Its all my fault, how am I supposed to live with this?

[SemperEadem]

My husband left me at 8.30 last night and I think I am falling apart.

I have been clingy, wanting constant reassurance and always telling him what he needs to do and he has said that he has had enough.

We were having problems and trying to work through them and had another row yesterday and he just said enough is enough, we can't go on like this.

I am devastated, I love him with all my heart. I hate myself for pushing him away and now he has left me & ds.

I don't know what to do. How do I start? I feel sick. I feel so stupid - there have been so many threads about peoples husbands leaving them recently but it seems to me that the women have done nothing wrong to deserve it.

How do you move on when you know you are at fault or is this going to haunt me forever?

could you write him a letter?
some time apart can help bring you back together.
just let him cool off a little

look after yourself and your ds
have you got family who can help you?

Oh you poor thing, not surprised you feel sick.

Have you spoken to him this morning? Do you think he has definitely left or just needed to cool off?

Why would you think you had pushed him away? Was there a reason you've been clingy and have needed extra reassurance?

Sorry about all the questions, but just trying to understand why you feel this is your fault.

Agree with thehumantorch some time apart might bring you together,
maybe you could both go to relate and work it out that way
for you

I think he needs to know that you can change. Make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist - let your dh know what you are doing. Once he sees that you are trying to change, he may change his mind.

You obviously have issues somewhere in your past. Your dh needs a little space and perhaps this break will be good for you too. You need to take a good, long, hard look at yourself and the way you treat him. What if the shoes were on the other feet? How would you feel if he were this way with you? Suffocated? Stifled?

So no matter how hard it is, let him have this break with little contact from you. Everytime you want to phone him or make contact, pinch yourself. Because if you hassle him, beg him, plead etc, you'll just lose respect for yourself and he'll lose respect for you too. He needs to see that you are trying to pull away. Ask him to maintain contact with your ds - perhaps he could have him for a day? Meanwhile, do you have friends who could come round and have a chat? There's nothing like friends who can tell you if you've been going wrong and how you can improve. I'm sure he could deal with this better too and again, your friends will let you know what they think of him. So call them round and get your dh to babysit whilst you have a heart to heart with your pals.

It'll be hard, but you need to work through what's gone wrong. Best of luck x

No, I haven't spoken to him. I have sent a text telling him that I love him and that I don't want this.

There have been lots of trust issues recently as I found out he was lying to me about being in contact with a girl he used to know. All innocent but upsetting all the same. I found out innocently enough but have snopped in the past and now he says he just can't trust me anymore and thinks that I am constantly snooping on him and quesioning him.

I would love to go to Relate but I just don't think he would go. I really do think he has gone - he said he has simply had enough.

Am trying to do normal stuff but ds is just sat watching Peppa Pig as I just cannot summon up the energy to play. My tesco shop came this morning and I just sat on the kitchen floor for nearly an hour surrounded by it all - even putting shopping away felt like too much.

My family & friends are all at the other end of the country as I moved for DH's job (forces).

What am I going to do, I love him and despite everything I was trying to make it work and he has left us

Why did you start snooping? What was it that made you distrust him?

And where has he gone to?

Don't blame yourself. A marriage having problems is TWO people having problems.

Concentrate on you and ds for the moment and be gentle with yourself.

It's very rare for it to be all one person's fault unless one partner is abusive/mentally ill/an addict or some description.
Irrational jealousy is very maddening to live with, so I can see your H's point of view on some levels: however it's a behaviour pattern you can do something about (and should - jealous insecure people make their own lives miserable and those of everyone arround them until they get sorted out).
Really the best and only thing you can do now is work on overcoming your jealousy and insecurity. Have no contact with your H except for necessary stuff about childcare/finance - crying and pleading and bombarding him with communications will simply drive him further away. The only chance of reparing the relationship is for him to see you coping alone and getting some self-confidence and self-respect.
THis is hard, but it can be done. GOod luck.

I always felt like he was keeping something from me. Just an instinct. He has been unfaithful in the past (years ago) he told me about it and we worked it out. Then I had a feeling that he was still doing something so I checked his emails (years ago) and found out he was in contact with a woman in the US and there were pictures of her in a bikini in his emails.

I confronted him and he said it was just flirting. We rowed for ages, split up and moved on. We got back together months later and got married, had ds, I gave up my job to be with him.

No snooping as fresh start. Then just started to get an instinct again that something wasn't right. Started to check his phone if it was around - never really found anything but called him on a few things that were easily explained. I always told him when I had snooped and was apologetic.

He was away recently and hadn't taxed the car before he went but knew he had sent something off somewhere and that he used to get email reminders, went onto his emails (he knows I know the password) and saw lots of messages saying so and so has sent you a message on face book. Didn't recognise the name so shut it down. Old memories started playing up so logged back on and had a look. Turns out it is just a friend that he used to go out drinking with when we had split up. Pissed off that he had never mentioned her and turns out he was ringing her when at work and stuff. Just gutted that he didn't tell me - he says I would have been unhappy about it as I'm insecure - maybe so but I would have rather that than be lied to for five years.

There was also a photo of them on fb that looked recent so I asked when it was taken and he said years ago - it looked recent so I called him on it. He kept lying and then finally admitted it was taken last year in our hometown when she was nearby visiting family. He never told me this.

I haven't snooped since then (this was all at beginning of March) and he droped me off shopping but my phone had ran out of charge so I asked if he would give me his so I could ring for him to pick me up. He wouldn't. I said thats not fair, I'm believing you so you must believe me when I say I won't snoop anymore. He said he just doesn't trust me so we rowed some more and he left.

Sorry for typo's

Why would you trust someone who behaves in an untrustworthy manner? That would be foolish.

Please don't think you are foolish. It's hard enough to trust someone who has lied to you in the past when they are being totally open, but when they are hiding things from you it is impossible.

I hope you can find a way to sort things out, but he needs to take some responsibility for this too.

Right. He's abused your trust and is still abusing your trust. I'm really really sorry, I really am, but he's left you for someone else.

Trust your instincts. He's made out that you are mad. He's created the perfect excuse for leaving you. The only issues you have are with his past indiscretions - I wouldn't trust a man who'd cheated on me once, that would be it for me. But you stood by him, you took him back. Then you find out that he's flirting with someone, again you forgive him. What if you hadn't found out these things? Do you think he would have volunteered the information? He only stopped because he got caught. What has he done to make you trust him again? Because after his affair, the onus was on him to prove to you that he could be trustworthy. He hasn't done that. The lies don't have to be big lies, but the very fact that he still keeps things from you, still lies to you, means that you cannot trust this man.

This is not your fault. You have acted the way any woman would act. More so. You took him back, you forgave him, you trusted him, you gave him chance after chance. He has abused that trust and now he has the cheek to tell you that it's your fault.

Where is he staying? More to the point, who is he staying with?

I am with Rhubs on this.

You shouldn't be blaming yourself after his behaviour, and to blame you for having trust issues after all of those lies is, frankly, ridiculous.

Where is he staying?

Thats what I was trying to explain tohim. That if I can believe him then he has to believe me.

The unfaithful thing was a kiss in a nightclub years ago (2002) then followed by the email thing (2003) so years ago and I had moved on from them.

He told me about the kiss thing - I didn't find out so I know he can be honest.

I have snooped in the past because I just had a feeling. Yes, it was innocent and him and this girl are just friends but he should have told me and not lied to me - especially because of our past. He said what I found wasn't worth the snooping because it was innocent and I said that he still shouldn't have lied - he said he thought (because of the past) that I would 'go off it' if he told me he was still in contact with a female friend. I said I wouldn't , I may not have liked it but I can't stop him from being friends with people.

He is staying in the army barracks.

"There was also a photo of them on fb that looked recent so I asked when it was taken and he said years ago - it looked recent so I called him on it. He kept lying and then finally admitted it was taken last year in our hometown when she was nearby visiting family. He never told me this." So where did you think he was when he was meeting his woman? Was the meeting a chance one or was it arranged? If you have been unfaithful before, I'm sorry but you don't put yourself in situations that may be tempting. How can you trust him if he keeps lying to you?

Why wouldn't he give you his phone? So what if you go through the texts? Surely that's to be expected when you've cheated once before? If there is nothing on his phone, what is he worried about?

How has he shown you that he can be trusted again? What has he actively done to prove to you that he can be trusted?

Do you not know where he's staying?

are you 100% sure they are just friends? or am I just extrremely cynical

This woman is someone he went out for drinks with after you had split up? Just drinks was it? I doubt it. Why is he calling her again?

Honestly, look at what is staring you in the face. He admitted to cheating on you years ago, then he was just 'flirting' with a friend on facebook - you found that out, he didn't admit it.

Now he's back in contact with an old 'friend', he met her in secret and calls her from work. Oh and he refuses to hand over his phone because apparently you can't trust him?

Read your posts as you would do a friend. What would you think if a friend relayed this story to you, what would your advice be?

I agree with what you are all saying as I said all that myself when I first found out.

He insists that there is nothing in it and that he thought I just wouldn't believe him and think there was more to it.

She lives at the other end of the country so I know he isn't with her. What has he done to make it better? Well he says he leaves his phone lying around (he doesn't), he has spent a long time reassuring me and stuff.

I suppose I'm feeling crap because the incidents he had were years ago and we had truly moved on ( or so I thought) but when I found out about this friendship - I was absolutely devastated because I thought he should know better and that honesty is what I need and demand from him no matter how he thought I would react.

He met her when she came down to visit family on his lunchbreak from work. There is a pub nearby the barracks. I thought he was at work and I always ask him what he has done that day and he must have lied .

He is staying at the army barracks now.

I have been a harridan about stuff recently - always giving him a hard time but I thought well if I am showing that I am going to believe you then you need to trust me not to snoop.

They all went out as a big group - all clubbing together and stuff - its a sister of his friend.

Thats when he met her and he decided to stay in touch with her I suppose.

But he shold have told me.

I sound so stupid don't I? I'm not a doormat honest tho reading it back I can see how it reads.

Don't you see how he can work this to his advantage? He says that you need to get over his past indiscretions, that you are being paranoid and snoopy and clingy. So even if there were reasons for you to be suspicious, he could just play that card and you'd be subdued into apologies.

Why did she want to meet him?
Who arranged it?
Why did she put the photo on facebook?
Why did he want to meet her after what has happened in the past?

So he doesn't leave his phone lying around at all and he 'reassures' you - or is that another way of saying, he 'lies' to you?

I don't think your suspicions are wrong at all. I started off thinking that perhaps you did have issues, but once I'd read a bit more I now think that he's leading you a merry dance whilst managing to convince you that it's you with the problem.

What do your friends think about all of this?

One of my frinds is absolutely incredulous about it when I told her though understood why I believed him as I don't think they are up to anything- honestly, I don't. Its the lying thing tha gets to me.

I don't know why she wanted to meet him really. Just that she was in the area and thought they would have a pint.

They both arranged it on the phone etc, odd texts and quick conversations he says. God knows, why he wanted to meet her - he says they are friends and they all used to have a laugh going clubbing etc and that its his mates sister I suppose.

I am known to go off about stuff amongst my mates but only when I am lied to - I hate it, hate it, hate it ans he must have known that when he arranged to meet up with her.

I was furious when he wouldn't give me his phone cos I just thought - hang on - I have to believe you - show some bloody trust in me not to snoop.

No. There is more to it than this. He went out with her whilst you had both split up, right? None of this 'friends' shit, I have male friends and I know the bloody difference. First chance he gets at being single and he's met up with his mate's sister - perhaps she was there waiting in the wings all along? Was she the one in the bikini on facebook?

She also knows he is married - so why does she want to meet up with a married bloke? Why not the two of you? Even if there is nothing to it, it's rather rude to just think you can go out with a married bloke and say nothing to his wife.

But you seem to want to believe his stories. So there's nothing else to say really. Relate will see you by yourself you know, you don't have to go with him. Although if he didn't put the effort into his marriage I would wonder just what his commitment was.

Hear, hear Rhubarb.

She isn't the one in the bikini.

Honestly, I appreciate your replies and that was the attitude I took when I first found out. He says there has never been anything between them - that they were all just mates.

I think she wanted to go for a drink with him because her and her sister see him as a sort of big brother type - he is very gregarious and fun to be around. They have maintained contact through fb (I have read the messages - they weren't flirty).

Thanks for your take on it - makes me realise that I am not all to blame for this.

I am the one who thought I was clingy & controlling by the way - he has never said that to me.

Crikey, I sound so fucking pathetic. I have believed him and then he tells me that he can't trust me not to snoop. If it was me, I would have just given him my bloody phone.

Still hurts like mad tho.

It's high time he took responsibility for his part in all of this. You seem to have taken the burden of responsibility, which isn't fair.

I would make an appt with Relate. Tell him you are going. Tell him he's welcome to come, but if not then you'll have to make a decision without him.

He needs to put effort into his relationship. Marriage is all about teamwork and respect. Going out for drinkies with a woman behind your wife's back is disrespectful - how can you trust him whilst he does that? If he knows that you'll go off on one if you knew, then he doesn't do it! Simple as.

Concentrate on yourself and trying to make yourself happy. Don't call him or text him or write to him. Take this time now to think about yourself and what you want from this relationship.