Just lost my shit with partner

[Mancity08]

I had enough, I just want to be on my own be my own boss

Been together 23 yrs , quite a few ups & downs in that time always very similar things that cause the fall outs
Todays was
i ordered two Roman blinds for kitchen then ones you don’t have to drill (only did that because he’d say I’m not drilling into upvc)
anyway, I can’t get it to click like it says it should to stay tight. Something that should of took 20 mins took well over an hour plus a phone call to company.
I had them out when he came home and he went to help me out them up. He’s like a gently giant !
everything is softly softly or weighing it up longer than necessary and I have to say push it or hit it harder.
Anyway, blinds aside, whilst the steps were out I went to move the spot lights at angles as they were all set in downward position
He turns round and says “they look stupid like that at angles”
I said, “there not meant to be facing down at the floor”
Everything I do in the house he has something to comment on it, don’t know about that colour, I think it looks ok, it doesn’t need it

Another thing last week
Had guy out for flooring , because off quarry tiles down in kitchen we need screeding done.
He now says doesnt want carpet shop to do screeding, what’s professional floor company to do it 😡 I lost it then and told him he can source one, that was last week - nothing done
If I don’t do anything(updating,maintenance) nothing would ever get done round the house.
i spent today going to 3 vinyl shops for flooring otherwise it will just get left like it is. I also looked for kitchen drainer/bin , need a new colour now.
Im running around, whilst he’s not interested or doesn’t even think about finishing a job off in the house. Everything is half finished or something needs fixing and he just ignores it and would spend his day going out for a coffee.

Were both late 60’s /73
That’s all he does when he goes out himself is for a coffee . He’s been sat/sun and today 🤦‍♀️
other than that he goes tennis maybe twice a week A.M then coffee in the afternoon if we’re not going out to the shops together (then I feel obligated to have a coffee)

Im so angry and pissed off
AIBU ?

I havnt probably explained fully as there’s only so much you can write on a thread without it being too long.

firstly, I don’t know why people are coming at me just because I want things fixing in the house that have been left for years sometimes. You get to a point when enough is enough .
Ive waited 23 yrs to get the kitchen fixed up !
The plastic bin - it’s not a burn mark , it’s been melted by a jet that was left on. Why can’t I have matching kitchen items after 23 years ? I went for them, he went for a coffee . Not a problem

Im not his mother or housemaid , he is a fit man who at 73 runs around a tennis court for 2.5 hrs
just because he isn’t interested in cleaning,shopping,maintenance in the house does not mean I am going to take on all responsibilities to keep it maintained
I too am 69, I’ve seen him sat there whilst I’ve painted, gardened and not lifted a finger to help but reaps the rewards.

The house is my home which now retired spend a lot of time in, and I’m not willing to let it go just because he’s too lazy or can’t be arsed to get something sorted or replaced . Things don’t last forever.
if it was is car or bike it wiukd be done that day- sorted out 100%. Perfect

So if people think I’m wrong , so be it
I know how his dad’s house went , and he’s exactly like him . Make do or ignore it. Don’t get rid , hoard it.
2 massive skips clearing his house out .

Blimey OP.

If you hate it all this much why have you stuck it 23 years? It doesn't sound as though there's any love, respect or happiness in your house.

I think there's a real question about whether you would prefer to divorce and live alone after a long marriage. Do you have a decent pension and could you afford to live somewhere decent from your share of the proceeds of the house? Do you have a good circle of friends, interesting hobbies and relatives who will offer support?

Oh no, a blue bin with sage green kitchen. However could you survive?

People shouldn't have to live like that. Not in this day and age.

Sounds like they’re not married which may be an issue splitting up.

I think you need to live in separate parts of the house, or separate houses....

If he is annoying you all the time, then you need to split, OP. As PP have said, could you fund getting away from him and setting up your own place?

Yes. But were a team and it's quicker for 2 people to complete a task eg decorating.
Also, i can a guarantee he would mansplain washing the paint brushes, taping the woodwork etc.

@Mancity08 I disagree with others saying he wants to chill and you want to do tasks. I actually think you’d like him to do the tasks so that you can chill. You don’t like the tasks not getting done but you don’t like having to do them all yourself either. You’ve started to resent him.

At your age I can understand that you’d like a nice house to chill in. Maybe sit him down and explain that all these jobs need doing and you can’t join him in ‘chilled’ retirement until they are, so maybe you could both work together to get through them and then both be able to enjoy retirement. Sell it as soon as the jobs are done, you can stop nagging and resenting him.

Please leave him. Enjoy the rest of your retirement years living the way you want to live in a home environment that makes you happy.

You want to hope it is just Coffee he's going out for or you're wish may come true sooner than you think. Then you can have the spotlights at whatever angle you like.

Is that it? 🤷‍♀️

When you say he has an opinion on everything- why shouldn’t he? You decide something should be one way, why can’t he voice an opinion too? I work in retail and I sometimes feel sorry for men, I hear a lot of women shutting them up without saying shut up

So are you going to explain to him how you feel and how important it is that he isn’t so passive? He needs the opportunity to change and if not, then you can reassess.

I think people are just picking bits out of my post and reading what they choose

so in retirement at your house
YOU do all the painting,gardening, cleaning, bedding all housework ??
so your husband / partner can go off and have a coffee ? You you do it all
Never initiate work the needs attention

if that’s resentment, yes I do then

Yes, i do all these things. I am single.

Why are you so helpless? Just order a bin online.

Get divorced if you don't like him.

You chivvying and him mansplaining all sounds like a lot harder work than just doing the job.

TheOchreLeader

why am I helpless ??
I do all the above in my post and we live together
why should I do it on my own? It’s not just woman that sorts housework, shopping,cleaning and arranging workmen when needed
If you read the post, it says I went out to buy a bin 🤷‍♀️

It is hard work trying to get someone to notice
who is oblivious and in their own world.

think I’ll delete this thread ,

I hear you @Mancity08

The resentment and frustration builds up over time and you finally reach this point. You cannot change him, only yourself so what outcome do you really want?

I chose a smaller house, less money, but I also lost the anger and resentment. Everything is now my choice and it's very freeing and peaceful. What do you want to choose?

You can't make people change.

Either get on with it or break up with him.

I think arguments happen in relationships. Its normal to get angry at people. I think you may need to work with couples counselling. Get a 3rd person involved.

I get you.

My DH used to be so practical but I sometimes think he would be happy to live in a 1980s student hovel, these days. And when he does do something he's king of not quite done. He's about 20 years younger than yours!

You've said it's your house, so tell the boyfriend to get out, give him a few weeks if feeling generous.

No need to live together, you can still date if you like him, but you hate having him in your house, so put a stop to it.