25 year age gap

[FreshPrinceL]

I’ve started dating a parent at my children’s school - He is wonderful! However he is 25 years older and I am worried what my family will think, especially my dad. I am 31 and he is 56.

Just to clarify, I’ve no issue whatsoever with the gap. I understand a lot of problems with age gap relationships are not the gap themselves, but the difference in where people are in their lives. We seem to have many similarities - own homes, children same ages, careers, no want for anything that would take us away from where we’re currently situated (many guys my age and up to 15 years older are still in the ‘I want to find a travel partner’ stage - no judgement, but I certainly am not in that place) so he suits me very well. I’m sure I do him, too.

I would love and greatly appreciate any similar experiences of tricky family situations in relation to an age gap relationship or any advice would be so helpful.

You say you have lots in common but you're generations apart and there will be topics that come up and experiences that he will have gone through that you can't possibly relate to.
Apart from anything when everything starts to sag and he starts getting aches and pains, slows up etc he won't seem so attractive then. Plus long term particularly as women ourlive men, you'll end up as his carer.
You should watch the Sex In The City episode where Samantha tries to date a rich old man but can't go through with having sex with him once she sees his saggy arse walking across the bedroom.

My OH is 10yrs older but we met when I was 28 and neither of us had kids. This is tricky. Fundamentally if you like him you’ll have to tolerate a lot of judgement from other people.

No I wouldn’t date an old crusty 25 years older than me but they would be in their late 60s. Hell I wouldn’t want someone in their mid 50s now! Have some self esteem.

I suppose OP if you think about one of the other parents at your dc's school dating your child, that's probably roughly how your Dad might feel.

It wouldn't be the easiest thing for me to get on board with as a parent. You have to be fair about that when seeing their reaction.

My friend is 48 and her DH is 67, they have been very happily married for 20 years.

I’ve got friends who married men twenty plus years older. We are now in our mid sixties and their husbands are very old men. It’s not something I would advise.

A good man wouldn't want to be with someone with such a large age gap. He would realise the likely outcome and that he was stealing your best years. Its creepy as fuck.

What’s wonderful about him? There aren’t an abundance of wonderful men out there tbh and my definition of wonderful doesn’t include pursuing someone almost half his age. Like pps have said. He’s had his youth, don’t waste yours on his.

I have known an age gap scenario like this to end very tragically. It’s not healthy.

I think 'creepy as fuck' is a bit much.

And if there’s not? Op should just sit around and wait? Maybe he’s a better choice than the 30 odd year olds in this world. Judging by many posts on here I’d grab happiness when it’s in front of me.

I disagree. I think its despicable to enter a relationship with a much younger woman. He's had his fun when he was the Ops age. If he was a decent man he would know that the OP would be better with a man nearer her own age.

DP and I have a 24 year gap. Been together years. He’s 70s and fit and hale still. You never know from one day to the next what life is going to throw at you and if you find someone truly decent who genuinely cares about you/your children you’re blessed. However long you get together.

Oh, and he’s the best lover I’ve ever had too. No blue pills ever needed.

Keep it short and casual! Honestly the chances of him getting health issues are pretty high, and he will be retirement age in 10 years time when you’ve just past 40.

Settling into a serious relationship with a man 25 years my senior wouldn't be my choice but the OP is a fully formed adult in her 30s, not some teen who's being preyed upon.

I dont know one age gap relationship like that where the woman hasnt walked away when the man gets a bit long in the tooth and needs more care. And ive come across a few. Sorry to be cynical but they are usually built on bad motivation. The woman wants material security, and the man wants sex with a younger woman or a younger woman because she is more malleable. These relationships dont work and in my experience simply arent built on love.

I appreciate all the comments - reassuring ones, positive stories and even the harsher ones (maybe not ‘creepy as fuck’ though…). I have read them all and I understand and have taken on board the concerns of health in the future, and the rest, but of course disagree with some.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t thought about the future or potential health issues, but I don’t think it’s always the best to dwell on or worry about something that is only a possibility - while it is sensible to consider it, I don’t think it’s right to consider it an inevitability and change my mind based on that.

No, I don’t hate holidays 😂 - I just don’t want to spend my time getting to know someone who’s intention is to go travelling for 6 months while I obviously can’t commit to that (nor do I have the desire to) and will subsequently drop me. I don’t see the point.

I am more than capable of finding someone my own age, this has nothing to do with gaining, or lacking, some form of self respect, confidence or self esteem. I would ask you kindly to consider that you if you were to enter the dating scene at this present moment in time, you’ll quickly learn it is a complete shit show for many reasons. I also have differing views than some guys I talk to, which I guess is the idea of dating. I’m not shaming the men that have different values than me, however I do not have any desire for man that wants to live like a teen or fill me with empty promises. I have dated people of different backgrounds, ages, kids, no kids, and seems to turn out the same, and I’m surprised with ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, ‘I’ve decided I don’t want to be with someone with children’ (of course they didn’t meet them), the classic stringing along or simply lying about their intentions. I’ve even been hidden away. I took a break from dating for a good few months as I was so fed up and just gave up, I started to feel uncomfortable with online dating and dating in general. I then met the person I’m dating in an organic way. For those commenting that I’m awful for dating a single parent I met at school, I understand the concept of not shitting on your own doorstep, however this is a pretty unoriginal way for two people to meet and start dating. I’ve heard this story many times. The kids don’t know. They’re 7.

None of this is my justification for dating someone 25 years older as I don’t feel the need to justify it, my original query was if anyone had experienced any struggle or advice when I came to discussing this with family. But thank everyone for taking the time to comment.

Similar for me.

If you're both happy, compatible and having fun, carry on and enjoy your lives together.

You are both adults. There is a big age gap. It wouldn't be for everyone. I'm not sure what you are asking really. Some relationships like this work out and some don't. Bil had a relationship with someone 20 years younger a few years ago. He was closer in age to her parents than her. It didn't work out even though they were both at similar life stages (single, no kids, interested in having children). But that won't tell you anything about your relationship.

If the guy is actually looking for a long-term relationship then it is really him who is wasting his time. The chances of a 31 year old still being with him in 20 years time are slim I'd say. But maybe he isn't looking for that and if he doesn't mind and you don't mind ... knock yourself out.

My original query was if anyone had any advice or had been in a similar situation and how their loved ones reacted. I didn’t actually ask anyone’s opinion on the gap itself, however I understand it’s not particularly the most conventional.

Now, if you had said you were a 59 yesr old woman looking to date a 31 year old man the replies would be very different. Lots of women telling you that "age is just a number" and so on....you won't get any of that.

It is irrelevant what anyone thinks apart from you, even me. Approach this with the same caution in any relationship.....

Coming onto someone at the school gates is just so bizarre and creepy to me.

I don’t

It is inevitable to look ahead, i suppose, and wonder how things might feel when you are qith a 66 year old and you are only 41. But that is impossible to know. When I was 50 I had a brief relationship with someone who was 30, lasted seven months. It was great but faded out naturally...enjoy it now and see what happens!

Don't kid yourself that the health issues 'may happen'. Of course he's going to have declining health at some point. I haven't dated that old myself but my friend did (26 year gap) and sorely regretted it when she was still youngish and he was a declining old man. His health appointments, medication management, pain complaints gradually took over. The generational difference in interests/tastes had an effect too. Her parents found it awkward and if the couple went out with her friend group he was the odd one out being so much older. By all means date a man slightly older, but give serious thought to such a wide age gap.

My friend is in an age gap relationship (not quite as big a gap as yours). It was fine around your ages, but now she's in her early 60s, in very good health, still working and an active grandmother. Meanwhile she's also his carer (and has been for several years) as he has dementia. It's no longer in any way a relationship of equals. Of course you can end up caring for your partner even if there's no age gap, but it's much more likely to happen if he's a lot older than you.