Friend makes me wait around the corner

[Cactusandmarshmallows]

Interested in advice on this one. One of my closest friends is a man I work near, we’re in the same building but not at the same job. We’ve been friends for many years and I’m happily married etc. We meet up for lunch semi-regularly and always have. About 6 months ago he started seeing a workmate of mine which is great as I really like her and he seems happy.

It was all fine at first but the last few times we’ve meet he’s asked me not to wait in the lobby where we’d usually meet, but outside and around the corner, and he always looks all shifty until we get away from work and he relaxes. I asked him if everything is ok and if his new partner is ok with me hanging out with him and he said it’s fine, and he initiates lunches as much as I do, but continues to ask me to meet him around the corner.

That’s weird, right? I’m just not sure how to approach it as I value his friendship but don’t want to feel like a dirty secret!

This sounds like it may perhaps be a friendship that has run it's course.
He now wants to be in a partnership with someone who will find your lunchtimes out difficult and he needs to make a touch choice.
If he really loves her, then he needs to let the lunches with you gradually diminish and you both move on to new friendships.

No fuss. No bother. No hard feelings.
Just part of life's progress.

Is there a reason this woman, who also works close to you both, and who you apparently like too, is never invited to lunch?

A friendship where you never let anyone else in isn't just friends, and IME doesn't happen in same sex friendships in the way that it does in these close "platonic" mixed sex friendships.

E.g If I was going to lunch with a female friend and also happened to work with a close friend of theirs, who I liked, I'd probably invite them along sometimes..

Wouldn't it be nice to meet her for lunch sometimes too?

I think the idea of the jealous girlfriend is very often just a man who can’t be arsed to maintain a friendship with a female friend, now that he has the companionship of another woman, with sex on tap.

It might not be happening here, but it serves the OP no benefit to hide away, and seems to benefit her 'friend'. I'd be noping out.

Well yeah, obviously in an ideal world it would be up to him but OP can't force him to do this so she's going to have to decide what she's happy with. I'm guessing she isn't happy being a secret meet up so if he doesn't change what he's doing then she'll back out of any future lunches.

Yes, that's what I meant. By asking OP to be a secret, he has made that decision because if it can't be open OP needs to step away.

It sounds like the friendship is going to become strained no matter what happens. If he says everything’s fine then I wouldn’t be waiting around the corner. I don’t want to be part of something he hides from his girlfriend. He has chosen to date within the workplace and if he will allow her to stop us being friends then he might as well get on with that now

Is there a really gossipy reception person who will spread misinformation, even though your friend and his other half are fine, he can't be bothered with the aggravation?

Invite your husband along 😁

His girlfriend has expressed that she's uncomfortable with your lunches, but he wants to carry on, so meeting you elsewhere is his solution. He could just tell you that, of course - you sound like a reasonable person. But so many men will avoid even the most basic of communication in the name of 'keeping the peace'.

Whatever his reasons, his behaviours are making you look guilty of something. This is how rumours start and could create problems for you and your marriage. I'd stop the lunches. Just be unavailable if he tries to arrange another - have other plans for your lunchtime. No drama required.

A few people have said that it may be the girlfriend who is weird about him meeting a female friend for lunch. This is possible … but it is also possible that she doesn’t care and the dude is being weird just because he has a girlfriend.

I would refuse to hide around the corner because it implies that you are doing something shifty. Meeting in the lobby and loudly saying “Derek and I are going to get a sandwich, we’ll be back by 2” to whoever asks means there’s nothing to gossip about.

Maybe she isn’t ok with you guys being friends so he is having to hide it.

Him hiding it could be because he has other motivations and sees you as a potential affair partner, or he could be stuck in a controlling relationship and not wanting her to find out he is maintaining friendships with women.

Have you asked him?

Agreed

None of that is the OP’s problem, though. She just says ‘No, I’m not skulking around the corner in the rain, Nigel. See you in the lobby at 1.’ And he deals with it.

The first time I just agreed as had assumed he might be meeting me coming from somewhere else so it was practical, but then it happened a few more times and I realised it was a pattern. I’ll ask him next time though

Good question! It’s meeting around the corner but recently it has always been me waiting as he has taken to being slightly late. Meeting at the cafe would be odd as it’s a short walk away

Why is the GF never invited to lunch?

He said she’s always too busy and that’s what she told me too the one time I asked her, but I realise I haven’t checked back in on that. She doesn’t really take lunch breaks - something friend has complained to me about.

There’s such good advice in this thread and I’m glad I started it because I wasn’t sure if I was overthinking it. But it seems I’m not.

I’ll give it a little distance for now but next time will ask him about it to at least hear from him. And I’m not waiting around the corner anymore like a filthy secret.

Yup…I didn’t say it was her problem. But I do think she should ask, because if he is in an abusive relationship then he might be glad someone asked why he has to hide having friends, and if he is trying to hide her because he is trying to start up something she will be able to make a choice about whether she wants to continue with the friendship.

It isn’t a choice of ask or say you aren’t waiting around the corner…you can do both 🤷‍♀️

I’d interpret this as him dating someone who is unnecessarily jealous. I’d be saying “Look, I’m not that comfortable with meeting you around the corner all of a sudden, it makes me feel like I’m involved in something I should feel guilty about. You need to tell me what this is really about, because I don’t want to continue behaving secretively when I’m doing nothing wrong.”

Seriously. I wouldn't be hiding around the corner for anyone.

She knows about your lunches and has made it clear to him she doesn't like it. Honestly, I wouldn't either, sorry! I'd expect the work guy I'm dating to take ME for lunch not a hot female friend. I'd be Ok if he took Nigel from accounts.

Well then he should have the balls to tell OP he can't meet her anymore as his mummy doesn't like it or have the balls to tell his girlfriend he will continue to meet female friends for lunch. What he shouldn't do is have OP skulk around so he can lie to his girlfriend.

Yes, thats weird and I would refuse to be part of it.

Tbf, office gossip is the worst. If he’s your friend, ask him. I suspect it’s along the lines of “receptionist tells the world about everything they see and makes a mountain out of a molehill”. If you’re worried about his new partner, ask him if he’d like her to join you.
a) you’ve done nothing wrong b) don’t hide behind the building. But it might be easier to just meet him wherever you’re eating lunch.