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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and I had an argument last tuesday and dh is still blanking me

65 replies

arabella2 · 06/10/2008 07:21

and it is now Monday morning which makes it 5 days probably the longest this has ever happened before but whereas in the past I would somehow have pleaded with him thus demeaning my own points of view because if he is upset about stuff then so am I, this time I am not doing anything waiting to see how long he can go on like this. It's not nice though. I don't want to start talking about things when he is in this mood because he will just bark aggressively at me and I can't take it... we do have things to discuss but I don't know why I had to end up with someone who uses such controlling prolonged sulking as a weapon. Anyone else with a serial sulker?

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 06/10/2008 07:41

No, because I wouldn't live with someone who acted like such a child!

How on earth do you put up with it?

ilovemydog · 06/10/2008 07:44

DP sulks, but usually snaps out of it after a few hours.

How do you usually deal with it?

Tortington · 06/10/2008 07:47

oh god i can't stand it.

tell him to communicate with you or fuck off

the child

Libra1975 · 06/10/2008 07:47

that's quite impressive (not in a good way obv). I think at this stage I would just turn it into a joke and encourage him to try and keep on sulking as long as possible. (sorry my DH not a sulker so haven't got any real advice)

Beetroot · 06/10/2008 07:53

are you talking to him?

NoBiggy · 06/10/2008 07:53

He's learned it from somewhere.

In know where dp learned it from.

His father lives in the same house as his mother but didn't talk to her for 20 odd years. A lot of that time they slept in the same bed.

He speaks now, but he seems to have forgotten who she is.

I don't know what you can do with someone who thinks this is the way to behave. I've spoken to dp, and he knows intellectually that it's wrong, but just seems unable to adjust (or adjust enough).

Anna8888 · 06/10/2008 07:56

When I first knew him, my DP had a habit of sulking when he didn't get his own way.

I now know he had learnt it from his mother.

Anyway, I just laughed at him so hard that he had to relent and he got over it quickly.

However, you seem to be settled in a pattern .

LoveMyGirls · 06/10/2008 08:03

What was the row about? Has it been resolved? His bags would be out until he was going to act like an adult i think.

RubberDuck · 06/10/2008 08:09

Does the trait come with any other manipulative behaviour? I only ask because my mother's ex-bf was like this (longest running silence was a couple of months, iirc). I found out later that this was just one of an arsenal of manipulative behaviours which, in my opinion (and my mother's in the end) bordered on abuse.

They split up in the end after a particularly venomous finale.

I do think you need to take a serious look at this, and if your arguments are never resolved without you backing down to stop the silence, then relationship counselling would be my priority at this stage.

LazyLinePainterJane · 06/10/2008 08:27

So he bullies you with silence until you admit defeat? Urgh, do you find this attractive?

I would go Anna's route...start laughing. Or telling him to fuck off. Either way.

CherryChapstick · 06/10/2008 08:29

Echo Custy.
Pack it in or pack ya stuff.
Twat!

OrmIrian · 06/10/2008 08:30

Blimey arabella! I posted about DH sulking after just a few hours. A few days???

How do you cope?

Why do they think it's a sensible grown-up way to act?

CharleeInChains · 06/10/2008 08:34

God i wish my DP would sulk and not talk to me! When something has pissed on his fireworks i have to hear about it relentlessly until he either gets bored or it gets resolved!

Weegle · 06/10/2008 08:35

What a child - and even a child couldn't go on that long.

I would merrily and joyfully get on with life - in fact I would actively do so, so he sees it isn't getting the reaction he clearly wants. When he comes out of it eventually you need to have a serious chat about ways to handle disagreements.

NorkyButNice · 06/10/2008 08:39

DH is a sulker - it drives me crazy. After at first trying to cajole him out of it, I soon resorted to the tactic of just leaving him to it - lucky for me (and him) he has a crap memory and soon forgets what he was sulking about.

If he tried to drag it on for days I would honestly be telling him that he has to buck up his ideas or our marriage just would not be sustainable.

FloriaTosca · 06/10/2008 08:42

No personal experience of this but my maternal grandfather was a serial sulker, he decided to give my mother the silent treatment when she was 19 over a disagreement... Mum, a very independant person who is perfectly happy in her own company, says that after 6 months he suddenly offered her a cup of tea and started talking as if nothing had ever been wrong when he realised that his attitude was not only not changing her opinion but it wasnt bothering her in the least that he wouldn't talk and the only person who was hurt by the silence was himself, he never tried it with her again (though he often did it to her mother and sister)...being sent to Coventry doesnt hurt if you dont allow it to...but as other have said, particularly if Dh intellectually agrees that is unaccepatble behaviour yet still employs it as a manipulative tool, he does need counselling as an individual to help him discard the learned behaviours of his upbringing and also as a couple so you can both learn the best way to cope with helping him avoid situations that trigger this childishness and ways of managing the situation without diminishing yourself if/when they do happen.
I hope the situation resolves soon.

LazyLinePainterJane · 06/10/2008 09:19

6 months!!!

Original poster
arabella2 · 06/10/2008 10:08

Hi
Bearing in mind that he has called me a leach before (with regards to money, ie. I use up more of it than him - things like wasting food or leaving lights on or running up the phone bill more) and I didn't overreact to this point, I didn't think that when I called him a leach last Tuesday (for different reasons) he would call me a bitch and tell me to FUCK OFF.... Basically all day he had been going on about stuff - where his keys were (well the keys of a house where he is doing work) and I was hunting in trousers etc... then I took stuff to the post office and bank okay my job too since he is self-employed and I can do these things with youngest dd (2 years old) in tow... But all day he has somehow been around going on about stuff - he/we has/have money problems for about 3 years and he is seriously pissed off - then just before I left for my new course where I am out of the house between 5.30pm and 9.15pm on a tuesday evening he starts going on about how he should be working (which he can't if he is will kids who are 2, 4 and 6). Then he passes me some letters to post and says they have to leave today - it was too late for this unless I made a detour which I didn't want to make because I was on the way to course - anyway then he cracks some joke about how they needed to be recorded and instead of laughing I called him a leach... Then he said what he said and frosty silence ensued. At first I too thought it would be a relief because he has a tendency to go on at me a lot, but of course he is also withholding all affection but giving loads to the kids...
We do have problems regarding money, the mess in the house and he thinks I don't help him which I probably don't but a lot of the time I am annoyed with him. My Mum left me a tiny sum of money when she died 2 years ago and he wants to borrow some of it but at the same time he makes noises as if he will never be able to pay it back. There are loads of people he has not invoiced yet for whom he does not work but the money my Mum left me is somehow fair game - I know you are going to argue that we are married and I should be more generous but the house is entirely in his name (he pays mortgage) and I feel as if I own nothing. I will lend it to him but when we are talking again I will ask him if he can set up a direct debit from his account where he pays a small amount each month with no interest as that can be payment for all the phone bills... Anyway as you can see it is all rather twisted. The other thing that annoys me about the money is that he does own one particular property (well 3 others as well as the house but only one of these might sell at present, one was rented out but the tenants have left and the third is not fully renovated yet but he does not have the money to do it) which may sell so I do not understand given the financial difficulties he is in (which are fairly serious) why he couldn't sell that.... It seems that I am somehow meaningless - he owns these properties and this money that my Mum left me which is very little but is my only kind of psychological security is fair game...
With regards to the sulking I cannot really tell him where to go as we have 3 kids etc etc.... The laughing / getting on with it approach might work more. I am talking to him a little bit but he responds monosyllabically or unpleasantly. Yesteray his sister was over and he dared to have 2 gos at me in front of her which he would never do in front of my family. There must have been a sulker in his family but not sure who.... his Dad left the family home when he was 15. Dh himself is divorced and his brothers and sisters do not have a great track record - 2 seem to be okay with their partners but 2 others have lived together for years but separated if you see what I mean.
At his best dh is affectionate and kind but he is also short tempered, cynical and BORING.

OP posts:
Original poster
arabella2 · 06/10/2008 10:09

Sorry, there are loads of people has not invoiced yet for whom he DOES work - and sorry about other typos too

OP posts:
Original poster
arabella2 · 06/10/2008 10:13

Oh and critical.....

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 06/10/2008 10:14

Do what Libra said (my dh is a teacher and does this with the kids when they sulk)

"Go oooon, sulk a bit more, REALLY work on that expression, go on , just a liiiiiitlle bit more, you're really achieving something now....'

said in a very upbeat voice. Repeat hourly if necessary and get on with your life cheerfully.

solidgoldskullonastick · 06/10/2008 10:14

If your name is not on the house deeds/mortage then there is NO WAY you should be lending him any of your inheritance. Sharing works both ways - are you paying him rent? Or is he paying the mortgage and you paying food/bills etc? Because either way, this means he could (theoretically, not saying he would) bleed you dry of all your money then kick you out.

pooka · 06/10/2008 10:18

I would not be at all happy to not have my name on the deeds for the house.

You look after your joint children. As a result of which, he can work and earn money. Therefore you are contributing to the household income by enabling him to earn.

I would certainly withhold your inheritance, if it is the case that he is withholding allowing you joint legal ownership of the house.

His attitude stinks/.

Original poster
arabella2 · 06/10/2008 10:18

I pay for food, clothes etc... extra curricular activities, a week away this summer, new sofas recently... he pays for mortgage, bills, council tax, car insurance, petrol etc...
He couldn't kick me out because we are married - which is one of the reasons I wanted to get married when I was pregnant with our first child.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 06/10/2008 10:19

maybe he's let this go on for so long now that he doesn't know how to get out of it without "losing face"???

and what do you think he's holding out for? an apology from you? offers of help? or tthe offer of the money?? something must be motivating him to keep going with this?

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