25 year age gap

[FreshPrinceL]

I’ve started dating a parent at my children’s school - He is wonderful! However he is 25 years older and I am worried what my family will think, especially my dad. I am 31 and he is 56.

Just to clarify, I’ve no issue whatsoever with the gap. I understand a lot of problems with age gap relationships are not the gap themselves, but the difference in where people are in their lives. We seem to have many similarities - own homes, children same ages, careers, no want for anything that would take us away from where we’re currently situated (many guys my age and up to 15 years older are still in the ‘I want to find a travel partner’ stage - no judgement, but I certainly am not in that place) so he suits me very well. I’m sure I do him, too.

I would love and greatly appreciate any similar experiences of tricky family situations in relation to an age gap relationship or any advice would be so helpful.

I wouldn’t react well to my family member in this situation

Is the mother of his child a similar age to you? I'd be put off a man who seems to have a 'thing' for much younger women.

Introduce him to your friends and family, they know you best. Watching a potential partner interact with your social circle is a great way to test a new relationship out.

My dad had a relationship with a woman 28 years younger than him.

I wasn't at school with her kids, but it definitely lowered my opinion of him. I don't know that there's any advice there about how to talk about it. It didn't matter how he framed it, the reality was he came across as pretty sleazy.

Where have I said he ‘came onto me’ at the school gates? We met there originally and was a situation of we kept bumping into each other since we live in the same area (both not from here), we use the same gym, use the only supermarket in the area, so conversations naturally formed the more we saw each other. I understand people having their opinions, but to make presumptuous statements because of those opinions isn’t fair.

Oh no it wouldn’t be for me that’s the same age gap as me and my dad. As others have said ok now but not when you’re 55 and he’s 80

I agree.
The fact that he has a 7 year old now in his late 50s to me suggests a pattern of chasing women who are quite a bit younger than him.

I’m sure his ex partner wasn’t anywhere near his age when they had a baby.

Your family probably are going to have some concerns about it OP, and I don't think there's any way round that. If my 30 something sister or cousin told me she was in a relationship with a bloke 25 years older, it was getting serious enough to introduce us and the extent of her thinking about what happens when he's elderly was that it's best not to dwell on these things, I'd be worried.

I think maybe the most sensible thing is to go in expecting that someone's going to say something.

I spent 10 years with a man 20 years older than me, until he got dementia and died. The happiness of the relationship was worth the pain of the ending. None of us knows what’s ahead of us. Don’t ask other people’s opinions - of course it’s not creepy. Only you will know if the quality of the relationship makes it worth the risks.

You were not born yet when he graduated university :) other than that you are 2 consenting adults,etc. I doubt your parents would be delighted though.

Yeah I understand what you’re saying, she is older than me, in her 40’s, I don’t know exact age, they were married for 15 yrs

If it's just some fun for now fine. Longer term it's disastrous for you.

Won’t you always have the nagging doubt that what he likes about you is your youth? Why did he seperated from his last wife?

I absolutely would not do this - you are not equals .

You can sell this relationship to your family the same way you are selling it here. Explain why you feel you are suited well. Personally, I feel , you might be over estimating his suitability. I’ve met plenty of men in that age bracket who just want to have fun, selfish and have zero desire to commit. However, they won’t tell you that. He looks at you and sees a young body, desire for stability which can be exploited , you look at him and think he will provide you with love, care and stable long term relationship. Give it a try , see how it goes but be realistic.

Nothing at all wrong if you are both adults and like each other. I hope he is wealthy though.

Lots of ageism here - a 56 year old being described as an "old man", men of that age described as sleepier, slower, needing an afternoon nap etc 😆

I'm 57, DH 58, our siblings and friends all similar ages and the above descriptions are vastly exaggerated in my experience.

Having said that the issue here is the age difference rather than his age per se and it is not a situation I would go into long term. My mum is 25 years older than me and I would find life very constrained if my DH were that age.

Me and DP are that age. Yesterday he had a lie in and then fell asleep on the sofa at 7pm while listening to birdsong on YouTube.

Have a fling but don’t move in with him and end up caring for him as he slows down when you should be ramping up and having more excitement in your life. When your kids are older and more independent you will want to be having fun, not washing an old bloke’s undies.

I hadn’t seen your post @Wishimaywishimight but mine follows yours perfectly 🤣

I agree that the age gap is the problem, the difference. OP is tired with young kids now so their energy levels don’t differe but over time this is going to change.

@StickyProblemPerfect timing 😂

I don’t think it’s old. But the gap is massive. When she’s 50 and he’s 75 it will really show.

My original query was if anyone had any advice or had been in a similar situation and how their loved ones reacted. I didn’t actually ask anyone’s opinion on the gap itself, however I understand it’s not particularly the most conventional.

In my BIL's case her parents played it very well. They welcomed him without a problem - and they must have been slightly freaking because she was younger than you and had not been married. I think that helped defuse the relationship tbh. Watching your new boyfriend enjoy playing bridge with your parents is nice but maybe not what a woman in her 20s wants. In the end of the day you can't control your loved ones' reactions and I hope they have the sense to keep their thoughts to themselves.

I don't think the comments about age are ageist. Dh is older than the OP's new guy. He is fit, good looking, engaged, working, attractive. no health issues. He isn't the man he was at 31 though - and I'm not the same as I was then either. People get older.

I have only read your posts @FreshPrinceL, so may be repeating what others have said - apologies if so.

There are 10 years between me and my husband, which doesn’t sound like much. However, what I wish we had thought of, is that as we get older the gap gets bigger. He is of retirement age and is counting down the days until I am, by which point he may be struggling more physically. This worries him and puts pressure on us. He feels as if he is in limbo, waiting for me. I can’t retire any earlier than planned - we still have children to support. It might not sound like much, but it’s a bigger issue than you realise.

Im over 60, and I think you’ll be getting an old man to look after sooner than you think! It seems a large gap. But only you can decide.

I would ask myself why a 56 year old man would date a 31 year old.

You are both at completely different stages of your life.

I am a 55 year old woman and to me a 31 year old is a young person who I would have little in common with.

I think it is selfish as well of the older person to date someone so much younger rather than understand that a 31 year old should be dating closer to their age with someone who has similar levels of health, energy and life goals and will provide any potential children with a father who has enough stamina to cope with raising a child.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea OP...

Go for it. My husband is 62, to my 42. We are very happy. He has had health issues but so have I. Young men can be pillocks!

I have friends with this gap, they got together at roughly the ages you two are now, and they are still very happily married over 25 years later.