Toxic MIL obsessed with ‘kindness‘

[Thebestdaysofourlife]

Need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She is obsessed with ‘kindness’ and everything she does has to be kind, she judges everyone else based on how kind she perceives them to be.

She does lots of things that we don’t like but if we ask her not to, she sulks as she was only being kind. Basically if we ever disagree with her then we are nasty people as she was just doing what she did or said with kindness. Examples - she reorganised all my kitchen cupboards one afternoon whilst babysitting, DH told her it was she had overstepped the mark, she got upset as she was being kind. We went on a day out and the children were behaving badly, I told them off and she was cuddling them saying I didn’t mean what I said - again she was only saying it with kindness. The crux of it is that her actions can only ever be good as they were meant with good intentions.

Earlier this year she had a bad mental health episode which unfortunately coincided with the birth of DC3 and also me being extremely ill and needing major surgery, DH had to get quite firm with her to arrange proper help for her (she wanted him to move in with her whilst I was caring for 3 DC, one a newborn, having just had major surgery) and now she says he was unkind in the way he spoke to her and she can’t forgive him.

How can we deal with this? It’s causing a lot of friction. She hasn’t got any other family at all so it feels incredibly mean to cut her off. We live close to her and every time we see her it’s ending in an argument. I dropped in with the DCs a couple of nights ago and she wouldn’t let me in!

Stop arguing! Just let it go over your head and be kind . . .

If she won't let you in, she's solved your problem. "We are being kind by giving you some space, and recognising your boundaries". Job done

So she can't forgive him, and she won't let you in? Sounds like shes doing you guys a favour. Let her have her tantrum, and distance yourself hugely. Shes a knob. Anyone who has to point out how kind they are all the time, really really isn't. She doesnt listen to you, and therefore has no respect for you. Just back away fast.

She's manipulative. Let her have her sulk.

She’s upset at how her son spoke to her when he refused to help because his wife was unwell and he had three children including a new born? Let her be upset, this is not your or Dhs problem.

You took the children around and she wouldn’t let you in? Don’t drop round again.

She undermined your parenting when you disciplined your children? Explain that if she does it again she can’t come on outings with you again,

She thinks you are unkind, not kind or could be kinder? So what? She doesn’t sound like she’s particularly kind herself.

Absolutely nothing kind about her behaviour. She sounds very manipulative.

My MIL is like this. I felt better after reading about the drama triangle. She is playing the role of victim and rescuer (a rescuer noone needs or wants !) and making anyone who questions her role the perpetrator. Google it, I'm butchering the explanation!

Edited to add : I felt better because I learned to drop the rope and just step out of the drama triangle. Let her get on with it.

Surely it’s not kind to not let you in? She’s a knob.

He was helping - he had been going round in the night to be with her until he realised it was way bigger than he could cope with - she wouldn’t cooperate with the help he was organising so he had to speak to her quite firmly.

The crux of it is, we have to agree with her, go along with anything she wants as she’s always only doing so out of kindness.

Take the win. You've bought yourself some respite from her manipulative nonsense.

we have to agree with her, go along with anything she wants

You don't. Your husband can, all he wants, leave him to it.

Yep this is what I would do .. she’s bought it on herself

This is exactly like my MIL- except hers is ‘helping’. Everything she does is ‘to help’ someone- problem is, they don’t ask for her help or want it, and the help is all on her terms, so it often upsets people and causes offence. It’s taken me a long time to realise that it’s actually incredibly selfish of her- to force her own ‘help’ onto everyone and actually she is doing this to make herself feel good. She’s not doing it to make the other people feel good- well if it works then that’s a double win, but her motivation is to make herself feel good; before the other persons’ own feelings. I feel like it’s an incredibly manipulative behaviour and means she is never really responsible because she ‘was only trying to help!’

Is your MIL religious? Mine had a strict and religious upbringing and I think she feels huge guilt at just being herself. Her entire self worth is based on helping people. She even went into a job where she could ‘help people’. Ironically I think this encouraged her to walk over people’s boundaries because it made her feel she knew best; better than the people she was helping even.
She has fallen out with many many people; but it’s always something they have taken issue with, and she’s just let them go - I suspect if you ask them what happened they would say she was out of line / didn’t listen to them / hugely overstepped in a delicate situation.
I take her with a pinch of salt and I keep her at arms distance really because I don’t trust her authenticity- it’s fake and I know it is because she will ignore my own wishes (about things I deem - and she’s seems- important; my child, breastfeeding was a big one, ‘helping’ around my house) and the fact she ignores my wishes makes me feel she doesn’t really care for me much actually; just herself. I do stay civil and friendly and I don’t restrict her access to grandchildren etc etc.

Maybe you can relate to some of this!! X

She's weaponised kindness which is essentially unkind, she's doing it to manipulate, intentionally or otherwise. Don't engage with it.

Sometimes you have to be “cruel” to be kind. Remind her of that.