Can't look at partner the same

[ByLimeHelper]

I feel like I am going crazy.
My partner and my teenage son have never had the perfect relationship but for the most part have been civil until recently.
My son and I were having a disagreement which I was handling. My partner felt the need to take over mid disagreement and start shouting verbal abuse at my son and threatened to knock him out, to say I was in disbelief was an understatement.

My son walked away and I was left in utter shock, I had no words and my partners reaction to me was to say "guess I am the bad guy now" my partner was raging blaming my son for talking to him like sh*t and blaming my lack of parenting for the way my son speaks to him.
I couldnt be in the same room as my partner for 3 days trying to process what had happened and was I to blame?
He still to this day will not take responsibility for his actions he blames my son for the way he spoke to him and my apparent lack of parenting.
This isnt the first time they have argued but this is the first time violence was threatened.
Would this be a deal breaker for you? I honestly want him to leave but after his outburst I am scared of his reaction if I ask him to leave. We share very young children together also.

So that makes it okay to call my son a cut and a prik and threaten violence? Don't think so.
He was a teenager being a teenager not getting his own way, my son didnt swear at me he was unhappy being told no we was simply having a disagreement which my partner should of stayed out of.
He said to my partner "who are you" and my partner did not like that.

He called your son those names? End of the relationship.

What is your housing situation? Can you ask him to leave? Do you have real life support?

If your son wasn’t being abusive towards you and it was just a disagreement then your partner needs to go, the only time I would understand that kind of reaction and level of aggression (although it’s not right) would be if your son was way way way out of line to the point where your partner felt he needed to step in.

And that justifies him threatening physical violence, does it?
A decent man would remove himself from the situation, seek professional help and insist on moving out if he was so annoyed he felt violent towards another person. Clearly you've come from an environment where physical violence has been normalised, I grew up in one, its not right.

Believe it or not, that is actually a good lesson for your son to learn because some men won't show intolerance and stop with words.

What lesson is the son going to learn from the partner jumping into the argument, shouting verbal abuse and threatening to knock him out, just out of interest?

1. that violence is OK as a means of ending an argument
2. that he can't have an argument with his DM without this bloke jumping in

Any more?

Absolutely a deal breaker. That's appalling. I'm well versed in the "oh, so now it's all my fault, I'm the bad guy" shit. Show all your children that basic respect is the absolute minimum. Don't allow this prick to intimidate your older son into a two tier system with him way lower in importance than the younger ones. Ugh.

I dont think what your son actually said could ever make threatening violence ok.
But what your son said to you may be relevant in understanding ,if your 17 yr old threatened you with violence for example,the threat may land differently to some. I still think the adult should not respond as he did though.

Sorry, ask him?
Boot him the F out, whichever way.
As one poster here says, let's not have the bar this low, regarding violent adult males.

So he was 15 when your DP moved in. This would be very challenging for your son probably in the throes of puberty and working out who he is. Having a hostile adult around will be awful for him.

'I feel like I am going crazy.'

Well, you are if this man was anywhere near you or your son 1 second after he started on your son.

He'd have already been out the door that night. Why are you putting up with this? Your ds comes first. And yes, as he said himself, he in the wrong and he knows it.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

That was a mistake and you've allowed it to continue. In many cases, there's a competition and control and dominance dynamic with live in men and their partner's teen sons.

Partner needs to move out. He threatened your son. That's a relationship ender if there ever was one.

If he doesn't leave, your son will and that relationship has already been damaged by you moving in a dude that doesn't get along with him.

What’s your financial/housing situation?

The man is angry and threatening violence. Your sort of rhetoric could get someone killed. Step 1, ask him to leave. Step 2 if he doesn’t seek advice from women’s aide.

Well yes he is the bad guy and yes he needs to leave.

It’s depressing that you’ve spent days searching for any shred of culpability within yourself, rather than acting on the blatant evidence in front of you.

Bloody hell. why is that POS still in your house? Of course he was fine until he moved in but the minute he did he thought he was cock of the walk, big man of the house. He was always going to show his masculine superiority to your teenage son. What a twunt.
The minute he threatened to "knock" your son out was the moment you should have thrown him out. Get your locks changed and all your passwords changed and put then vile bastard out.

Is the house in your nameOP?

If he stays, as far as your son is concerned you are agreeing that "D"P is in the right. Fuck him off, asap. If you need to get your ducks in a row first, at the very least go talk to your son and make sure he knows you have his back.

Well he's calling your son vile names and threatening violence, and you're afraid to ask him to leave. So I'm guessing this has been brewing for a while.
Anyone you can call to be on hand when you tell him to go?
Assuming it's your house and he had no claim on it, you can pack up his stuff and change the locks when he's out, and call the police if he kicks off, but that's not going to calm him down.

Its a private rental joint tenancy

He needs to leave OP.

Your poor son.

This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. No adult should ever threaten violence in a disagreement, especially with a child. Disgusting behaviour.

100% a deal breaker.

It would be a deal breaker for me, OP. And especially since you are now scared of him.

You can't stay in this relationship. He showed his true colours. This is where he's prepared to go and that will always be in the back of your mind (and your DS's).

What's your living situation? Is it your house/lease in your name? Or joint? Can you afford it on your own?

You're scared of asking him to leave and I can see why, but you need to find a way out of this. Do you have family who could help you? Either with somewhere to stay or with big blokes who can come stay while you ask him to leave? What are your friends like?

If you're pretty much on your own, try calling Women's Aid, they can be brilliant, though it seems good coverage is area dependent. If not your local council may be able to signpost you to another service that can help or if you're prepared to give your general area, someone on here may be able to help.