Its all my fault, how am I supposed to live with this?

[SemperEadem]

My husband left me at 8.30 last night and I think I am falling apart.

I have been clingy, wanting constant reassurance and always telling him what he needs to do and he has said that he has had enough.

We were having problems and trying to work through them and had another row yesterday and he just said enough is enough, we can't go on like this.

I am devastated, I love him with all my heart. I hate myself for pushing him away and now he has left me & ds.

I don't know what to do. How do I start? I feel sick. I feel so stupid - there have been so many threads about peoples husbands leaving them recently but it seems to me that the women have done nothing wrong to deserve it.

How do you move on when you know you are at fault or is this going to haunt me forever?

Thanks, I will. Are they expensive do you know? We are skint as I put my career on hold when ds was born.

Will find the money somehow.

He sounds like a total arse I know it. He does behave like one at times. He said it was the principle behind the thing. That he shouldn't not have female friends and he is right in that but he shouldn't keep it from me no matter how bad he thinks my reaction will be. It just causes damage where there needn't be any.

When he did all the crap stuff in the past he had just left the army to move to the othr end of the country to be with me. He had a sort of meltdown as he hated civvy street. We split up, he rejoined the army and we got married. Thats why I was able to move on because it just wasn't him.

But I thought he had learnt that honesty is the way to make things work . I have been a pita at times (mild pnd & isolation from family & friends will do that to you), he has gone out and I have done the whole twenty questions thing but I was getting much better.

But he shouldn't have done this I know.

He should not have female friends given his track record. I'm sorry but what does he think marriage is? I have male friends but they are also dh's friends. I have gone for drinks with them on my own, but only after asking dh first. Because I have respect for dh. If he didn't like it, then I wouldn't do it.

I would not want my dh going out for drinks with women I'd never met, on his own. That's pushing the trust thing a bit too far. He's taking the piss there. How many of his friend's wives/partners would be happy with their men going off and doing this? How many of your friends would be happy with this?

I don't know how much Relate is, I think they charge per session? Here is their website, have a chat and see what they can do for you. But don't take the blame in all of this. He's pushing his luck and he knows it, he's just hoping he can keep playing the old 'trust issues' card.

He has replied to my text saying that I shouldn't be texting him telling him that I love him - that love has nothing to do with this, that its just not working and not to put him in that position.

He said it is hurting too but he thinks it is best for the longer term.

Oh God, I just want to die. I love him so much.

DS is asleep and I just don't know how to move on.

Semper,
I used to live with a bloke exactly like this. Nothing changes. He left me for someone else, we got back together, it settled down for a couple of years and then he would go off again chatting up anything that moved.(on the pretext they didn't mean anything to him). He would of course deny everything. Everything was always my fault in his eyes. When we split up for the final time, his excuse to his uncle was that I never made his tea!

My solicitor always maintained that no matter how much someone pleads that there is no-one else, 99% of the time there is. He said he often had people sitting in front of him swearing blind to that fact, but further down the line the truth always came out.

At the moment it will feel like your life has ended, but please think of your ds. It will get better although it doesn't feel like it.

I know I sound soft but I really do feel physical pain. Everywhere aches.

Think of your own self-respect, please! He is using you. Read this thread and the replies over and over, you've said yourself that you sound like such a doormat - are you? You sacrified your career for this man, you've borne his son, stood by him when he cheated, pledged your life to him by way of marriage - what more does he want? And how much more are you willing to give up?

He's been away before hasn't he? You coped then and you can cope now. Just block your mind and see this as just another of those away periods. Phone Relate and talk to them, find out how much a session costs. Arrange for a babysitter for your ds so you can go out with friends. If you can't do that, call them up and invite them over for a girlie chat with some wine one evening. This is a time for friends and this is when you find out who your true friends are. Make the most of them, they are there to help.

Fill your days up so you aren't brooding over where he is and what he's doing. Switch your phone off. Devote this time to you and your ds. Re-build some of that self-esteem that you've lost. Once he sees that you are coping just fine without him, he may, just may, want to come back and that's a decision you'll have to deal with then. But in the meantime, please be prepared for him to tell you that he's met someone. Because I've a feeling that this woman has been in the background for a bit and now he's left you, she'll be all over him like a rash.

Don't let him take you for a fool. You deserve so much more. Yes these times will be hard, but you'll get through them and you may even come out better as a result. Think of a future without the need for snooping, think of a future with someone who respects you and considers your feelings. That may be a future with him, or it may not be. But it's a future where you are happy. Hang onto that, because it will happen.

Have you been crying lots (stupid question I know!) it makes you ache.

I had to get sleeping tablets from my doctor. He likened it to a death.

Look, sorry, but draw a line under this man right now. He doesn;t want to be your partner. He no longer considers himself your partner. TBH he isn;t very monogamous so is not a suitable partner for someone with insecurity issues anyway. You can't make someone be a loving partner when s/he isn;t that bothered about you. Nothing will owrk on a partner who no longer wants to be your partner.
You need to work on building a life for yourself that is not dependent on him or any man. See a solicitor re finance/child access/housing and start to move on now. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
He isn't worth any more effort from you.

Thanks all, I'm trying - I really am.

I know I'm not a doormat but I really did believe that when we married- that was it. I didn't expect to become a single mum at 29 - although I suppose nobody ever does.

I had a great career, good money, degree, friends and I gave it all up for him and for us to be a family.

This is just an incredibly hard pill to swallow but swallow it I must.

Had a real self pitying moment and lay on the rug in the hall crying while ds was napping. Then got up, made dinner, ate a pot noodle wrong but so right! Had a bath, washed up, bathed little man and brushed his teeth. Now sat in the house and the devastation starting to creep in again

you will most definately get through this pain I did and i really thought i never would

be kind to yourself and take time to heal

I found counselling on my own priceless