Can't look at partner the same

[ByLimeHelper]

I feel like I am going crazy.
My partner and my teenage son have never had the perfect relationship but for the most part have been civil until recently.
My son and I were having a disagreement which I was handling. My partner felt the need to take over mid disagreement and start shouting verbal abuse at my son and threatened to knock him out, to say I was in disbelief was an understatement.

My son walked away and I was left in utter shock, I had no words and my partners reaction to me was to say "guess I am the bad guy now" my partner was raging blaming my son for talking to him like sh*t and blaming my lack of parenting for the way my son speaks to him.
I couldnt be in the same room as my partner for 3 days trying to process what had happened and was I to blame?
He still to this day will not take responsibility for his actions he blames my son for the way he spoke to him and my apparent lack of parenting.
This isnt the first time they have argued but this is the first time violence was threatened.
Would this be a deal breaker for you? I honestly want him to leave but after his outburst I am scared of his reaction if I ask him to leave. We share very young children together also.

Of course it woukd be a deal breaker!

Well first of all your partner sounds awful and I would make plans to leave.

But secondly, what did you expect would happen moving a man in with a teenage boy when the best you can say about their relationship is ‘civil for the most part’? You didn’t put your son first there, you put your own happiness first and this is the consequence. I’m sorry that is harsh but I see SO many threads like this on mumsnet and I just really feel for the kids who’ve been made to live with someone they don’t want to live with.

Oh dear, it's a LOT more complicated since you have children together.

But please don't choose this man over your oldest child.

Your partner has absolutely shown his true colours. He thinks he's the boss of you (stepping in when you were handling the argument) and abusing your teenage son verbally and threatening violence. And manipulating you with the 'now im the bad guy' approach.

Sounds like your son was a decent judge of character all along. It must have been miserable for him, living with a man he disliked. It was his home as much as yours. I think if you choose this abusive bully over him this time, you can expect to lose him.

You need to protect your children and teach them that your threats of violence are not acceptable.

It sounds like you've made your mind up OP so just end the relationship. Why are you scared? Have there been other incidents?
I think the PP had a valid question asking what actually happened. I think someone could be forgiven for losing it once with a 17 year old who was being disrespectful. I'm not sure it is a teenager being a teenager, at 17 I'd expect them to accept no the first time, not be getting into disagreements.

What's your gut feeling, OP?

If I could wave a magic wand and change anything, what would it be? What do you want your life to look like?

(Obviously, within the realms of possibility. Turning back time so your ex didnt threaten your son isn't an option because that has happened).

Wow, some women do set the bar low 🙄. Anyone threatens my son with violence would be the last time they ever stayed in my house.

fgs @Beeburt can't you go find a puppy or kitten to bully?

There is absolutely no need for such a really bitchy comment towards a woman who's going to have to make major changes and whose very young children are going to end up with divorced parents or her teenage son is going to be left essentially parentless.

She's in an awful situation and she's wise enough to know that her partner's behaviour and comments are absolutely appalling. Unlike some women. She needs support, not Mean Girl comments like yours.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate that. Threatening violence is a deal breaker. Their relationship will only get worse.
Your DP is not only being awful to
your ds but hugely disrespectful to you and demonstrating to your ds that they are both more powerful than you.
Your ds, even with tricky teenage behaviour, is more important and teenagers are actually quite vulnerable to feeling they are not wanted.

A man calling my child a cunt and a prick and threatening to knock him out? And you’re asking if it’s a deal breaker? Fuck me. Have some standards!!! Choose your child over a violent man for the love of god.

The second I knew my child was not happy living with a man I brought in to my child’s home, he’d be gone.

Maybe take some of this anger to your partner instead of other posters.

You need to kick him out.

None of these posts clarify exactly which one the OP should be asking to leave!

Seriously?

Who do you think she should be asking to leave?

If no one has genuinely specified which man, then it's because everyone else thinks its obvious.

(Clue - it's not her son).

Who do you think?

That may be the situation, but that does not excuse a grown man threatening to hit a 17-year-old boy, especially in his own home.

@ByLimeHelper what is your housing situation?

How old are your younger children?

It's basic reading comprehension and common sense.

Sorry, just seen this. Can you afford it by yourself? Would you be able to manage the younger children by yourself? If not out how you would do both those things and then tell him to leave.

if you are genuinely scared of him, you should tell him to leave anyway, but have other adults in your home at the time whether that's friends, family or the police.

TELL him to leave!!!!

If he refuses to leave tell him then he can discuss his behaviour with the police

And MEAN it!! PROTECT your children!!!!