Is new boyfriend a sadist?

[RicolaCherry]

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

I would not describe enjoying watching images of women being degraded or hurt as an ' interest'.

We should stop normalising men liking the thought of women being humiliated or hurt by men.

No-one would say ' My BF has an interest in wanking off to images of black people being enslaved, whipped and humiliated by white people'.

We rightly don't normalise that, and we should stop normalising it when its done to women.

Seems like a wonderful boyfriend abit of fantasy is good. Anyone can have them as long as not acting them out with someone without their permission

I wasn't 'gone' till 29 and I am brilliant. A complete catch. 😁

Tbf that’s quite an easy line to miss given the horror of the rest of the post. Given that the op stayed long enough to discuss what she found, it’s not inconceivable she didn’t break up with him after. There are so many horrendous stories on here where the woman seems hell bent on staying no matter what. Thank god the op had enough sense.

He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

He'd have got a dump from me for saying that whatever he was talking about. You decide what you accept, not some man.

Well at least you ended it and he could be into BDSM but hes probably addicted to pornography which is why he doesnt want sex and cant get an errection but whatever you dont need that

I didn't say what his specific "interests" are, did I?
Either way, I'm sure we can all agree that anyone who can only find enjoyment in extremes should be avoided. The OP's guy couldn't even get an erection without the use of porn...that's extreme.

Women being humiliated and hurt for entertainment is not a 'bit of fantasy' nor does he sound like a wonderful boyfriend. I'm sincerely hoping this is a lame attempt at sarcasm/humour.

100% true and he will be mastburnating a lot daily yuk

Ive not read all the thread but you do know as of today the UK law makes it ilegal to have this sort of porn and he could end up in prison and on the sex offenders register?

Loathe is a strong word so it's interesting they felt so strongly baes on instinct. Good job ending it so quickly.

People aren't rushing to get married at that age, nothing wrong with exchanging numbers with someone in the pub. A phone number isn't a big deal, you can delete and block them.

OP maybe he doesn't want to act out his fantasies, besides that he's not much fun in bed, also friends and family don't like him.

Good for you meeting people in real life. Shows you're confident and who you say you are, the same for him too.

Nothing wrong with having a fetish but yours aren't compatible.

A porn addiction and no action in bed isn't a dream partner. Onwards and upwards.

He's binged so much on sadistic material that a real women and real and affectionate sexual intercourse now doesnt cut it for him. He has a serious problem. And because you're dating so do you, until you dump him tbh!

It's a textbook case, he needs to wise up to the fact.

Flee. I call bollocks on the ED issue. I bet he gets a stiffy watching women humiliated and beaten. Don't let that be you.

Well God bless your dad for spotting something was up.
And your friends. We can give advice but their opinions matter more.
You don’t have to accept it and he knows it grim otherwise he would have told you.
So many people out there - not just men but it seems to really get to them - watching this extreme stuff and then nothing works in real life.
And always remember a large proportion - I would say most - of the people in those videos aren’t there by career choice. They will be abuse victims, trafficking victims, and bring degraded like that with no agenda destroys their lives. If your ex is okay with that, vile.

You said similar interests. Similar interests to a man who enjoys watching women being humiliated and hurt. I doubt you meant your BF gets intellectual satisfaction from watching documentaries about the suffrage movement.

Well done for cutting him loose.
He sounds like a very weird, possibly dangerous individual.
I find it wholly unbelievable that a man that is consumed by watching violence upon women, will not at some point be opportunistic in trying out a fantasy.