DH unable to move forward after my affair

[Jax42]

We have two pre school children, I went out on a Christmas work do and met a man. We swapped numbers and I left it at that. Months later, I felt disconnected with DH, we were arguing and I wanted an escape. I contacted the other man and we met for drinks, planned to have sex but I couldn’t go through with it, I felt too guilty. We ended everything, all communication and only recently I’ve told DH about it. It’s been a week and he is constantly berating me, asking in depth questions then still being intimate with me. I understand, but it’s constant, almost every conversation he points towards the fling. We are arguing more than ever. I’ve realised where I went wrong and I’m going to seek therapy for my issues but that’s not enough for him, he is constantly punishing me. Will it get better in time? I’m just looking for some advice.

I don’t blame him

It’s been a week! Give him a chance

Indeed ... who can blame him. Poor man.

You didn't really have an affair. Imho. In hindsight you shouldn't have told him. But it's up to him if he won't move on. You can't force him. But it's only a week. Maybe he wants to get it out of his system rather than bottling it up. Give it a few more weeks.

How would you feel OP if your DH did what you have done to him? Would you be silent over it only a week later?

It was neither an affair or a fling. You stopped yourself before it got to that. I don’t think you needed to tell him tbh. Give him time, imagine how hurt he must be.

Why did you tell him and what did you expect would happen?

You have a job and 2 pre-school children - maybe grow up and focus on them for a change instead of getting dick.

It's been a WEEK. How quickly would you get over something like this? All accepted wisdom about recovery from an affair suggests that the unfaithful partner must provide openness and avoid defensiveness in the aftermath.

You had an emotional affair and that destroys trust just as much as a physical one

It's a pretty big deal to realise that you can no longer trust your spouse. I wouldn't be able to just forget about that a week later either.

Given you didn’t do anything I’m not sure you should have told him, but seeking therapy etc sensible. You can’t blame him for reacting this way, he’s entitled to.

If roles were reversed we’d all be saying you’re not getting the whole truth you’ll be receiving a heavily reduced version because he feared you would be told etc. You have to let the natural reaction and processing happen now, very unreasonable to be complaining about it a week in! Maybe some couples therapy might be needed to try and work through it in a safe space.

It's good that you stopped yourself from actually going through with it, but the intent was there and it's still a massive betrayal. Did you kiss the other man? Having been on the recieving end of infidelity I can tell you that the emotional damage caused is permanent and it changes you forever. I cannot begin to even describe how horrific it is to find out the person you love has been deceiving you with someone else - if you think your DH should just get over it I'm afraid you are deluded, you don't 'get it'. You aren't understanding how deeply you have hurt him and destroyed his trust. He might not be able to move on from this. You need to put the work in to u derstand how he feels and see if its even possible to rebuild trust - you aren't the person he thought you were.

You told him, I assume, to assuage your own guilt. Does this feel better than what you were living with before?

I don't blame him either. I think that you have to accept that there might be a chance that you'll not get through this regardless of the actions that you take to overcome your issues.

There is an air of premeditation there. Holding on to a number for a number of months before action. I don't think that there is anything further you can do apart from be understanding about the bomb that you just lit under his life.

This is all about how you feel.
Your DH is allowed to process your betrayal in his own time. It's not up to you to tell him to move forward if he can't .
Perhaos you would both benefit from some time apart .

Serves you right. You deserve it.

Or so she claims. If my partner gave me this story I’d assume it was bullshit. Cheaters often minimise.

I understand, but it’s constant, almost every conversation he points towards the fling.

No, you don't. He's still processing it, for him it's akin to a grief over a bereavement - in this case his trust in you. if you think that's going to be over in a week, I've news for you. It might have been a 'fling' to you, but it clearly wasn't to him.

Why should he believe your version of events?
People saying you didn't do anything but if roles were reversed people would be saying don't believe him, he's only telling you what he can get away with.
Plus it's been a week.
I don't think you deserve sympathy to be honest.

I cannot begin to even describe how horrific it is to find out the person you love has been deceiving you with someone else

I have been single and not even tried another relationship ever since we divorced and it's been years. I could not face that pain again.

Yeah, I’m on his side.

I’m always baffled how someone with two incredibly young children finds the time, let alone the inclination for an affair!

You’ve made your bed OP. Now you need to take the consequences. A week is not very long at all, you’ve thrown a grenade into his life.

It isn’t just what you did- it’s the characteristics traits you need to do that. You have just revealed to him that if there is a problem in your marriage, you will selfishly not consider him at all and go out to seek solace elsewhere. That is a level of self absorption and distrust most people wouldn’t want to be married to. If anyone was advising him on what to do they’d be saying ‘if someone tells you who they are, listen.’

You sound like you're really minimising your actions. If my DH intentionally took someone else's number and met up with her with the full intention of having sex, even if he didn't go through with it, I'd be devastated and certainly not silent about it after only one week. I'm not sure if I could trust him again tbh.

If you want to save the relationship then I'm sure there is good advice online about what to do to regain trust after something like this, but I think it's likely to take a lot of time and effort for both of you.

Do you want to save it? Neither of you sounds happy even before this.