Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is new boyfriend a sadist?

66 replies

RicolaCherry · Today 13:49

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

OP posts:
Comedycook · Today 13:51

He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is

What an idiot he sounds, and dangerous too, because yes, you have accepted that is how he is...and you've decided based on that, that you don't want to be with him. Sounds like an utter weirdo. Id block him on everything. I wonder if the police would be interested in this?

bardabunga · Today 13:54

Bloody hell, dump him. What a repellent specimen.

Original poster
RicolaCherry · Today 14:07

Comedycook · Today 13:51

He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is

What an idiot he sounds, and dangerous too, because yes, you have accepted that is how he is...and you've decided based on that, that you don't want to be with him. Sounds like an utter weirdo. Id block him on everything. I wonder if the police would be interested in this?

Edited

When I first found the material, I did a Clare's Law on him, but it came back with nothing on his record at all.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · Today 14:10

Thank goodness you’ve had the sense to dump him. I fear you would have been back here in 6 months telling a dreadful story. Good job you found out.

Well done you.

honeylulu · Today 14:14

He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is

And he needs to accept that you don't want to be with someone who is "how he is".
That's horrible. Enjoying women being degraded and hurt. That is never going to be someone who is good partner material. Yuck.

Original poster
RicolaCherry · Today 14:14

He met my parents for drinks one night and they didn't like him. They are both very intuitive and both said there was something off with him, but didn't know what and my Dad said "you'll know soon".

Both my close friends loathe him for no obvious reason at first, but now I've told them, neither are actually surprised.

OP posts:
researchers3 · Today 14:16

RicolaCherry · Today 13:49

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

It could be a weird fantasy or he could be the next yorkshire ripper. Either way it's not your thing and youre perfectly entitled to dump him.

Given the lack of sex/arousal even without the other stuff would have most women running for the hills.

All single men these days (the ones ive encountered and heard about through friends too) seem to have creepy weird fetishes/kinks.

I just cba anymore!

TheThingOnTheIce · Today 14:16

Ewwww

Teainapinkcup · Today 14:17

RicolaCherry · Today 13:49

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

get rid of him immediately. Do it from a far not to his face one to one alone...what if he turns violent at the "dumping"

Meadowfinch · Today 14:18

No, that's not normal by any stretch of the imagination. It's horrible. Well done for ending it. Block him and check your domestic security just in case he's now looking forward to punishing you.

twatwrangler · Today 14:19

Good for you.

I find being told ‘it isn’t what you think’ generally means that it is what you think.

toiletpaperthief · Today 14:20

You have a very unhappy road ahead of you with this man OP (unless a sexless life with a man who secretly wanks to tortured prostitutes appeals to you). It sounds very grim.

I would politely throw this one to the river asap, life is too short for putting up with this nonsense. This man has some serious sex issues.

Thecliches · Today 14:20

I only need to read the title

if you are stating a thread with this title - finish it no matter whether he’s a sadist or not!

Teainapinkcup · Today 14:20

Teainapinkcup · Today 14:17

get rid of him immediately. Do it from a far not to his face one to one alone...what if he turns violent at the "dumping"

Show quote history

sorry I see you got rid, well done! Keep rid and avoid him at all costs.

Waitingfordoggo · Today 14:21

Well done, I think you’ve made absolutely the right decision- so many red flags. At the very least, a normal, fulfilling sex life would not be a possibility with this man, and at the worst, he could be outright dangerous.

Koriko · Today 14:24

Good call OP. Man's a weirdo.

thisismeithinkorisit · Today 14:24

Teainapinkcup · Today 14:17

get rid of him immediately. Do it from a far not to his face one to one alone...what if he turns violent at the "dumping"

Show quote history

did you get bored of reading? last line. she DID dump him. He was upset. he's still dumped

Sodthesystem · Today 14:25

I can’t believe you tried to get intimate with him again after seeing that in his phone.

I have a feeling your parents and friends aren’t intuitive, they are just picking up on other very obvious red flags that you for some reason were missing.

Still, better late getting away from him than never.

toiletpaperthief · Today 14:26

You may have avoided marriage to Ted Bundy. Usually when your friends and family don't like the guy and think "there's something off" that usually means there's something VERY off. Always listen to the people who love you.

Paganpentacle · Today 14:36

He clearly isnt aroused by anything other than humiliation and degradation of women during sex.
get out now.

Topseyt123 · Today 14:36

You don't need to put up with this or accept it at all, as you know because I see you have dumped him.

Very wise. Make sure he stays dumped and doesn't try to worm his way back in. Block him on everything - phone, email, all social media, WhatsApp etc. Make it as difficult as possible for him to contact you.

Original poster
RicolaCherry · Today 14:37

He says it's "just fantasy" and "he loves women and would never hurt anyone".

OP posts:
Mossyfox · Today 14:38

He's a creepy weirdo of the first degree. Why do you even need to ask.

Original poster
RicolaCherry · Today 14:38

Topseyt123 · Today 14:36

You don't need to put up with this or accept it at all, as you know because I see you have dumped him.

Very wise. Make sure he stays dumped and doesn't try to worm his way back in. Block him on everything - phone, email, all social media, WhatsApp etc. Make it as difficult as possible for him to contact you.

He's blocked everywhere. Did it pretty much straight away.

Not buying his bullshit. I think he's a very sick person and a good reason why he was single AND nobody in my life liked him.

OP posts:
Comedycook · Today 14:39

Why are you even trying to analyse this weirdo?