25 year age gap

[FreshPrinceL]

I’ve started dating a parent at my children’s school - He is wonderful! However he is 25 years older and I am worried what my family will think, especially my dad. I am 31 and he is 56.

Just to clarify, I’ve no issue whatsoever with the gap. I understand a lot of problems with age gap relationships are not the gap themselves, but the difference in where people are in their lives. We seem to have many similarities - own homes, children same ages, careers, no want for anything that would take us away from where we’re currently situated (many guys my age and up to 15 years older are still in the ‘I want to find a travel partner’ stage - no judgement, but I certainly am not in that place) so he suits me very well. I’m sure I do him, too.

I would love and greatly appreciate any similar experiences of tricky family situations in relation to an age gap relationship or any advice would be so helpful.

You're young, you're at that age where older men are fun and still youngish themselves. So enjoy a nice fling.

But I wouldn't try and envision a long term future with this man, as it's unlikely that the gap will be quite so fun when you're 50 and he's 75.

Yeah an alright for now relationship but not long term unless you want to be a young carer.

You’ll get a mixed bag of reactions I think. If you’re thinking long term, there’s a point at which the age gap might noticeable physical health differences. You may completely fall for each other and this won’t be a problem for you or this may be a deal breaker. It worked for friends of my parents where the age gap was 19 years. When his health declined, she became his carer but it was very much her decision and a role she took on willingly.

Have you thought about how your life would look together in the long run? He’s likely to retire at least two decades before you, how would that work? Would the bigger financial commitment come from you?
Would you enjoy working for twenty years while he potters about and spends time on hobbies?
The younger woman in these situations often brushes it off but you would likely be his carer while you are still relatively young, your children would still be young and living with you and your partner’s needs would only be getting greater.

Empirically, 25 years represents a generation, - I’m guessing that
Mr Wonderful is the same age as your Dad, who may well find this
coupling difficult and possibly unsavoury.

If he is 56 how old is his child.

It is now 8.30 pm on a Saturday night

Why are you not out with him rather than on MN asking us what we think

Twenty year age gap, married nearly 40 years. Wonderful relationship until his dementia diagnosis a few years ago. Since then, I have been as much a prisoner of his diseaseas he is. I don't regret my marriage but I wouldn't wish my current situation on anyone.

@Madamefroufrou it’s 8:30pm on a Saturday night and the reason I’m not out with him and posting on MN is because I’m home with my children. What has that anything to do with what I’ve asked?

I’m 46 and would not consider a 56 year old! Don’t let this man steal your youth.

OP, enjoy this relationship in the here and now.

But seriously, do not invest long or even mid term.

The age difference will become apparent.

He’s probably tired!

More like I am

Do your kids know you’re dating a parent from their school?

Most adults are careful not to shit where they eat as the expression goes, but shitting where your children eat is just as bad.

I think it’s grim op. More so, because he’s a parent at your child’s school as well. Hugely embarrassing for them in sure. And also why middle things for them there? You are so so young, and he’s an old man. I would think there’s some issues on your part to be even thinking of doing this.

Exactly! Very bad idea to do this. Your kids need to be the priority here.

I'm 45 and was seeing a 56yo, it was fun, but he was planning for winding things down over the next 4 years and retiring, I'm just getting back going with my career after being part time whilst DD was little. He didn't cope well at all when I suddenly had very little time for him due to New role at work, MSc and parenting.

What are your plans for your career when your child is a bit older, what are his retirement plans - it might be harder than you think to reconcile the difference.

Although you are at the same stage in one respect, in all others you are not. Can you picture yourself going to dinner with his friends and their wives, all 50s and 60s presumably. Meeting his nieces and nephews who will be your age, but coming as their uncle’s new girlfriend. Or him going out with you and your friends, all late 20/early 30s.

It’s fine to socialise over different generations of course, but when you are also in a relationship it becomes a little iffy.

To be fair I don’t think mumsnet will ever be supportive. There are mums who want to leave their kids for holidays, actively say they hate being a mum and get all the support possible.

If you’re single and want to date someone who doesn’t fall into the expected age range or are completely separate from your children for the next 30 years you’re silly, selfish, ick or boring! Most people would say don’t plan a future but be happy.

If you like each other just go for it. You are a grown adult and you dont have to tell anyone else if you dont want to

My dh is 11 years older and retired. Most of his friends and their partners similar. I am still working. He is still lively and fit so it's not really an issue at the mo, though he has got a bit more grumpy and set in his ways a la Victor Meldrew. I am very conscious though that by the time I reach retirement age he will be nearly 80 so I am not sure what my retirement will look like - maybe not so much fun as his is currently, certainly. I couldn't imagine 25 years. It would be like going out with my dad.

talking as someone who is 50's, 56 is very different to 31. My DH is the same age as me and his health and energy is very different now at 50-odd than in his 30's. He's trying to pretend he is still a 30yo, going out drinking with his mates and mountain biking, but realistically is much slower, sleepier and less sexually active. He's good at pretending to be 30, but reality is he's asleep mid afternoon when he has an active morning.
Personally I would be careful as 50yo males are good at pretending to be younger but are actually middle aged and can't keep it up. The next stage is 60/70 which is worse on the tiredness front.
I'm living with it so it is easy to see the difference, but if you are not living together I would say it would seem fine to you.

Following , I’m in same boat. 31 dating a 54 year old

I’m 39 married to a 60 year old. We’ve been together since I was 24 and he was 45.

Honestly it’s been a wonderful life but if I let myself think too much I do worry about the future. Mostly losing him and being a lonely old lady.

I don’t really get the ‘stealing your youth’ comments. DH’s energy matches mine and always has. Actually thinking back he was always the one up first with the DC when they were little and has far more get up and go than a lot of men I know who are my age and younger. He works out and takes care of himself. People are often surprised when they find out his age.

The age gap was an issue for my parents at first but then they met him and saw how well suited we are and how happy he made me. Then it wasn’t something that really mattered anymore.

There’s a man in his thirties who’ll suit you OP. He’s out there somewhere. Be patient.

Don’t settle for this Peter Pan character. Let him make a fool of himself elsewhere.

Do you hate holidays hence the travel partner comment ?

The you will become his carer argument isn't very valid

My husband is only 8 years older than me but got diagnosed with Parkinsons. He now has cancer too. I have become a carer to a man not even old enough to retire.

This man could be in brilliant health during old age or he could have a heart attack and die before he is old enough to retire. Maybe you will become a carer to him eventually because he falls apart. Nobody can predict the future so sometimes you just have to take a gamble.