Just lost my shit with partner

[Mancity08]

I had enough, I just want to be on my own be my own boss

Been together 23 yrs , quite a few ups & downs in that time always very similar things that cause the fall outs
Todays was
i ordered two Roman blinds for kitchen then ones you don’t have to drill (only did that because he’d say I’m not drilling into upvc)
anyway, I can’t get it to click like it says it should to stay tight. Something that should of took 20 mins took well over an hour plus a phone call to company.
I had them out when he came home and he went to help me out them up. He’s like a gently giant !
everything is softly softly or weighing it up longer than necessary and I have to say push it or hit it harder.
Anyway, blinds aside, whilst the steps were out I went to move the spot lights at angles as they were all set in downward position
He turns round and says “they look stupid like that at angles”
I said, “there not meant to be facing down at the floor”
Everything I do in the house he has something to comment on it, don’t know about that colour, I think it looks ok, it doesn’t need it

Another thing last week
Had guy out for flooring , because off quarry tiles down in kitchen we need screeding done.
He now says doesnt want carpet shop to do screeding, what’s professional floor company to do it 😡 I lost it then and told him he can source one, that was last week - nothing done
If I don’t do anything(updating,maintenance) nothing would ever get done round the house.
i spent today going to 3 vinyl shops for flooring otherwise it will just get left like it is. I also looked for kitchen drainer/bin , need a new colour now.
Im running around, whilst he’s not interested or doesn’t even think about finishing a job off in the house. Everything is half finished or something needs fixing and he just ignores it and would spend his day going out for a coffee.

Were both late 60’s /73
That’s all he does when he goes out himself is for a coffee . He’s been sat/sun and today 🤦‍♀️
other than that he goes tennis maybe twice a week A.M then coffee in the afternoon if we’re not going out to the shops together (then I feel obligated to have a coffee)

Im so angry and pissed off
AIBU ?

You don't sound like you like him at all. I don't understand what he did wrong with the blinds? He offered to help and then helped.
You chose a bin in a new colour because you wanted to, not because you needed one and it wasn't working.

Wow thats not worth being angry and pissed off. Also, whats wrong with him going out for coffee and tennis? Sounds like you are in the typical trap of getting irritated with each other because of retirement etc.

For what its worth me and DH always have opposing views on home decor etc but we are still happily married.It doesnt have to cause tension.

You two don't seem to have evolved a system for making decisions in the house. Can you try and create one in which the two of you discuss what is needed and how to make it happen?

He's right not to want to drill into UPVC if it can be avoided as it's not recommended.

Why didn't you drill and attach a baton of wood to the wall above the window instead?

Gingerbreadseasoniscoming
I don’t like him when he’s like this , no

He didn’t listen when I said “ push them in harder” and I had to climb up and do it myself

I went to shop for a new bin because yes we did need one because it blue and the plastic is burnt on the lid (over 12 mths now) and the kitchen is sage green.
The thing I suppose I’m saying is
He never initiate’s anything to do with the house
that needs doing
The bathroom tap/shower hose the water coming from both tap & shower - over 6 mths now like that
shower cubicle door not flush, clicks open -
grout round base - black
oil from his car on drive - just left it months . Now marked bigger

just a few things of a long list

ive realised now , he wants a quite life
to got out the house in the day and sit on phone at night.

My elderly neighbours behave like this when they try to do jobs together

Sounds like you need a hobby instead of seeking things to do in the home out of boredom.

Ugh I'm more your age and I couldn't be doing with this. Is your property shared? I think now, more than ever, we have such a short life and I would hate to spend it with someone I didn't like.

I get you OP ! I had one myself . Previously I just overruled him and did stuff my way . It's not that I think I know better or want to force my opinion but he actually didn't have one . Because that would mean taking an interest . I often give a deadline and if not done , I get someone to do it . As he is a tightwad , it often works .
And after 20 + years you do get fed up of the same behaviour over and over .

This is more than blinds and a bin.

These things bother you but not him and you are cross because you want him to share your interests.

I would imagine that he wants to enjoy his retirement and not stress about small (to him) things while you want to make the most of your retirement by getting jobs done.

Neither of you are right or wrong but you both need to compromise.

I think you should see your GP about your irritation

Yeah, I personally have never known one man who would look at a blue bin with a burn mark and think that it didn’t go with the sage green walls and needed changing. That tends not to be how men think. This is about more than blinds and a bin, as a PP said. Sounds like he wants to chill and you want tasks, that is mismatched.

The questions you need to ask yourself are can you live this way for another ten to twenty years? If the answer is no then look into separating. Or would he be willing to sell up and move to a new build where there's zero maintenance?

The other question is how do you think you'll behave at 73 yrs? A coffee and an odd bit of exercise type life sounds wonderful tbh but I do understand the need for a nice house and a less lazy husband. I left mine when I was 60 due to the laziness tbh, no regrets.

Leave him alone, OP! The poor guy is retired, he wants to relax. Stop fussing about your house, go out for a coffee with him, and have a proper conversation.

You sound bored and bossy OP.
If I was him I wouldn't do anything either for fear of it being the wrong thing/not the way you want it/getting it in the ear from you.

He goes out for a coffee for a reason.

I can't believe you'd cover up quarry tiles and put horrible vinyl down.

Any bin is fine.

You don't sound like the easiest person to deal with either tbh and that's just from your own version of events.

It all sounds like a petty moan about non-events about a man you don't like.
But what do you want to do, are you going to dump him/who owns the house?

(Going out, and scrolling on a phone seems absolutely fine for a retired man in his 70s, surely?)

To be fair quarry tiles can be cold but a couple of rugs on them and you have all the beauty of the tiles and warm feet.

Edited to add - I know this isn't the point of this thread.

You sound like hard work, to be honest.

Patronising crap

I had enough, I just want to be on my own be my own boss

It sounds like you both want the same thing. Except you also want to be the boss of him ( He didn’t listen when I said...). He leaves the house to be on his own and have some peace. I would to if someone spoke to me with the contempt you appear to have for him.

Time for a proper conversation about whether you have a future together or really would be better apart.

I'm with you op.
Pp's on here saying chill will be complaining bitterly when their parent's homes need updating and money is short or there's so much to do it's overwhelming. I'm determined to keep my home modern and practical and if that means chivvying dh along then so be it.
We're currently selling my deceased dad's flat and it needs a new bathroom and all new carpets and hasn't been painted since 1996 because he wouldn't do anything and wouldn't let us help.
My advice is just pay for help and get it done.
Also it's very common to lose motivation as you get older, your dh may have depression.

I'm determined to keep my home modern and practical and if that means chivvying dh along then so be it.

Could you do it yourself?