AIBU to be offended by DH’s comment?

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I work in professional services - think accountancy/finance/financial services. I’m 10 years qualified. I was FT until we had DS and then I returned 3 days a week. When I left for mat leave I was earning £40k pa. I was able to secure a job at a new firm for my return to work with a starting FT salary of £50k, but obviously pro rata’d. I’ve had pay rises since so my gross FT salary is now £55k. On my 3 day week this means a salary of £34k. I think this trajectory is pretty good.

There’s been an ongoing issue around DH wanting me to increase my hours. However, my job is stressful and it doesn’t just “stop” on my days off. It’s not unusual for me to put in some extra hours. This was also true when I was working FT.

Financially we don’t “need” me to earn more. We are comfortable, with decent savings. I also do absolutely everything for DS - all the mental load. I have been suffering from some peri anxiety etc, and I honestly don’t think I would manage to increase my workload at the moment.

To the comment - DH said to me that I’m “practically on minimum wage”. I was really offended by that comment. I think it’s also insulting to people who work really hard on minimum wage, who I’m sure would love to be earning £7k extra a year on 2 days less work.

I’m a professional. I’ve worked hard in a hard industry. I feel he absolutely dismissed me in that comment. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself particularly well, but AIBU to be offended by this comment?

I kind of agree with this. It doesn’t seem fair to have one person doing 3 days a week, and the other full time plus picking up extra shifts.

I know you have said you have savings, but have you had a sit down and plan how you both want life to look? Eg I have a four year old and a two year old. We both work full time or nearly full time as we have certain goals for supporting the children, what lifestyle and security we want them to have, and how we want our lives to look at retirement. I think maybe you need a proper discussion about your goals and to see if you’re pulling together.

But yes, I’d absolutely be turning on the heating in my own house!

Only IF the father is a decent husband and father. Which he very clearly isn’t which was obvious from the opening post. It is very clear that if the op went full time, and bought home double his wage, she would STILL be doing the majority of the home stuff.

@arethereanyleftatall to me, it’s hard to tell, and I have gone back and read it again. He is doing 46-50 hours a week. He has said if she ups her hours, he will drop the overtime and take on half. If you’re physically out of the house for 50 hours (plus maybe commute, I’m not sure if he commutes) it’s much harder to take more of the home stuff on.

100% this. Fuck that and fuck him - how dare he make you and your children live in a cold house.

If you feel you're able to, I'd be reading him the riot act. In an ideal world, you should be able to have an adult conversation with him and agree what works best for you all as a family, but he sounds like a controlling bully.

But you seem to be missing out the childcare in your calculations?!

Yes so if she is working as much as he is, he needs to do half of the childcare

I don’t think it’s hard to tell at all @january1244
clues…

1. ’you’re Practically on minimum wage’ - she earns more per hour than him - so he’s gaslighting her
2. ‘I do absolutely everything for DS’ - what decent father doesn’t want to spend time with their son on a weekend?!
3. ‘he told me off for buying a bag for life and hasn’t let us turn the heating on yet’ - so controlling, arrogant and thinks he’s in charge
4. ‘his decision to do overtime is largely his choice’ - the op has explained they have enough money, so the overtime is to get out of parenting and as a stick to beat the op with

No it's not - it's life as a parent

I'm a single mum (and even when I was in a couple, he travelled/did very little). I work a full time job, have an hour's commute, and still manage to look after my kids and home. Not as much as I'd like since there's only one of me to do everything (housework definitely suffered!), but I did it.

I will say that I nearly burned out doing it all, and so dropped to part time myself much like OP as soon as I could.

There's two parents here. He could do something prep packed lunches in the evenings, sort out the washing, mop the kitchen floor. If he wants her to do more hours at work, he must do more hours at home.

Either parenting is so hard that he can't do it after a day's work, so OP is right to work part time, or it's so easy OP can do it whilst also working full time - in which case, so can he.

@arethereanyleftatallyes that was an arsy comment, but presumably he means overall because she is working three days.

OP hasn’t said he doesn’t do the weekends. Does he? She has said the mental load is all on her.

I think OP and her husband need to sit down and discuss together. Without insults. He obviously is feeling they don’t have enough money, and the cost of living is skyrocketing. She does feel they have enough money. They need to get to the bottom of this

Whenever I see comments like this I just assume they're written by a man pathetically trying to twist the narrative to keep women in their place.

I assumed the same, and think it’s deeply sad that it’s allowed. This is supposed to be a site for mothers supporting other mothers. When you get ops as downtrodden as the op clearly now is, who have lost sight of what is reasonable, they see posts like this and think they need to take on even more work. Despite the fact that hours wise, they are doing what double what their husbands are already.