Its all my fault, how am I supposed to live with this?

[SemperEadem]

My husband left me at 8.30 last night and I think I am falling apart.

I have been clingy, wanting constant reassurance and always telling him what he needs to do and he has said that he has had enough.

We were having problems and trying to work through them and had another row yesterday and he just said enough is enough, we can't go on like this.

I am devastated, I love him with all my heart. I hate myself for pushing him away and now he has left me & ds.

I don't know what to do. How do I start? I feel sick. I feel so stupid - there have been so many threads about peoples husbands leaving them recently but it seems to me that the women have done nothing wrong to deserve it.

How do you move on when you know you are at fault or is this going to haunt me forever?

[cheekysealion]

you will most definately get through this pain I did and i really thought i never would

be kind to yourself and take time to heal

I found counselling on my own priceless

[SemperEadem]

Thanks all, I'm trying - I really am.

I know I'm not a doormat but I really did believe that when we married- that was it. I didn't expect to become a single mum at 29 - although I suppose nobody ever does.

I had a great career, good money, degree, friends and I gave it all up for him and for us to be a family.

This is just an incredibly hard pill to swallow but swallow it I must.

Had a real self pitying moment and lay on the rug in the hall crying while ds was napping. Then got up, made dinner, ate a pot noodle wrong but so right! Had a bath, washed up, bathed little man and brushed his teeth. Now sat in the house and the devastation starting to creep in again

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Look, sorry, but draw a line under this man right now. He doesn;t want to be your partner. He no longer considers himself your partner. TBH he isn;t very monogamous so is not a suitable partner for someone with insecurity issues anyway. You can't make someone be a loving partner when s/he isn;t that bothered about you. Nothing will owrk on a partner who no longer wants to be your partner.
You need to work on building a life for yourself that is not dependent on him or any man. See a solicitor re finance/child access/housing and start to move on now. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
He isn't worth any more effort from you.

[Fimbo]

Have you been crying lots (stupid question I know!) it makes you ache.

I had to get sleeping tablets from my doctor. He likened it to a death.

[Rhubarb]

Think of your own self-respect, please! He is using you. Read this thread and the replies over and over, you've said yourself that you sound like such a doormat - are you? You sacrified your career for this man, you've borne his son, stood by him when he cheated, pledged your life to him by way of marriage - what more does he want? And how much more are you willing to give up?

He's been away before hasn't he? You coped then and you can cope now. Just block your mind and see this as just another of those away periods. Phone Relate and talk to them, find out how much a session costs. Arrange for a babysitter for your ds so you can go out with friends. If you can't do that, call them up and invite them over for a girlie chat with some wine one evening. This is a time for friends and this is when you find out who your true friends are. Make the most of them, they are there to help.

Fill your days up so you aren't brooding over where he is and what he's doing. Switch your phone off. Devote this time to you and your ds. Re-build some of that self-esteem that you've lost. Once he sees that you are coping just fine without him, he may, just may, want to come back and that's a decision you'll have to deal with then. But in the meantime, please be prepared for him to tell you that he's met someone. Because I've a feeling that this woman has been in the background for a bit and now he's left you, she'll be all over him like a rash.

Don't let him take you for a fool. You deserve so much more. Yes these times will be hard, but you'll get through them and you may even come out better as a result. Think of a future without the need for snooping, think of a future with someone who respects you and considers your feelings. That may be a future with him, or it may not be. But it's a future where you are happy. Hang onto that, because it will happen.

[SemperEadem]

I know I sound soft but I really do feel physical pain. Everywhere aches.

[Fimbo]

Semper,
I used to live with a bloke exactly like this. Nothing changes. He left me for someone else, we got back together, it settled down for a couple of years and then he would go off again chatting up anything that moved.(on the pretext they didn't mean anything to him). He would of course deny everything. Everything was always my fault in his eyes. When we split up for the final time, his excuse to his uncle was that I never made his tea!

My solicitor always maintained that no matter how much someone pleads that there is no-one else, 99% of the time there is. He said he often had people sitting in front of him swearing blind to that fact, but further down the line the truth always came out.

At the moment it will feel like your life has ended, but please think of your ds. It will get better although it doesn't feel like it.

[SemperEadem]

He has replied to my text saying that I shouldn't be texting him telling him that I love him - that love has nothing to do with this, that its just not working and not to put him in that position.

He said it is hurting too but he thinks it is best for the longer term.

Oh God, I just want to die. I love him so much.

DS is asleep and I just don't know how to move on.

[Rhubarb]

He should not have female friends given his track record. I'm sorry but what does he think marriage is? I have male friends but they are also dh's friends. I have gone for drinks with them on my own, but only after asking dh first. Because I have respect for dh. If he didn't like it, then I wouldn't do it.

I would not want my dh going out for drinks with women I'd never met, on his own. That's pushing the trust thing a bit too far. He's taking the piss there. How many of his friend's wives/partners would be happy with their men going off and doing this? How many of your friends would be happy with this?

I don't know how much Relate is, I think they charge per session? Here is their website, have a chat and see what they can do for you. But don't take the blame in all of this. He's pushing his luck and he knows it, he's just hoping he can keep playing the old 'trust issues' card.

[SemperEadem]

Thanks, I will. Are they expensive do you know? We are skint as I put my career on hold when ds was born.

Will find the money somehow.

He sounds like a total arse I know it. He does behave like one at times. He said it was the principle behind the thing. That he shouldn't not have female friends and he is right in that but he shouldn't keep it from me no matter how bad he thinks my reaction will be. It just causes damage where there needn't be any.

When he did all the crap stuff in the past he had just left the army to move to the othr end of the country to be with me. He had a sort of meltdown as he hated civvy street. We split up, he rejoined the army and we got married. Thats why I was able to move on because it just wasn't him.

But I thought he had learnt that honesty is the way to make things work . I have been a pita at times (mild pnd & isolation from family & friends will do that to you), he has gone out and I have done the whole twenty questions thing but I was getting much better.

But he shouldn't have done this I know.

[Rhubarb]

It's high time he took responsibility for his part in all of this. You seem to have taken the burden of responsibility, which isn't fair.

I would make an appt with Relate. Tell him you are going. Tell him he's welcome to come, but if not then you'll have to make a decision without him.

He needs to put effort into his relationship. Marriage is all about teamwork and respect. Going out for drinkies with a woman behind your wife's back is disrespectful - how can you trust him whilst he does that? If he knows that you'll go off on one if you knew, then he doesn't do it! Simple as.

Concentrate on yourself and trying to make yourself happy. Don't call him or text him or write to him. Take this time now to think about yourself and what you want from this relationship.

[SemperEadem]

She isn't the one in the bikini.

Honestly, I appreciate your replies and that was the attitude I took when I first found out. He says there has never been anything between them - that they were all just mates.

I think she wanted to go for a drink with him because her and her sister see him as a sort of big brother type - he is very gregarious and fun to be around. They have maintained contact through fb (I have read the messages - they weren't flirty).

Thanks for your take on it - makes me realise that I am not all to blame for this.

I am the one who thought I was clingy & controlling by the way - he has never said that to me.

Crikey, I sound so fucking pathetic. I have believed him and then he tells me that he can't trust me not to snoop. If it was me, I would have just given him my bloody phone.

Still hurts like mad tho.

[HolyGuacamole]

Hear, hear Rhubarb.

[Rhubarb]

No. There is more to it than this. He went out with her whilst you had both split up, right? None of this 'friends' shit, I have male friends and I know the bloody difference. First chance he gets at being single and he's met up with his mate's sister - perhaps she was there waiting in the wings all along? Was she the one in the bikini on facebook?

She also knows he is married - so why does she want to meet up with a married bloke? Why not the two of you? Even if there is nothing to it, it's rather rude to just think you can go out with a married bloke and say nothing to his wife.

But you seem to want to believe his stories. So there's nothing else to say really. Relate will see you by yourself you know, you don't have to go with him. Although if he didn't put the effort into his marriage I would wonder just what his commitment was.

[SemperEadem]

One of my frinds is absolutely incredulous about it when I told her though understood why I believed him as I don't think they are up to anything- honestly, I don't. Its the lying thing tha gets to me.

I don't know why she wanted to meet him really. Just that she was in the area and thought they would have a pint.

They both arranged it on the phone etc, odd texts and quick conversations he says. God knows, why he wanted to meet her - he says they are friends and they all used to have a laugh going clubbing etc and that its his mates sister I suppose.

I am known to go off about stuff amongst my mates but only when I am lied to - I hate it, hate it, hate it ans he must have known that when he arranged to meet up with her.

I was furious when he wouldn't give me his phone cos I just thought - hang on - I have to believe you - show some bloody trust in me not to snoop.

[Rhubarb]

Don't you see how he can work this to his advantage? He says that you need to get over his past indiscretions, that you are being paranoid and snoopy and clingy. So even if there were reasons for you to be suspicious, he could just play that card and you'd be subdued into apologies.

Why did she want to meet him?
Who arranged it?
Why did she put the photo on facebook?
Why did he want to meet her after what has happened in the past?

So he doesn't leave his phone lying around at all and he 'reassures' you - or is that another way of saying, he 'lies' to you?

I don't think your suspicions are wrong at all. I started off thinking that perhaps you did have issues, but once I'd read a bit more I now think that he's leading you a merry dance whilst managing to convince you that it's you with the problem.

What do your friends think about all of this?

[SemperEadem]

I sound so stupid don't I? I'm not a doormat honest tho reading it back I can see how it reads.

[SemperEadem]

They all went out as a big group - all clubbing together and stuff - its a sister of his friend.

Thats when he met her and he decided to stay in touch with her I suppose.

But he shold have told me.

[SemperEadem]

I agree with what you are all saying as I said all that myself when I first found out.

He insists that there is nothing in it and that he thought I just wouldn't believe him and think there was more to it.

She lives at the other end of the country so I know he isn't with her. What has he done to make it better? Well he says he leaves his phone lying around (he doesn't), he has spent a long time reassuring me and stuff.

I suppose I'm feeling crap because the incidents he had were years ago and we had truly moved on ( or so I thought) but when I found out about this friendship - I was absolutely devastated because I thought he should know better and that honesty is what I need and demand from him no matter how he thought I would react.

He met her when she came down to visit family on his lunchbreak from work. There is a pub nearby the barracks. I thought he was at work and I always ask him what he has done that day and he must have lied .

He is staying at the army barracks now.

I have been a harridan about stuff recently - always giving him a hard time but I thought well if I am showing that I am going to believe you then you need to trust me not to snoop.

[Rhubarb]

This woman is someone he went out for drinks with after you had split up? Just drinks was it? I doubt it. Why is he calling her again?

Honestly, look at what is staring you in the face. He admitted to cheating on you years ago, then he was just 'flirting' with a friend on facebook - you found that out, he didn't admit it.

Now he's back in contact with an old 'friend', he met her in secret and calls her from work. Oh and he refuses to hand over his phone because apparently you can't trust him?

Read your posts as you would do a friend. What would you think if a friend relayed this story to you, what would your advice be?

[MaDuggar]

are you 100% sure they are just friends? or am I just extrremely cynical

[Rhubarb]

"There was also a photo of them on fb that looked recent so I asked when it was taken and he said years ago - it looked recent so I called him on it. He kept lying and then finally admitted it was taken last year in our hometown when she was nearby visiting family. He never told me this." So where did you think he was when he was meeting his woman? Was the meeting a chance one or was it arranged? If you have been unfaithful before, I'm sorry but you don't put yourself in situations that may be tempting. How can you trust him if he keeps lying to you?

Why wouldn't he give you his phone? So what if you go through the texts? Surely that's to be expected when you've cheated once before? If there is nothing on his phone, what is he worried about?

How has he shown you that he can be trusted again? What has he actively done to prove to you that he can be trusted?

Do you not know where he's staying?

[SemperEadem]

Thats what I was trying to explain tohim. That if I can believe him then he has to believe me.

The unfaithful thing was a kiss in a nightclub years ago (2002) then followed by the email thing (2003) so years ago and I had moved on from them.

He told me about the kiss thing - I didn't find out so I know he can be honest.

I have snooped in the past because I just had a feeling. Yes, it was innocent and him and this girl are just friends but he should have told me and not lied to me - especially because of our past. He said what I found wasn't worth the snooping because it was innocent and I said that he still shouldn't have lied - he said he thought (because of the past) that I would 'go off it' if he told me he was still in contact with a female friend. I said I wouldn't , I may not have liked it but I can't stop him from being friends with people.

He is staying in the army barracks.

[BunnyAndJoon]

I am with Rhubs on this.

You shouldn't be blaming yourself after his behaviour, and to blame you for having trust issues after all of those lies is, frankly, ridiculous.

Where is he staying?

[Rhubarb]

Right. He's abused your trust and is still abusing your trust. I'm really really sorry, I really am, but he's left you for someone else.

Trust your instincts. He's made out that you are mad. He's created the perfect excuse for leaving you. The only issues you have are with his past indiscretions - I wouldn't trust a man who'd cheated on me once, that would be it for me. But you stood by him, you took him back. Then you find out that he's flirting with someone, again you forgive him. What if you hadn't found out these things? Do you think he would have volunteered the information? He only stopped because he got caught. What has he done to make you trust him again? Because after his affair, the onus was on him to prove to you that he could be trustworthy. He hasn't done that. The lies don't have to be big lies, but the very fact that he still keeps things from you, still lies to you, means that you cannot trust this man.

This is not your fault. You have acted the way any woman would act. More so. You took him back, you forgave him, you trusted him, you gave him chance after chance. He has abused that trust and now he has the cheek to tell you that it's your fault.

Where is he staying? More to the point, who is he staying with?