Dh and I had an argument last tuesday and dh is still blanking me

[arabella2]

and it is now Monday morning which makes it 5 days probably the longest this has ever happened before but whereas in the past I would somehow have pleaded with him thus demeaning my own points of view because if he is upset about stuff then so am I, this time I am not doing anything waiting to see how long he can go on like this. It's not nice though. I don't want to start talking about things when he is in this mood because he will just bark aggressively at me and I can't take it... we do have things to discuss but I don't know why I had to end up with someone who uses such controlling prolonged sulking as a weapon. Anyone else with a serial sulker?

have no idea how you maintain a huff for that long.really you both need to grow up

the marriage fairy wont sprinkle love dust and resolve all yer woes.so act responsibly, get talking, dont be so bloody stubborn

sheesh two huffy adults with a kop on, how harmonious.

Do NOT hand over any of your inheritance.
He is being a twat.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and hold a conversation with his wife like a normal person.

I'd've karate kicked him in the wedding vegetables long before now.

'what am I supposed to do about it that doesn't jeopardise whole of life together?'

maybe you need to be honest with yourself....do you want a whole life like this? stupid moods and awkward silences? financially spillting up each contribution you both make to the household you alledgedly share to try and prove how 'equal' you are?
what is this doing to your children..what do you do with your dh that makes you smile and feel loved and worthwhile?

He is the one jeopardising your whole life... his silence is what's called 'passive aggression' and is a method of trying to manipulate someone by making them nervous and unsure. It's very effective because you are now furiously trying to fix it while he gives you nothing.

You need to seriously think about why your name isn't on the mortgage. You could have something legally drawn up so that in the event of a split, you both get 50% if that's his concern. Don't brush this under the carpet or it could come back to haunt you.

Your thread is not pathetic. Should be called kidsnet with such tantrums

Thank you blinks - the thing about the mortgage is that I have long got used to it and have contributed nothing towards it. The way he sees it is in the event of death or divorce I get some of the house anyway so no need to do the deeds thing which makes him nervous because of first wife walking off with almost everything that he had worked for even tried to steal his car.
Yes the sulking is controlling behaviour and I think it is second nature to him because all his brothers and sisters are able to do the same thing. My responsibility in the whole thing is not doing much to alleviate the situation which is difficult for all of us (money wise) not just him and this thread has if anything made me think of my own part to play so that is what I am going to do - organise my life properly so the house is less messy and more peaceful, and so that I have a little time to help with paperwork. Then if those things don't help I will have the serious conversation with him about what we should be doing because it is not right like this.... My lending him the money I am not going to mention for the moment until have helped him with other stuff ---- that may be enough to get things on an even keel anyway.

it's your choice- contributions towards a household are not always financial though. I make no money and DH earns but i look after children and house and we own the home jointly. i would be pooling all your money, incl and getting your name on the mortgage.

read up on dealing with passive aggression though..you might find some tactics.

you can't change him, only your response to him.

how come the ex got everything? that's highly unusual...

I don't know exactly but apparently she falsified documents etc... I think if I asked him about putting my name on the mortgage (which I have done in the past) he would just think I was planning to leave him asap...

that's silly... i would suggest that you put the inheritance in the pot and your name is put on the mortgage.

if that's his instinct -that you're planning on leaving him- then you're relationship is built on shaky ground.

But my inheritance is small and only a tiny tiny part of the whole value of the house - less than a tenth though of course not sure now because of stagnant housing market. If this doesn't matter because it is symbolic then in a way also not having one's name on the mortgage doesn't matter either because it shouldn't really make a difference to your "couplehood".....

So what. how many couples contribute exactly 50% towards household budget? Not bloody many. What about SAHMs- should their names not be on the mortgage because their contribution is not financial?

It does make a difference to 'couplehood'. He has financial power over you. That's not a partnership, it's a dictatorship.

You have no guarantee that if you did split up, you would get what's rightfully yours- 50%

I'm not saying this to make you uneasy or to make out he's a big baddy. For whatever reason, your marriage is unequal. If you're OK with that then I respect you but don't pretend to yourself that he's not more in control than you because he is and he will continue to be.

It is a bit of a 'made your bed so lie in it' situation... equality has to be across the board. He has more control and he's flexing it by carrying on in this manner...he can get away with it because he feels he has the reigns on your relationship. He obviously doesn't want to be hurt again etc but then he shouldn't be married. Why should you pay for something someone else did.

Bollocks to that.

Sorry blinks, did not realise you had posted - I agree that SAHMs are as equal as working dads and that without them, before considering anything else, the husbands would be forking out loads of money for childcare... However I think that even in a situation where both names are on the deed, unless both people are paying equal amounts then automatically one person, be it the man or the woman, is kind of more in "control" in a lot of cases though I am sure not all.
With regards to dh, I think he finds it a lot easier to distance himself than I do and knows from past experience that he is fine whatever happens... I don't think his behaviour is good and I AM annoyed by it, but I think he is seriously annoyed with me about loads of things (ie. not helping him with anything much to do with his work) and it is coming out in this way. The other thing about dh and me is that I have for a long time had a bigger propensity to overspend than him and that causes problems..... Actually I am sure that is one of his issues...I don't want to discuss it with him at present so I am waiting for the wind to change. But the atmosphere is not bad at home in general since we are both getting on with things in the normal way. In a way it is slightly restful because though upsetting, it also allows me to think more about what I want and what I want to do. I've always thought things were unequal in some ways, well especially to do with the house etc..., but the way I felt about it got a lot better after the kids were born. Anyway, too much information probably all of this.

i know these things are complex- not many relationships are straightforward... BUT i sense you're a little scared of upsetting him generally. you should be able to discuss these things...

It's true, I am. You kind of learn to live with certain things not being exactly as you would like them to be. Also personalities in general because if I had my way then he would be a much more laid back character. Probaly if he had his way I would be tidier, cook fantastic meals and generally help him out. Trouble is I don't want to be totally engulfed by him but maybe that is what marriage is??? Anyway have decided to drop all the anger in my head as it is getting me nowhere and maybe this can be an emotionally fresh start for me, though I am not going to back down on the things which I think are important (ie. we BOTH have things to be annoyed about, not just him). Thank you for helping me to sort my thoughts out Blinks.

no probs.

no relationship is perfect. compromise is necessary but try not to compromise too much...

no point being angry so that's good. you can only change your reaction to his sulking/controlling nature.

x