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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

few questions for those of you who have a healthy sex life with your oh.

52 replies

kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 13:12

1/ how many times a week do you do it.

2/ where do you usually do it.

3/ who makes the first move.

4/ if you cant be bothered/are to tired to go the whole way do you bother with quick hand jobs or just leave it till another night.

5/ how long have you been together.

i love my dh loads but am starting to get so fed up of the constant begging for sex every morning and night (and i do mean every) not a day goes past when i dont get hounded for it upon wakening then again at bedtime.

it is starting to become a issue now (he actually puts me of sex by the constant begging like a randy 15 year old) amd i want to try and get some idea of what is "normal" to other couples before i try and think of the best way to approach this.

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 13/07/2009 13:15

I think "normal" in a healthy relationship is going to vary so much that you're not going to get a very helpful answer.

IMO a healthy sex life is one that you are both happy with - whether that's 3 times a day or 3 times a month.

(we're on the approx 3 times a month end of the scale ).

But to answer your questions

  1. average of once
  2. bed (boring feckers we are - but we do have a "roving" nearly 9yr old who would be likely to find us anywhere else )
  3. Either of us
  4. No don't usually bother - if I'm too tired for sex I'm too tired for anything.
  5. 11yrs
hatwoman · 13/07/2009 13:17

agree with FAQ re "normal"

  1. 2
  2. bed
  3. both
  4. just leave it
  5. 17 years (I had to double check)
Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 13:19

thanks you both

i do realise that faq but things are getting to me so much at the moment that i ahve no idea about what is even remotly normal anymore so anything would help.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 13:21
  1. average out to about 1.5 times a week That .5 is a PITA.
  1. Bed, front room, bathroom, sometimes garden
  1. Mostly DH.
  1. No
  1. 21 yrs altogether.
OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 13:21
  1. average out to about 1.5 times a week That .5 is a PITA.
  1. Bed, front room, bathroom, sometimes garden
  1. Mostly DH.
  1. No
  1. 21 yrs altogether.
lighthouse · 13/07/2009 13:27

Once or twice
Bedroom (got 5 year old DD)
Either of us
11 years

If too knackered then no big deal, quite often go for week without. DH has lower drive than me.

LovingtheSilverFox · 13/07/2009 13:52

We are a couple of times a week, although DH has been off work on holiday so have been at it like rabbits making up for lost time.

Bedroom

Either, it depends who wants it the most.

If too tired for full thing, then too tired for anything else!

11 1/2 years (9th wedding anniversary end of this week...wtf do I buy him?!)

Agree with all the previous posts, "normal" is difficult to define.

Have you tried talking to him, saying something like "If we do it all the time, it loses the special frisson, please let's set specific days/times and then we can build up to it and enjoy it" That's what I did when DH became too persistent at one point. It gave us a feeling like it was a "date" and once he finished his randy phase we went back to spontinaety (sp??).

LoveMyGirls · 13/07/2009 14:01

1/ I'd guess about 3ish

2/ Bedroom or occasionally downstairs

3/ depends

4/ sometimes

5/ 7 and a half years.

mumblechum · 13/07/2009 14:03

1/ 2 to 3
2/bed/sofa
3/ eithr
4/ leave it
5/ 20 years

stripes200 · 13/07/2009 14:08
  1. 3 or 4 times
  1. Usually bed
  1. Can be either
  1. If I am too tired or not in the mood I will sometimes oblige him.
  1. 2.5 years.
thehairybabysmum · 13/07/2009 14:09

1/ 2-3

2/ bedroom

3/ either of us.

4/ No proper shag or nowt. Though often i might go to bed thinking im too knackered but then, once i get warmed up to the idea im quite enthusiastic!

5/ 12.5 years.

Agrree also normal hard to define...also constant pestering would be bloody annoying.

Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:10

i have tried talking about it loads silverfox. nothing every changes.

i wake up with "it" digging in my back everymorning and him graoning in my ear about wanting a quicky, i then spend all day with him making comments about what he is going to do to me that night then every night after brushing my teeth i walk into the bedroom to find him lying naked on the bed playing with himself and expecting sex.

it is actually driving me to the edge now, i tell him i dont find him attractuive at all when he is saying that he will "stick his willy up my bum later" (god i cringe even just writing that) or that he is going to "come all over my face"

i actually cant cope with this much longer and it has crossed my mind that it would actually be much better for me just to leave but we do have a great relationship in lots of other ways.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 14:12

He sounds unbeleivably childish. He needs to know how unpleasant you find it and that is beginning to affect how you feel about your relationship generally.

tennisaddict · 13/07/2009 14:19

if you have a great relationship in other ways then he should understand that this juvenile behaviour is a turn-off for you

then again, if he has no respect for you then he will carry on regardless, knowing that it bothers you

that is otherwise known as bullying and I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't shut the fuck up and stop pestering you, then you will be having a serious think about whether he is the man you thought he was

he is treating you like an object

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 13/07/2009 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:21

ormirian how would you go about this though.

i have tried talking, shouting, ignoring him, withholding sex but i know none of these are the answer and none of them worked anyway.

he never used to be like this, when we first met he was not very experienced but i now feel like i have created a monster.

he is 35 and we have been together 10 years and its only the last year that this has started.

i am near certain that he has never cheated but i do often feel like giving him £20 and sending him down the docks just to give me a night of.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 13/07/2009 14:22

  1. 2/3 times

  2. couch, ds2 is in our bedroom... thankfully the 2 and 4 year old just stand at the top of the stairs and shout if they wake so no fear of lo's wandering in.

  3. either, but more often him atm (5 month old bf baby... not really in the mood much!)

  4. messing about just makes him hornier and more annoying so aside from random groping it's all or nothing.

5)7 years

constant pestering puts me right off too, have had that arguement with dp

tennisaddict · 13/07/2009 14:23

has he discovered porn ?

and now wants to act it out all the time ??

OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 14:26

kerrrching - I don't know. Could you perhaps sit him and down and talk calmly about it. Make sure you make it very clear how bad it makes you feel and that there is a risk to your whole relationship (if you feel there is of course).

Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:26

no thats another weird thing, we have a couple of porn dvd's that we have "used" together in the past but they are still lying in the same place untouched.

i have said before i will buy him dirty mags if he wants so that he can see to himself a few times a week but seemingly he cant do it as well as me

i went through a stage of checking the computer history (he does not know that i can do this) thinking he was maybe watching it online then getting horny but there is nothing there either.

OP posts:
Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:28

i think i will have to try the calm approch again, just feel its all getting to me today. i did not sleep well last night and have already been told what treats are instore for me tonight when i get to bed. all i want to do is try and crash out once the dc are sleeping.

OP posts:
lighthouse · 13/07/2009 14:33

Not much help but count yourself lucky that he wants you that much, there have been times when I have worried that mine doesn't find me attractive anymore.

Buy him a couple of beers each night and hope that Brewers Droop kickes in
red wine, whisky anything alcaholic.

Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:41

he drinks most nights so that wont work.

i had a d&v bug a few weeks ago and i was still getting it stick in my back when i was trying not to throw up.

OP posts:
LovingtheSilverFox · 13/07/2009 14:42

tennisaddict got it about right. This is a form of bullying if it is making you feel this uncomfortable.

You really need to explain calmly that you just don't have the drive he seems to have, and pestering you doesn't turn you on. (He has possibly heard from someone that some women like to hear dirty talk - if he's like my DH if he gets an idea in his head it takes a lobotomy to shift it!)

lighthouse · 13/07/2009 14:48

Just say no...further persistence then counts as bullying but be assertive. If you really don't want to then just don't