mothers of little boys do you think it is possible to have a good relationship

[mum2samandalex]

with your son and possibly future dil/sil when they are older. I don't really get along with my mil and dh rarely speaks to her as she was very jealous and controlling. I always used to think the saying

'a son's a son until he finds a wife and a daugter's a daughter for the rest of your life'

Now after having two son's i fear its going to haunt me am i going to turn into the psycho controlling mil. I know its a long way into the future but i would love to have a good relationship with my boys and their future partner.......

Well, yeah - I agree with the control over children compensating to a degree for a lack of power in society.

Possibly a lack of control of their life - but then it's the mils generation who have more of this than the younger generations.

My mil is typical of a woman who has no life opportunities - no option for divorce (in her country in her younger years and more later a cultural issue with divorce) - so boy does she control her middle aged ds - huge difference with being in 'control' ie looking after and caring for your young defenceless dc and thinking about their needs and wellbeing and being properly controlling of adult children to satisfy your own needs. And I think that why some dils have issues with mil.

I think it is possible. I had a fantastic relationship with MIL until ds was born - I really adored her.

Unfortunately it then all fell apart as FIL is a nightmare and she wouldn't stand up to him, so no longer have a relationship with her at all, as she will not do anything away from him and I couldn't allow his madness to affect ds

Yes. I have a good relationship with MIL. But she is accepting and open and rarely critical.

I think I will be a reasonable MIL. I love my sons very very much and I do want to stay in their lives if possible. But DS~1 has already started the growing up/growing away process and so far it's relatively painless. I trust I will be able to let them 'go' without pain. Having said that if DILs are as critical and rejecting of me as some seem to be I will struggle

Yes I do think it is possible. I have lots of experience of the MIL/DIL relationship going sour, am hoping I will be able to learn from my mil's mistakes!

The biggest issue for me (amongst many!) is that until recently my mil refused to treat me as an adult although I am heading towards 40! Fair enough if she can't accept that her son has grown into a man but I was never her little girl and therefore I don't expect to be treated like one!

My MIL is totally batty. I am not. She thinks it's appropriate to talk in creepy, ickle-wickle-baby talk to her 40 yr old son. She thinks it's Ok to be outright rude and insulting about me and my family. She thinks she is the mother of my children.

There is a higher chance that I will turn into a pumpkin than my MIL, so no, I don't worry... I adore my son, but once he is an adult and has girlfriends / a wife, I will stay well and truly out of it and morph into the benign, smiley person who nods in agreement at everything they both say

Treat all your DSs girlfriends no matter how young with respect and openmindedness.

Never offer unrequested advice on anything.

Remember your son is likely to tell them everything you say to him (especially if negative about her) and he is likely to side with her.

I love my MIL. She never sticks her oar in, loves our DCs is open to our different lifestyle choices. Ignores my messy house.

She can be prickly, and has only ever babysat once in 10 years, but that's her perogative.

I also treat her with respect never diss her lifestyle / religion (v differnt from mine)
and we trot along quite nicely.

I even go to see country and western bands with her (not my taste at all) and we have a right laugh!

OrmIrian - I know what you mean. There are some posts, often about P & T parkingand such like (not necessarily the mil/dil threads), in AIBU that make me think "Eeeek!".

I think I will have to learn to bite my tongue v. v. hard.

DP has a nice relationship with his mum - they are close but she doesn't baby him. i think the reason they have such a healthy relationship was that he lived independently away from her on his own for a long time before he met me so i was never expected to 'look after' him, she accepted that he was a full grown and capable adult.

i think that MIL problems can arise when the mother of boys insists on mothering them well beyond the stage where daughters would be expected to look after their own laundry, appointments, diary etc. so if you want a good DIL relationship in future then make sure your boys grow into capable young men

Oh come on - it's not ALWAYS the mil-dh relationship that's at fault!

There are clearly some dil out there who have been brought up to think the sun rises and sets for them and them alone. They have been brought up by parents who are doormats and only utter sycophantic doormat behaviour will do.

Statistically it has to be true. There CANNOT only be mil-to-blame. For heaven's sake. That's us in a few years time. There's not some pool of crazy mothers-of-sons out there, lurking, just waiting to spring into action once their sons marry.

We can't have an entire thread about mil-dh-dil relationships without mentioning that as a possibility. So I will be the idiot who posts that.

I hope I will be a good MIl.

I think it basically boils down to respect.

Respect for your child's partner, their relationship, their privacy, their style of living etc.

Just because you live your life a certain way, it does not mean that that is the right/only way to live so you should not judge. Nor should you expect to behave in your child's house like it is your own home.

' There CANNOT only be mil-to-blame. For heaven's sake. That's us in a few years time. There's not some pool of crazy mothers-of-sons out there, lurking, just waiting to spring into action once their sons marry.'

Exactly. The weird message that comes across is that mothers of DDs are lovely, well balanced parents, but mothers of DSs are batty control freaks!
I am convinced that a lot of DILs are very insecure and want DH to themselves, or as part of their extended family-they have not (or don't want to)appreciated that he doesn't come alone but that they also get mum, dad, granny, sister, cousin, family friend from birth etc etc. I always see it as a danger signal if people want to cut off their partner from all that has gone before.
It seems most successful to me where people are secure and can take the attitude 'the more the merrier'.

"The weird message that comes across is that mothers of DDs are lovely, well balanced parents, but mothers of DSs are batty control freaks!"

Absolutely not saying this but there are SOME sections of society that have weird beliefs about the responsibilities of men and women. Those inlude daughters and DILs as well as MILs and sons.

For eg. when our house is a tip i consider it BOTH our problem and my MIL does not make any indication she thinks differently. But i know we're lucky/sensible and that in many other extended families the females would judge each other about the mess/dust and not condiser that it is equally DH/DSs responsibility.

Exactly fluffles. I have just had my uncle going on to me about his DIL and how she is lazy and the house is a tip. Nothing to do with his DS then?

I worry about the whole MIL thing because I only ever got on with one BFs parents and have never seen eye to eye with my MIL. I have 3 DSs. Only one of them has a gf and she is a very quiet mousy little thing. Can't imagine we'd have much of a relationship if it continues, and we have already had a falling-out with her parents.

Some mothers do seem to have problems 'letting go' of their sons. They seem to cling on to the idea that he is still their baby. This is very common.

MIL is a controlling, dominating women, consequently we do not see her and she hasn't seen dd since she was 4 months old. She was fine at letting her dd grow up, but awful at realising dh was a grown man.

I wonder why some women are like this with their sons?

I agree, Dutchgirly

"Some mothers do seem to have problems 'letting go' of their sons. They seem to cling on to the idea that he is still their baby. This is very common".

Very true. I give the following example as well as a warning.

My MIL has done this with both of her sons (the eldest one in particular). Infact her own toxic behaviour has in part made him narcissitic, well he certainly has "Little Emperor" syndrome. Their relationship is certainly one twisted and unhappy one.

elvislives - Why do you think that you will not have much of a relationship with your ds's girlfriend if it continues?

I really love my MIL, not in the same way I feel about my Mum but it is pretty close.

She loves her children fiercely and did a wonderful job with both of them, so I do ask her for advice quite often.

She loves me also and I have never felt anything other than welcome in her home. We do disagree on some parenting bits and pieces but she recognises that we are the parents. She also loves DS to distraction so how could I feel anything but grateful for that?

My Mum gets on quite well with my brother's wife.

I am raising DH to be a man. If he needs me I will be there but the whole idea is to raise him so that he doesn't need me anymore, but I hope that he will still want me around.

'Only one of them has a gf and she is a very quiet mousy little thing.'

I think this is part of the problem-she is already judged and pigeon-holed. If she is DS's choice it is up to you to look beneath the surface and work at a relationship.

DS to be a man, DH is already pre-raised.

I have tried and tried with her. It is very difficult to have a conversation with/ get to know someone who will not communicate. I have been out for the day with the 2 of them (DS and the GF) and not heard her say one word. In fact I don't know quite what they see in each other because he spent the whole day making seriously unfunny comments to her, some of which were quite nasty, and although I picked him up on it she didn't retort at all.

I have never not made her welcome but a relationship is 2 way.

Ds is my only surviving child, from 3 till he was 18, apart from two years, I was a single parent.

We were very close, during his growing up years, it was very much he and I against the world.

I married DH when he was 19, but it didnt make any differnce to our relationship, and DS and DH get on very well, and although he is only 10 years younger than DH, DS thinks of him as his parent.

Just over three years ago, he brought L home to meet us.

She was from South Africa, and was due to go back 4 months later.

Within 2 months they decided to marry, origionally here in Britain, but because of the time limit, this wasnt possible.

So they flew to SA, to marry, we couldnt afford at the time for us too go as well, so I didnt see my only child get married.

I gave DS two letter to take with him, one for him, telling him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him, and one for DDIL, asking her to take my most precious possesion into her safekeeping, and to love and care for him as much as I did.

DDIL, made sure he phone three times that day, sent video by internet the next morning and brought her flowers back for me.

They now live here, but are thinking of living in NZ, but I know where ever they are, they will still be firmly in our lives, not only because of DS, but because of DDIL.

To keep your son's, love your DDIL's.

I think that is lovely Shoshe -hopefully you will get the money to visit.

That's cos she is {grin] I have to say that cos she has just dragged herself off the floor where she was reading the paaper to make me a cuppa and cheese on toast, while I laze on the sofa