Friend makes me wait around the corner

[Cactusandmarshmallows]

Interested in advice on this one. One of my closest friends is a man I work near, we’re in the same building but not at the same job. We’ve been friends for many years and I’m happily married etc. We meet up for lunch semi-regularly and always have. About 6 months ago he started seeing a workmate of mine which is great as I really like her and he seems happy.

It was all fine at first but the last few times we’ve meet he’s asked me not to wait in the lobby where we’d usually meet, but outside and around the corner, and he always looks all shifty until we get away from work and he relaxes. I asked him if everything is ok and if his new partner is ok with me hanging out with him and he said it’s fine, and he initiates lunches as much as I do, but continues to ask me to meet him around the corner.

That’s weird, right? I’m just not sure how to approach it as I value his friendship but don’t want to feel like a dirty secret!

It’s weird and he’s obviously kept you a secret from his new partner. Does she know you are friends? Could she think you are a love interest?

I wouldn’t be interested in a friendship like this continuing

It is weird. If you like his gf I would suggest to her she starts coming along, or just drop the lunches. It's sad but I can see this becoming a big tangle you can do without if, as I suspect, she's objected to your lunches and he is feeling that he can do what he wants (quite right) but not quite daring to do it openly. You've done nothing wrong of course.

He's being shifty as fuck, this man is not your friend.

Maybe it's not her, per se, but he doesn't want his workmates to be watching and muttering to his girlfriend about him 'meeting another woman for lunch'? Now he's in a relationship?

She knows we’re friends and I’d mentioned seeing him for lunch ages ago but I don’t know her that well really and don’t interact with her that much as our paths don’t really cross

I do wonder sadly

I'd guess its more this than anything else.

Just wait in the lobby as usual. Every time.

Sounds to me as though she isn't happy abouf his one on one lunches with you but he doesn't intend to stop them. If this is the case he is being dishonest with her and I would think the less of him for that.

Whatever the reason he is obviously trying to keep your lunch dates a secret from somebody. I would cool the friendship because he is definitely showing a shify and devious side to him that isn't attractive in anyone, not least in a friend.

Sounds like he’s definitely trying to hide you from someone so it’s most likely his girlfriend. I’d assume she does actually have a problem with the time you spend together but he just doesn’t want to tell you that. If this is the case then he’s putting you in a shitty situation, even though your lunches are entirely innocent.

I wouldn't worry about it, i'd just say no thanks i'll wait here, when he's put on the spot he has a choice to make then doesn't he, he will either wonder off so she doesn't see you both together (i'd follow by the way) or he'll just accept it.

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

Now he is seeing someone known within the workplace it may have increased the focus of colleagues (or just one annoying but loud idiot) who likes to do the "ooh seeing another woman" and he just can't be arsed with it.

On the other hand it could also be shady behaviour.

You are friends. Can't you just say "okay what's going on with the clandestine round the corner business?"

Could he secretly have more then friendly feelings towards you, and his new girlfriend has noticed?

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's using you both for an ego boost. He may have told her that you once had feelings for him, eventually he'll tell you she's jealous and threatened by your friendship. These chancers are ten a penny.

But never lower yourself to hide around a corner like a dirty secret. You're not a drug dealer.

I agree with @ChapmanFarm . Just ask what is going on.

It’s bound to be one of the reasons already suggested, but as a friend he needs to tell you. I’d want know just out of curiosity really. I wouldn’t continue sneaking around because doing so makes you look shady.

Is he playing billy big bollocks and pretending he is having an affair and thinks it gives him better street cred as it were in the building? It is very odd behaviour unless she is a jealous person?

I'd be inclined to take a step back from this friendship now.

But it’s a juvenile thing to do. I’d tell him you’re not his dirty little secret, OP, and either you wait in the lobby as usual, or lunch is off the table until he grows up.

I completely agree.

I feel some of these replies are a bit odd.

You’re obviously close with him so have it out with him.

It could be something or nothing.

It may be as simple as he’s been told not to have visitors waiting in the lobby and you’ve assumed it’s him being shifty.

My first thought was how other colleagues are talking about you like you’re his other gf.

The new gf could be jealous but I would assume she’d meet him for lunch instead if that was the case or he’d meet you at the place you’re going etc.

It’s probably him making things into a bigger deal than it has to be.
I wouldn’t stop seeing him over it without getting to the bottom of it though.

I reckon she has given him shit about seeing you and he wants to continue to be your mate, so he hides it from her to avoid getting shit.

My money says they will break up and he will go back to normal with you.

I'd just ask him. Tell him you're just his friend but you're starting to feel like a dirty secret by being asked to meet round the corner. Ask for a proper explanation and determine if the friendship has a future based on what he says.

My thoughts went to, he wants to meet up still and she isn't very happy about it? Especially if it wasn't a problem before hand...

I think the appropriate response is to refuse to comply with his shiftiness. If neither of you are doing anything wrong you have nothing to hide. If he wants to hide something from someone then it's dishonest to cooperate with his dishonesty.

I'm not being anyone's dirty little secret.

I have a long standing male friend, purely platonic afaic, but I like to make sure his wife is aware when we meet up, just for the sake of avoiding misunderstandings. I do things like post on FB and tag him, so I know she'll see it.

I'm not being part of anything that needs so be a secret, for any reason.

I don’t think he’s being shifty. He just knows he’ll get it in the ear from his new paranoid girlfriend. So he’s just minimising the likely hood of being seen with you. I feel sorry him.