Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

few questions for those of you who have a healthy sex life with your oh.

52 replies

kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 13:12

1/ how many times a week do you do it.

2/ where do you usually do it.

3/ who makes the first move.

4/ if you cant be bothered/are to tired to go the whole way do you bother with quick hand jobs or just leave it till another night.

5/ how long have you been together.

i love my dh loads but am starting to get so fed up of the constant begging for sex every morning and night (and i do mean every) not a day goes past when i dont get hounded for it upon wakening then again at bedtime.

it is starting to become a issue now (he actually puts me of sex by the constant begging like a randy 15 year old) amd i want to try and get some idea of what is "normal" to other couples before i try and think of the best way to approach this.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 13/07/2009 14:51

kerrching I'm sorry, but alarm bells are ringing.

You have told him the dirty talk isn't welcome, and clearly isn't working, yet he persists. Being that dis-respectful is not likely to turn you on.

Do you end up having sex when you don't want to just to "get him off your back" (pardon the pun) ? If so, then this is likely to build resentment in you.

screamingabdab · 13/07/2009 14:53

Oh, and trying to persuade you to have sex when you are ill. That's terrible.

Original poster
kerrrrching · 13/07/2009 14:59

well out of the 14 times a week that i am hounded for it i give in about maybe 5-6 times.

OP posts:
cupofteaplease · 13/07/2009 15:14

I can see that it must be a pain to be hounded by your dh, OP. My BF is married to a man who she affectionately calls Sex Pest as he is always initiating the deed.

I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind a bit of pestering. I'm the only one to initiate in my marriage, and often my dh turns his back on me anyway! He's not bothered about sex, which is upsetting at times.

missingtheaction · 13/07/2009 15:18

Have teenagers at home so

  1. 0-4 (actually, who am I kidding. 0-2)
  2. bedroom, occasionally sitting room
  3. Either of us
  4. Varies, but if one is not up for sex then have agreed the other will not nag
  5. 2 years

Either he is unbelievebly stupid and really doesn't understand you hate this and it doesn't 'work', or he is knows very well that you hate what he is doing but doesn't care how you feel about it.

I think this is a long way past a nice sit down chat. I think you need a showdown - either a huge row when you tell him that what he is doing is making you hate him, and/or a trip to counselling.

You need to do this BEFORE your self esteem is eroded any more. He is acting in a bullying, unreasonable way and you deserve to be treated with respect as a human being, not as a sex slave.

lighthouse · 13/07/2009 15:19

Tell him you are on a permenent period, is he buying viagra on the sly??

missingtheaction · 13/07/2009 15:20

PS his pestering is probably not about sex - more about esteem/attention/power/control/how he wants to see himself

screamingabdab · 13/07/2009 15:39

missingtheaction speaks the truth

rookiemater · 13/07/2009 15:49

Started answering the questions, but actually don't want to as I'd rather keep that information between DH and myself.

Dh has a higher sex drive than myself, but its nowhere near as intense as your situation. My ideal would be to make love 2-3 times a week and DHs would be once a day, we compromise on about 4 times a week and that seems to be ok for both of us.

I have no advice on how to resolve it. Is he young, i.e. under 30 ? Is there a chance his sex drive may go down over time ? Is he respectful towards you in other ways ?

tennisaddict · 13/07/2009 16:04

do you know what, this bloke sounds like an insecure control freak

has something happened, did he have a period of not being able to get it up, close family member die, all his mates going out on the pull while he plays family man, what ?

what I don't understand why is what has triggered it in the past year or so, if he wasn't always like this

ask him what has changed for him

on the other hand, if he won't listen to you, seriously OP, tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, you are not a blow-up doll with a permanenently ready hole for him to fill

StarlightMcKenzie · 13/07/2009 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lockets · 13/07/2009 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FairLadyRantALot · 13/07/2009 16:21

lol @ Orms post, saying 1.5, and the .5 being a PITA (is that Bumsex than )

for OP...
my dh used to have a nuts sexdrive, and now it seems that the tables are turned....lol...I now could be at it all the time, and he seems to be able to take it or leave it...

1)currently we have sex about once or twice a week

2)Living room or Bedroom.

  1. used to be dh. now it is more often me, lol

  2. we don't bother than

  3. we will be married 14 years in September and are together for 15....yikes...

sayithowitis · 13/07/2009 23:36
  1. sexual activity - 5 or six times a week
  1. Bedroom - don't relish the thought of our teenagers catching us 'at it' anywhere else.

3.Sometimes him, sometimes me.

  1. Well, sometimes we choose to have oral, or hand 'fun' rather than penetration, but just because we like that other stuff, not because of tiredness or 'can't be botheredness'.
  1. Together over 31 years. Married over 26 of them!
LoveBeingAMummy · 14/07/2009 09:06

Just a thought but have you given in when he's been nagging? Cause sounds to me like a toddler thats found a way to get what he wants.......

mrsmerryweather · 14/07/2009 09:12

It doesn't matter how many times anyone else does it- it's what you want that matters.

How often would you want to have sex? Why does he have to beg? Why do you say "no"?

Why are you rejecting him? Do you not want to have sex, or is it the pressure that is getting you down?

Just tell him to back off- and that by pestering you so much it is counter productive.

sleeplessinstretford · 14/07/2009 09:17

tell him to fuck off!
Jesus, us anything from 1-3 times a week (we have gone WEEKS without though and currently dh has unfortunate knob injury so that's put the kibosh on it for a bit)
I normally initiate it in bed (however i occasionally start fiddling on the couch-if you know what i mean?)
we don't do sex as a release i don't think, it's a mutual thing so if i was too tired to have sex then he wouldn't 'expect' anything (to be fair he wouldn't get anything either!)

whatever you do you need to have this question out of the bedroom and not as a response to having a knob shoved up against you.Tell him calmly that he's becoming embarassing-is bullying you into sex and is making your life a misery-and unless it stops you'll take sanctions, maybe see a professional-how many times did you 'used' to do it?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/07/2009 09:53

1/ 4-5

2/ bed

3/ him, always. I don't need to because I can pick and choose when I do it - he's always up for it

4/ sometimes - unless I'm really sleepy I try to make the effort as I usually enjoy it, and I think making the effort is what keeps things going. It's far easier to just go to sleep and for my libido I could probably live with 1-2 times a week - but I do enjoy the times we do it above that.

5/ together - 4 years, living together - 2.

My DH does push it sometimes, and sometimes I have to be firm if I'm not up for it, because he knows that persistance usually pays off (I should add he's very lovely about it, persistant back massaging rather than anything annoying )

rolledhedgehog · 14/07/2009 12:08

He hasn't some sort of head injury has he? Sometimes head injuries can cause over sexualised behaviour.

ginnny · 14/07/2009 12:36

I think you should say to him that if he treats you like a piece of meat you will feel like one and not respond. If he wants an equal loving relationship where both of you enjoy sex he should BACK OFF till you are ready.
How about asking not to initiate sex for a while and let you come to him when you want to.
Anyway - your answers:

  1. 3(ish)
  2. bed
  3. both
  4. No
  5. 4 years.
screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 12:55

rolledhedgehog - that's a good point. A head injury could cause disinhibited behaviour

conniedescending · 14/07/2009 13:00
  1. Every day
  2. Our bed
  3. Either/ both
  4. would never do a handjob if too tired for sex? Don't understand that concept at all!
  5. 10 years
wessexwomen · 14/07/2009 14:27

It sounds like he thinks you are responsible for every erection or randy thought he gets!! You are not - its his erection, it's upto him how he deals with it, not you!

Have you considered psycho sexual therapy? If you get on really well then this could be a really worthwhile route. I think Relate do it.

paddington21 · 14/07/2009 17:24
  1. twice a week if im lucky
  1. lounge or bedroom.
  1. 99% of the time always me
  1. if he is too tired
  1. 2 years

it just very unfortunate that he doesnt want it half as much as me. this has made me resent him and we have had big rows about it.

what your man is doing is unfair and is bullying. i hope it gets sorted out

akash · 14/07/2009 17:51

1.im lucky if its 5 times a year
2.always bedroom always same position
3.usually me .
4.what`s foreplay or hand jobs (forgotten)

  1. nearly 6 years

no wonder i`m frustrated. i have a high sex drive given the right man

Swipe left for the next trending thread