Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried it will never happen again for me now

100 replies

GoldCube · 26/10/2026 12:36

i really miss sex it’s been 10 years since i’ve actually had any. i’m only what i would call “young” to be living a sexless life (just turned 38 a week ago) im at the point where im starting to think it will never happen again now. being a lone parent meant i got absolutely zero time for myself meaning i was unable to date for many years, now they are older but they still don’t really leave the house or go anywhere and i never wanted to sneak someone in whilst they were at school (nothing against casual sex but it just isn’t for me) im at the point where i feel like it will never happen again now. i don’t trust men, im worried about sleeping with someone and being ghosted after, i don’t think i would be able to cope with that after going so long without, i hear so many stories of that and i just puts me off, i wish i had a decent male friend or ex that i trust that i could suggest the idea to but sadly there is no one! im now starting to think it will never happen again because my lack of trust in men i really wish i hadn’t left it so long. is there something wrong with me? has anyone ever felt this way?

OP posts:
GoodGirlFaith · 26/10/2026 12:37

I met my boyfriend age almost 50 so you have plenty of time!

AtBeaverGoat · 26/10/2026 12:43

You are so young- have nothing to worry about, I met my partner after almost a decade of celibacy, I’m nearly 60 and having more ( and better) sex than ever - just relax about it

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 12:44

yes physically there is time i guess but i mean my lack of trust in men now im not sure how i can repair that, going so long has caused me a lot of issues around trust and letting someone in.

OP posts:
IberianLynx · 26/10/2026 12:46

Are you children old enough to be left alone so that you can meet people for dates? You can easily meet someone for coffee in the day, that is the first step. It’s not actually that easy to find a man that you want to sleep with. Try OLD but do not say that you are looking for casual as you will be swamped. If you find someone that you want to sleep with you can go to their house.

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 12:47

i’m not looking for casual…

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 12:49

now they are older but they still don’t really leave the house or go anywhere and i never wanted to sneak someone in whilst they were at school (nothing against casual sex but it just isn’t for me)

from my op if that clarifies it more to explain why it’s been so long as i’m aware i could have fit in time for a ONS etc

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 26/10/2026 12:57

You've 'wasted' ten years not trusting. Isn't it time for a change of mindset?

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 12:59

not really wasted 10 years as when they were little i couldn’t date anyway as they didn’t see their father so dating was not an option, my point is now it’s been so long i have build up walls and barriers that are hard to simply just break down now, i know a lot of men are awful users especially online dating i hear of women sleeping with men all the time just to be ghosted or blocked after.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 26/10/2026 13:08

Problem is, you're giving yourself mixed messages; you want to have a sexual relationship but you believe that you will (inevitably?) be ghosted or blocked. What if that wasn't true?

GreengrocersApostrophe · 26/10/2026 13:11

Take charge of yourself. If someone ghosts you, good, they've shown you early on that you would have been wasting your time on them. Be selfish, be sexual if that's what you need to break the ice so to speak. Put yourself first. There's a never ending sea of cock available out there. Avail yourself of it and get clearer along the way about what you'd like.

What's good about you? Keep that in the front and centre of your mind, at all times. At all times! Men are just other people, and sampling a few of them is all part of the fun. Hotels, dates, anything you can muster. Life is so achingly short and hard. Let them in, but always always keep your kind on what is good about you. Always think of why you are worth it. You are worth it.

Dweetfidilove · 26/10/2026 13:13

A lot of men are awful, but some are good too. If you want to date again, you have to work out how to lower your walls a bit, to let someone in.

No-one has (presumably) hurt you in a least 10 years, so you owe to yourself to try.
It's great that you're cautious and have built a sustainable life without a man, so of they turn out to be crap, you can go back to being single.
Nothing beats a trial, but a failure they say.

Are you freer now to go out for a solo coffee/gym/activity where you could meet and get into the habit of just chatting to men without the pressure of actively seeking a date?

Do you have any good male friends /family that treat you well? How do they treat the women they date?

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 13:14

no i have no male friends lost them when i got with my ex as he didn’t like it, no men in my family either.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 26/10/2026 13:15

GreengrocersApostrophe · 26/10/2026 13:11

Take charge of yourself. If someone ghosts you, good, they've shown you early on that you would have been wasting your time on them. Be selfish, be sexual if that's what you need to break the ice so to speak. Put yourself first. There's a never ending sea of cock available out there. Avail yourself of it and get clearer along the way about what you'd like.

What's good about you? Keep that in the front and centre of your mind, at all times. At all times! Men are just other people, and sampling a few of them is all part of the fun. Hotels, dates, anything you can muster. Life is so achingly short and hard. Let them in, but always always keep your kind on what is good about you. Always think of why you are worth it. You are worth it.

There's a never ending sea of cock available out there. Avail yourself of it
Sounds like it should be on a t-shirt 😃😃

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 13:15

GreengrocersApostrophe · 26/10/2026 13:11

Take charge of yourself. If someone ghosts you, good, they've shown you early on that you would have been wasting your time on them. Be selfish, be sexual if that's what you need to break the ice so to speak. Put yourself first. There's a never ending sea of cock available out there. Avail yourself of it and get clearer along the way about what you'd like.

What's good about you? Keep that in the front and centre of your mind, at all times. At all times! Men are just other people, and sampling a few of them is all part of the fun. Hotels, dates, anything you can muster. Life is so achingly short and hard. Let them in, but always always keep your kind on what is good about you. Always think of why you are worth it. You are worth it.

that sounds wonderful if i was into casual sex but sadly im not 🥲

OP posts:
scoopsahoooy · 26/10/2026 13:19

Unfortunately there is always an element of uncertainty: the only way to know 100% for sure that you won't get ghosted after sleeping with/getting emotionally close to someone is to never do it. All things come with risk - if you sleep with someone/get to know them and like them romantically, there is a chance, however small, that you MAY get ghosted at some point. So really it's for you to decide whether you want to run that risk or not and which is more important to you: connecting with someone else with the possibility that it doesn't work out, or protecting your peace and making sure there's no negative outcomes.

But all the best things in life have risk. You can't live your life trying to protect yourself from anything bad happening.

Dweetfidilove · 26/10/2026 13:23

GoldCube · 26/10/2026 13:14

no i have no male friends lost them when i got with my ex as he didn’t like it, no men in my family either.

Easier said than done I know, but you have to channel your inner Des'ree - Be bold and get yourself out there.
You don't need to have casual sex, but it might help allay your fears if you start meeting new people and find a few to be decent enough.

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 13:26

It’s not just being ghosted not sure if I’m explaining myself clearly but all the awful things I hear about men especially on dating apps, I’d be open to a fwb with someone I actually knew already had a friendship with and trusted, but not a random guy I’ve met online.

OP posts:
shuffleofftobuffalo · 26/10/2026 13:52

Then don’t use dating apps. Start some activities where you can meet people organically. And yes, there are some worthwhile men out there, and they’re less likely to be on dating apps.

On trusting men - maybe do some work on that. Is there something in particular thats happened that’s led to you not trusting them generally, or is it more along the lines of heard lots of bad stories?

Mondayname28 · 26/10/2026 13:55

I thought this when I left my husband aged 60, but 5 years later have had two good relationships (consecutively, not concurrently😂) with men 5 and 7 years younger, and I think the current one will be permanent, so it absolutely is possible to find good men😃 🤞🤞

GoodGirlFaith · 26/10/2026 13:57

I know a few lovely couples who met on dating apps but I wouldn't start there, OP (I also know people who got messed around by men they met on dating apps).

I met my boyf. though a mutual friend.

I would look into finding a local hobby group or something initially to enjoy and widen your circle of friends. Something that you are interested in will bring the right people nearer.

Mondayname28 · 26/10/2026 13:58

shuffleofftobuffalo · 26/10/2026 13:52

Then don’t use dating apps. Start some activities where you can meet people organically. And yes, there are some worthwhile men out there, and they’re less likely to be on dating apps.

On trusting men - maybe do some work on that. Is there something in particular thats happened that’s led to you not trusting them generally, or is it more along the lines of heard lots of bad stories?

Completely agree with this.
The two men I referred to would never go on an app.

Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 14:00

id be using apps im not keen on hobby groups (just being honest!)

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldCube · 26/10/2026 14:01

shuffleofftobuffalo · 26/10/2026 13:52

Then don’t use dating apps. Start some activities where you can meet people organically. And yes, there are some worthwhile men out there, and they’re less likely to be on dating apps.

On trusting men - maybe do some work on that. Is there something in particular thats happened that’s led to you not trusting them generally, or is it more along the lines of heard lots of bad stories?

a bit of both, past experience and the stories i hear, in the past i only met men that wanted sex and nothing more. ive only had one relationship.

OP posts:
GoodGirlFaith · 26/10/2026 14:05

GoldCube · 26/10/2026 14:00

id be using apps im not keen on hobby groups (just being honest!)

That's totally fair @GoldCube

Is there anyone in your circle (or on the outskirts of it) that you think you may have stuff in common with?

I think if you are wary of intimate relationships (and I assume getting hurt) then you would be wise to take it all very slowly. I did not stay at my boyf.'s house for months into our relationship, we had a lovely time (long distance) dating first.

GoodGirlFaith · 26/10/2026 14:07

There is nothing wrong with you, BTW @GoldCube I think you sound a bit lonely and in need of an intimate relationship (and by that, I don't mean sex). I hope you find it. x