AIBU to be offended by DH’s comment?

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I work in professional services - think accountancy/finance/financial services. I’m 10 years qualified. I was FT until we had DS and then I returned 3 days a week. When I left for mat leave I was earning £40k pa. I was able to secure a job at a new firm for my return to work with a starting FT salary of £50k, but obviously pro rata’d. I’ve had pay rises since so my gross FT salary is now £55k. On my 3 day week this means a salary of £34k. I think this trajectory is pretty good.

There’s been an ongoing issue around DH wanting me to increase my hours. However, my job is stressful and it doesn’t just “stop” on my days off. It’s not unusual for me to put in some extra hours. This was also true when I was working FT.

Financially we don’t “need” me to earn more. We are comfortable, with decent savings. I also do absolutely everything for DS - all the mental load. I have been suffering from some peri anxiety etc, and I honestly don’t think I would manage to increase my workload at the moment.

To the comment - DH said to me that I’m “practically on minimum wage”. I was really offended by that comment. I think it’s also insulting to people who work really hard on minimum wage, who I’m sure would love to be earning £7k extra a year on 2 days less work.

I’m a professional. I’ve worked hard in a hard industry. I feel he absolutely dismissed me in that comment. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself particularly well, but AIBU to be offended by this comment?

You are awesome.

he is a complete cunt.

that is the problem and I have no idea why you stay with him.

You need to make sure you are fairly compensated for what work you do by reducing your workload to match your earnings.

Have you and your DH ever discussed what kind of lifestyle you would both like and agreed on it?

I ask that because what is important to you might not be important to your DH (and vice versa). You are not realising your earning potential, and if he values having a lot of surplus money, more holidays etc then I can see why that would be a point of frustration for him, if he is realising his potential earnings.

I also work part time, and I work in the public sector. I could more than double my earnings if I went full time and moved into the private sector. However, DH and I are both in agreement that me being home more and available to our young children is more important than vast wealth at the moment, so long as we are financially comfortable and can afford a couple of holidays a year.

He also understands that if I was to increase to full time and move to a private firm, his obligations around the home would change significantly.

Wait a minute op. So you out earn him by the hour, do all the childcare, he controls when you have the heating on in your own house and has the audacity to suggest you work more. Come the fuck on op. How dare he?!? You are far far too passive about this. There is no way on earth I would tolerate a ‘relationship’ like this, mostly because of the utterly terrible message it would give my children about inequality between males and females.

I would write out a list of all the jobs in the home, how long they take and who does what. Then highlight the ones that he would need to pick up if you were to go full time to even things out. Explain that you going full time is only going to work if he does pick them up and say that you are not prepared to entertain any more conversations until you have had a 3 month trial period of him doing the extra so you can see it will work. When he objects point out that your picking up extra hours is not something that can be undone when it has happened whereas his reneging on the extra chores is something that can be tackled before you go ft. Say that the alternative (and which will happen if you go ft and he then backs out) is to have a cleaner that he will be paying for....

So you almost earn the same amount but he wants you to increase your hours when the only reason you’ve gone part time is so you can be there for your children? He can piss off 😂

So he earns less per hour than you do?
Maybe that's quite emasculating for him and he subconsciously resents that situation and wants to punish you by making you work full time.

Either way, he sounds like an arse.

I work in the same area and went PT (16 hrs) with small DC and my DH called it ‘my little job’ 😡. I was earning the same as him FT salary wise.

I ended up increasing my hours and then to FT over a few years and now he’s my Ex.

Don’t put up with his condescending bullshit and put the heating on!

I’d suggest you simply keep repeating that you will not up hours until he demonstrates he is taking more of the load in the house.

just keep saying it like a broken record.

I guarantee that you've been a boiled frog on this - you don't even know how bad it's got because it's been creeping up on you slowly.

Even now, sometimes I'll be talking to friends and mention something my ex did that was completely normal to us, and they'll be absolutely scandalised at the audacity of him.

He sounds like a total dickhead. No wonder you feel anxious, living with an arsehole like him.

I don't know how you can get the message through to him, but I hope you start standing up for yourself.

Hang on, if you earn about 50 percent of the joint income, it means he earns the same as you do but for five days v your three and he wants you to earn more and thinks you earn close to min wage, when he pro rated earns less?

I would call him out on this bullshit and say his extra shift isn’t even one extra day of work so he certainly has time to do more with DS and build a more meaningful relationship with him 🤬

I imagine this comment is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him valuing your contribution and respecting you.
You’re right to be offended.

I wouldn't be offended, I'd be bloody furious.

Yoi earn nearly half the household income on three days a week and do all the childcare and domestic load while he works full time?

He sounds jealous, a bit of a twat and borderline financially abusive. Put the heating on FFS - you have a child (my XH pulled this stunt with me...dickhead).

If his anxiety about money comes from a reasonable place then he needs he therapy to address that, and to start pulling his weight at home before anything changes. If he doesn't agree to that, tbh in your shoes I'd be considering my options and seeking legal advice.

If you go back full time it will be beneficial to you LT in terms of pension as it sounds like your DH will continue controlling you then. I would get some quotes for a weekly cleaner, a gardener, an ironing service and weekly food deliveries. They would be my terms for going FT if he continues to be awkward, selfish, lazy and entitled.

But he’s not sharing the parenting.

At the moment he's working full time plus overtime, OP needs to go back to work and he needs to step up, when she's not there he'll have to

I’d just remind him of what your salary would be if you worked full time - more than double living wage from what I can see (Aged 21+ (National Living Wage):

• 37.5 hours a week: ~£24,784.50 per year)

You could also add up what it would cost for you to get a nanny and point that out.

He’s either super anxious and needs help with that, or he is controlling and needs help with that, or for you to set him straight.

edited because I posted half way through a sentence 🥴

lol, that’s embarrassing. The casual misogyny to assume that the husband is the breadwinner without even establishing that first. Which was incorrect.

I agree with this. He might work overtime but perhaps he is fed up working FT. If you have enough money why don’t you both work PT. We can’t continue assuming that women will always be able to choose to work FT. More and more male partners are choosing to childcare and work reduced hours. It’s a win win situation and good work life balance.

Have you read all of my posts or just making sweeping assumptions? He is earning more than she is and is working overtime to do so, he doesn't seem happy about it

So if you worked full time he could take a step back and reduce his hours so he does 3 days a week and then he could take over everything you do and you would be better off financially? You could put this to him but yeah he wants you to be scraping in more money and he has fuck all intention of pitching in.

I’m a SAHM and DH does DD’s showers 60% of the time and does bedtimes everyday except when he’s travelling and he is a BUSY person. He could be more helpful if he felt like it today.

Quite clearly you earn a lot more than minimum wage.
It sounds like he needs to understand the additional tasks he will need to take on if you work an extra day a week. I’d list these out - being the email contact for school for one of your children, half the dental and medical appointments and activity dropoffs, what you’ll need him to do in the way of laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning and childcare. (Or list it all in an Excel and ask him which bits he’ll do?!? Might make him think.)

Have a very fundamental talk about how this is going to look and you might find he changes his tune when he realises how much he benefits from the domestic load you are covering and how much work it will be when he takes on 50 percent.

How old are your kids? Perhaps the extra hours will make more sense in a year or two.

It's a dickish thing to say - but if you're already working extra hours on your time off - why not up your hours and get paid for it!