Dating red flags, struggling with new partner

[TravelMoose]

I've met a new lady and we get on so so well. I'm really falling for her. But there have been a few issues that I'm struggling with.

1. When we met she didn't reveal to me the guy she was hanging around with was her ex boyfriend. Which pissed me off although I had figured it out.

2. She's going through a messy divorce and has 2 kids that seem to dislike her.

3. She's going to share a house with her ex husband as they alternate living with the kids which I think is a weird set up at best. The kids stay in the family home and the parents will kinda swap in and out weekly..

4. She's got this guy she has as a friend they screwed a "long time ago" but still sees her from time to time..

I can't help but think this is all too much baggage. It's killing me softly already..am I being too sensitive?

No. Walk, in fact run

Waaaay too many red flags. Just leave it.

Fuck that

For heaven’s sake, OP, get your head together. Don’t date people in the middle of messy divorces, apart from anything else, regardless of their living arrangements.

What a mess. Rn before you get deeper in

1. She's got this guy she has as a friend they screwed a "long time ago" but still sees her from time to time..

A 'long time ago.' Right, of course it was.

Have you talked to her about all of this?

Re point 3. ‘Nesting’ is fairly common, and many find the best way for the children as they then don’t ever have to move. Not a red flag on itself. It may not be your cup of tea, but it’s not a red flag

Yeah I told her my limits and boundaries, especially around ex's and she didn't take it well. She seems to be a bit loosie goosie with boundaries.

The last 2 days her communication has dropped off, in fact yesterday was the first day we haven't called / video called in 3 months.

Your boundaries are your own. If she doesn’t accept them, you must walk away. She will be as loosey-goosey as you permit her to be.

This. Learned this the hard way with my last ex and his female ‘best friend’ . If you don’t like it, walk away

Right. I'm so disappointed with her, I'm sad about it as I'm falling for her and we get along crazy good. But her chaos is killing my calm and destroying my sleep. I just can't live with it.

Exactly how felt and it hurt and still does but he was making a fool of me and I keep having to remind myself I felt just as shit when we were together as I do now but at least I’m out of the circus

Anyone, men or women who keep people they have slept with around in their life tend to heavily rely on external validation. You’re clearly one of many, I would walk away.

I think I'd feel the same, she said she goes scuba diving with this guy all over the place. Not sure that's in my comfort zone and would make me feel like a fool.

Sorry you went through that, your word have given me some encouragement to stop this before it goes on further.

I have have told her I won't accept that relationship. But not sure she's listening to me.

Well in my case I have reason to think this woman who was old enough to be his mother was actually his dominatrix . I doubt yours is a batshit as that but it doesn’t sound very healthy

You had me at ‘struggling with NEW partner’

It shouldn’t be hard work or a struggle if you have a new partner. It’s the honeymoon phase where you are just getting to know each other. If you have things that don’t work and you see as a struggle then it isn’t worth it.

Im all for working through issues when you are married or have kids, or have been together for a very long time, but not when it is a new relationship. If a person isn’t making your life more enjoyable then don’t be with them, if there are red flags, don’t ignore them.

Why do you call her a ‘partner’ - she clearly isn’t. A partner is someone you share all aspects of your life with. Just take things slowly!

Oh wait!

You’ve just lost me on ‘I have have told her I won't accept that relationship. But not sure she's listening to me.’

You don’t get to dictate her relationships. You either accept it or you find someone else.

I'm not sure what else to call it to be honest, it doesn't really feel very partner like right now though..

I don’t really understand how you can have a ‘new partner’ at all? It makes it sound like you skipped the go on some dates > become girlfriend/boyfriend > eventually move in together stages. It sounds very full on and smothering to me.

Totally agree, it's my boundary, not hers.

Yes we have been dating plenty, we traveled a little. So yes I'd say we have been dating.

Well, if you are just dating you can’t insist that she changes her whole life. You either can’t keep seeing you or you don’t. You’ve told her you don’t like it so it’s up to her what she does with that knowledge.

And yet you thought it appropriate to tell her you wouldn’t accept the relationship? And that she doesn’t appear to be listening to you?

It doesn’t seem you do agree really…your actions and words to her tell a very different story

Someone's kids not liking them says everything you need to know about their character.
Kids are hard wired to love the shittest of parents, until they're adults and know better.

Don't date married women, or women who aren't long divorced, or anyone who isn't fun to date. What's the point?