Can't look at partner the same

[ByLimeHelper]

I feel like I am going crazy.
My partner and my teenage son have never had the perfect relationship but for the most part have been civil until recently.
My son and I were having a disagreement which I was handling. My partner felt the need to take over mid disagreement and start shouting verbal abuse at my son and threatened to knock him out, to say I was in disbelief was an understatement.

My son walked away and I was left in utter shock, I had no words and my partners reaction to me was to say "guess I am the bad guy now" my partner was raging blaming my son for talking to him like sh*t and blaming my lack of parenting for the way my son speaks to him.
I couldnt be in the same room as my partner for 3 days trying to process what had happened and was I to blame?
He still to this day will not take responsibility for his actions he blames my son for the way he spoke to him and my apparent lack of parenting.
This isnt the first time they have argued but this is the first time violence was threatened.
Would this be a deal breaker for you? I honestly want him to leave but after his outburst I am scared of his reaction if I ask him to leave. We share very young children together also.

Ask him to leave.

17

And ‘mostly civil’ seemed good enough to you to move in this man with your son and have children with him?

How can you be with a man who rejects your child.

Yes this would be a deal breaker for me. Your son will remember how you let your partner treat him and that you didn't stand up for him. How do you think that will effect your relationship with your son long term?

They had a good relationship until we moved in together. The last 2 years it has deterioriated

Then split.... Put your son first. I would never ever allow someone to speak to my son or daughter like that and then let them remain in the same home and bed as me? No.

Your son will remember this and will blame you as he gets older.

Your son is viewed as a cuckoo in the nest by your partner. He's a threat to his male dominance in your household. And he's another man's child. It's classic. That's why you had a good relationship before he moved in. You need to prioritise your son and get this man out. Otherwise you will destroy the relationship you have with your son. No man is worth that.

DP's position as no 1 male is under threat from a boy becoming a man, that's why.

Ask him to leave

As ever, first post nails it. I'd change that to tell him to leave.

Get him out.

My son and I were having a disagreement which I was handling. My partner felt the need to take over mid disagreement and start shouting verbal abuse at my son and threatened to knock him out

You say the relationship has been deteriorating since he moved in and now you are scared of his reaction if you ask him to leave. That sounds to me like you want him to leave and you know that threatening your son with violence was a terrible thing to do and a sign that his anger is escalating.

You need help and support with this.
What's your housing situation? Does he have family he could go to? Can you call a local support organisation for advice on how to extract him safely.
In the meantime, have you spoken to your son to reassure him... he's 17 but still just a boy in many ways. Even if you don't know what you want to do.. reseach your options, don't just think its all impossible, and then you will be in a better place to make your decision. But if anyone spoke to my son like that on top of a relationship which has been deteriorating and interfered in a situation I was managing.. I'd be telling them to hop it. Because its not just your son he's turning on. Its you. what's his next reaction?

I honestly want him to leave but after his outburst I am scared of his reaction if I ask him to leave.

Is there another man who can be with you when you tell DP to leave? A relative or friend or neighbour?
If you genuinely fear for your physical safety, phone the police and ask them for help.

Who owns the property?

Yep an absolute dealbreaker - he needs to go! how dare he!! prioritise your son especially as the relationship continues to deteriorate.

This!

How about telling us exactly how your son spoke to you. What were his exact words?
I’m willing to bet money your son walks all over you and talks to you like shit, and you let him. Your partner sees this day in day out and has had enough.

My partner and my teenage son have never had the perfect relationship but for the most part have been civil until recently.

This should never have got as far as it has.
.
One thing I paid very close attention to when I was dating my partner was how he interacted with, related to and spoke about my children.

I agree with others that 'for the most part... civil' would not have been a relationship i brought into children's home.

My partner felt the need to take over mid disagreement and start shouting verbal abuse at my son and threatened to knock him out

And this is the point where you acknowledge you made a huge mistake in ignoring the early warning signs and kick him out.

This would be unacceptable from his dad but from some bloke who is no one to him? Prioritise your child.

You have a 17 year old son who is currently learning about men, and what women should accept in a relationship and familial relationships from this situation. What do you think he is learning?

He threatened violence towards your son end of story and it should absolutely be the end of your relationship.

And what would happen if you weren't living with your DP? you could argue all you want with your son without some fucking man barging in on the discussion.

My dad struggled with my mum because she let her family, including her ex-husband and her own mother, walk all over her, disrespect her etc and made him out to be the bad guy when he tried to open her eyes to their behaviour. They have been married for almost 50 years now but they wouldn't have been had she kept taking the side of those who were really the abusers.

Like a pp said, maybe your DH is tired of being treated badly and watching you accept bad treatment and has decided he will stop it coming his way even if you accept it for you.

I don't know exactly what happened but I've been around young boys/men and they aren't innocent angels. They know how to push buttons to manipulate and some men just won't tolerate it. Believe it or not, that is actually a good lesson for your son to learn because some men won't show intolerance and stop with words.

Could be totally wrong but your post doesn't go into detail about what happened so offering devils advocate view to consider in the event any of it is relevant.

You can choose this man or you can choose your son but you are making a choice. doing nothing is making a choice and your son will see it.

He threatened violence - why is this acceptable just because the person he threatened is a teenager. There is never an excuse to threaten to knock someone out even if you are having a verbal argument with them.

you might find your relationship with your son is a lot easier once he is out of your lives.