AIBU to be offended by DH’s comment?

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I work in professional services - think accountancy/finance/financial services. I’m 10 years qualified. I was FT until we had DS and then I returned 3 days a week. When I left for mat leave I was earning £40k pa. I was able to secure a job at a new firm for my return to work with a starting FT salary of £50k, but obviously pro rata’d. I’ve had pay rises since so my gross FT salary is now £55k. On my 3 day week this means a salary of £34k. I think this trajectory is pretty good.

There’s been an ongoing issue around DH wanting me to increase my hours. However, my job is stressful and it doesn’t just “stop” on my days off. It’s not unusual for me to put in some extra hours. This was also true when I was working FT.

Financially we don’t “need” me to earn more. We are comfortable, with decent savings. I also do absolutely everything for DS - all the mental load. I have been suffering from some peri anxiety etc, and I honestly don’t think I would manage to increase my workload at the moment.

To the comment - DH said to me that I’m “practically on minimum wage”. I was really offended by that comment. I think it’s also insulting to people who work really hard on minimum wage, who I’m sure would love to be earning £7k extra a year on 2 days less work.

I’m a professional. I’ve worked hard in a hard industry. I feel he absolutely dismissed me in that comment. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself particularly well, but AIBU to be offended by this comment?

Tbh I would be offended by DHs comment. You’ve worked hard to move up in the industry you have whilst having kids. Also if you take on more work it might make your quality of life worse with your anxiety.

My only thing I would check is that your DH feels as comfortable financially as you (as he sounds like he’s keen to earn more).

Have you written him a list of what would be his 50% of parenting and household management he would have to take on? I expect he wants you to earn more without him stepping up and taking on 50% of everything including the mental load & responsibility.

Money is a source of anxiety for DH, but it’s irrational and that’s what I then struggle with. We have a small mortgage, relatively low outgoings and £60k in the bank. He told me off yesterday for buying a bag for life at the supermarket, and he hasn’t let us turn on the heating yet.

I agree with this. I would bet my life that he wants you to continue doing everything child related while working full time.

I’ve tried to have this conversation with him about this but we keep going round in circles. I say we need to start sharing the load before I increase my hours, and he says he can’t chip in more until I do. He currently does a couple of overtime shifts a week - between an extra 4 and 6 hours, and says he’d have to reduce those first.

@NestofVapersthats exactly what I’m worried about. I think from DH’s perspective, the only change for him will be a bit more money in the kitty at the end of the month. I think if he wanted to help more with DS (bedtimes, bath, clubs etc) he’d be doing it already.

It’s sounds more like a source of control than a source of anxiety… not allowed to turn on the heating in your own home? Made to feel bad about buying a bag for life? Made to feel bad for not earning ‘enough’? That’s control.

I think you can only have a SAHP or part time worker if both parties agree, if someone doesn't want to be the breadwinner they shouldn't be forced to. He's clearly not happy with the financial responsibility and you can't afford it if he's working full time plus overtime while you work part time.

My ex used his anxiety over money to control me - and funnily enough, yes do all the work for the kids as well as bring in a decent wage.

He'd make little comments on the cost of things to make me think he was more anxious than he was about his job/our financial state (which was good) - and yet spend money like water when he 'needed cheering up'

You need to stop over-prioritising his anxieties - you have your own issues.

And turn the bloody heating on when it's cold. When I think of all the things I used to put myself through to save money, and then he'd go out and buy a new laptop he didn't even need it makes me angry, even after 5 years free.

He's clearly not happy with the financial responsibility and you can't afford it if he's working full time plus overtime while you work part time

did you read the op with your eyes shut?

If the objection is to him simply referencing that 32k is close to minimum wage, then yes you are being unreasonable.

The fact that UK salaries have been stagnant for decades is not a subjective value judgement - it is a sad yet objective truth. Combine this to the fact that minimum wage has been raised to a level where people can begin to cover basic daily expenses and yes your pro rata earnings are in line with a new graduate's starting salary at 1.0 FTE.

Whether or not your husband is cognisant of or willing to take on the extra parenting load resulting from you returning to full time work is another matter entirely.

On a side note, I would highlight to you that if you are doing 4 or 5 days work for 3 days salary, you have structured your employment contract very poorly. It would be far better to be contracted for 5 days and have some bleed over in the evenings. This is the path that I recommend for you.

OK, but she's not happy with the split of household and childcare - you can't expect one person to do all the childcare without both parties agreeing either.

She's clearly not happy with the domestic responsibility, and and she can't do more than the part-time role whilst covering it all alone.

I earn between 40-50% of our combined income, and we’re able to save each month. His decision to do overtime is largely his choice.

’Not allowed’ to put the heating on? Fuck that shit. I’d be knocking that one on the head right away. Who made him king of the world 🙄

Incredibly insulting remark and combined with his lack of involvement at home and with your child gives an extremely negative impression of him.

I wonder what redeeming qualities he does have that you agreed to marry and have a child with him? He obviously had some and I can only imagine that this must be a change in personality, perhaps due to stress. Not 'allowing' you to put the heating on yet is ridiculous. You have a child in the home and decisions should be discussed. This is very controlling behavior.

I would be concerned that he was developing some kind of obsession with money but that doesn't explain why he can't share the household and childcare stuff with you. I wonder how involved he actually is with his son.

'I have been suffering from some peri anxiety etc.' I would bet that's probably husband anxiety.

So he’s controlling and expects you to be the domestic slave as well as bringing home the bacon. I’d be having a divorce level conversation with him and laying down some boundaries for the future. Jeez, not being ‘allowed’ to put the heating on in your own home…. What a prick.

Why don't you both go part-time OP?

This should work as long as he shares the parenting load.

Ultimately he won't feel so stressed about being the main earner.

This is fine as long as that partner is also prepared to do 50% of the housework, mental load and childcare - in my experience, few men actually do that!

If he is stressed about money, try taking him seriously. Sit down and do a real budget of income and outgoings. Try and see why he is worried. If it is in black and white he might see that you don't NEED more income.
But I would also not like his comment and to be fair I would have told him to bugger off and earn money himself.

Come on ,you go back to work full time and you will still be doing everything.He sounds like a control freak (can’t have the heating on).Did you not discuss all this before you had the baby?

I think you have to step back from any offense caused/felt and focus on what working part-time means for you, your professional trajectory and your financial security and independence. One cannot and should not assume that relationships are forever or that if you do separate you will both be financially fine. If I were you, I would work full time, and focus on getting him to do his fair share at home.

I agree if both work full time both need to pull their weight at home, DH and I both condense 5 in 4 for childcare, and split school runs equally, he does a lot of the day to day housework and probably more than half of the laundry, I do all of the finances, organisational stuff, most of the dinner cooking although DH does once or twice a week, breakfasts every day and some of the packed lunches and I do what I call the bigger jobs, eg today I've taken off all the summer duvets taken them to the launderette washed and dried, vacuum bagged and packed away, remade beds, and I'm now cleaning the windows. Last week I took all of the glass lights down and cleaned them (kitchen, hall and bathroom), I also buy all of DS' clothes shoes etc (from joint funds) and anything needed for the house including trades (DH calls me the procurement department) we both decorate and do the garden. I tend to book holidays but that's because I like to and DH does not care where we go he will have a good time anywhere and won't notice if the hotel is 5star or a hostel

He’s controlling OP. Go turn your heating on, can’t you see what a massive issue this is?

His view is very short term. Has he not considered your lifetime earnings, pension contributions, opportunity to scale back up your days, go for internal promotions, jump to a bigger job …? And your sense of value and worth, if professional recognition is important to you (and it sounds like it is, which it would be to me too.)

Suggest you both do 4 days a week and split all the childcare and housework right down the middle. In fact maybe he should do more childcare as then you'd be earning more than him by the sound of it.