Dating an avoidant

RageBates · 2026-10-19T14:27:51+00:00

Don't really know what my question is...I guess I just need to get this off my chest. My boyfriend is entirely conflict-avoidant and maybe even generally avoidant, emotionally. Obviously I don't want to be arguing either, but I mean there are times he will flee because he suspects we're going to argue, because we've disagreed. It's almost like he goes into flight/flight and just goes...but he can't see that in doing so, he's actually doing more harm than good. I don't believe I'm an unreasonable person. I don't shout, I'm not unkind or aggressive. He is VERY opinionated and it's almost like when I disagree with his opinion, or question his thinking, he then gets annoyed and walks off. He'll then ignore me for hours. If i message or try to call, he will ignore me. I'm aware it's not healthy and I'm definitely starting to see it as a red flag for stonewalling/control. Today he told me I "turn everything into an argument" which is untrue. I don't. I just think he can't cope with me having a different opinion to him. I'm not chasing him. He can fuck himself right now to be honest!

Arlanymor · 19/10/2026 15:29

I wouldn't date an avoidant... for the myriad reasons you have outlined!

JoyousWriter · 19/10/2026 15:41

He sounds like a twat.

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 15:43

I've dated people that need time after disagreements. That's not unreasonable or strange.

If you can/do disagree with genuine empathy and kindness, and he can't handle that, then that's a real, and really quite strange, problem.

But in my experience, when one partner withdraws after disagreements, it can often be because the other is being far less objective/fair than they assume.

That's also a problem, and a difficult one to both recognise and resolve.

If you've both invested significant time into the relationship, I'd recommend counselling. If not, it may just be a simple incompatibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2026 15:50

This relationship doesn’t sound like it particularly enhances your life op!! You don’t have to be in a relationship, it isn’t mandatory thankfully.

QueenOfAccountability · 19/10/2026 15:53

Do you mind if I ask how old he is? That sounds very immature behaviour, almost teenager like.

A fair amount of people suffer from arrested development - almost as though they became stuck at 17 and can't move on.

Original poster

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:11

I'm trying not to be too outing, but the bizarre thing about today is it happened so quickly that it didn't even seem like a disagreement to me.
It almost felt like he was in a rush from the moment we met and me voicing that is apparently grounds to throw a strop and walk away.

Neither of us had anywhere to be. We met for brunch and he had tried to call me to ask what I wanted to order because he got there 2 minutes before me.
I felt like I was being rushed, rather than meeting up and both looking at the menu/ordering...I felt like I was being hurried.
When I said this, he got defensive and said I make an argument of everything.
From me walking up to him, questioning why he'd tried to call me and him walking off, was ten minutes.
It was so insane that it made my head spin to be honest.
But apparently I am the problem, although he has ZERO patience.

He's mid 40s.

I suspect I won't hear from him now for ages.

I messaged after he walked off, it remains unread (this is not unusual)

OP posts:

Original poster

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:15

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2026 15:50

This relationship doesn’t sound like it particularly enhances your life op!! You don’t have to be in a relationship, it isn’t mandatory thankfully.

I'm aware.

I've spent many years single parenting and very much feel like "I do life alone" ...we don't live together, or even spend that much time together, really.

OP posts:

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 16:17

> Neither of us had anywhere to be. We met for brunch and he had tried to call me to ask what I wanted to order because he got there 2 minutes before me.
> I felt like I was being rushed, rather than meeting up and both looking at the menu/ordering...I felt like I was being hurried.

We don't know what the texts were, so it's impossible to give an observation, but something along the lines of "Hey I'm here, would you like me to order something for you?" "Don't rush me!" would be argumentative.

dodobookends · 19/10/2026 16:22

He tells you that you're making an argument out of everything. In other words, you aren't unquestioningly doing everything his way and you have the temerity to want your own opinion. In his eyes that is unacceptable so he 'punishes' you for your bad behaviour by storming off and ignoring you for days. He hopes that by doing this to you, he can train you into being compliant at all times for fear of him abandoning you again. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Dump the insufferable twat.

summitfever · 19/10/2026 16:24

He’s not avoidant, stop wasting your time trying to pathologise an absolute dickhead.

GrillaMilla · 19/10/2026 16:25

He sounds really hard work, constantly having to figure out what he's flounced off about. Who needs that?

You aren't married, I presume no children. Why do you put up with it? You'd be better off on your own, ah the peace! Imagine that.

cartagenagina · 19/10/2026 16:26

He sounds like a standard wankbadger. Just dump him.

TheAvidWriter · 19/10/2026 16:28

OP that is not being avoidant, that his him attempting to silence you into submission, eventually. Him walking off is disrespectful, not avoidant, you want it to be avoidant as that is better for you so that you do not have to see him for what he is, and what he is doing to you, which is emotional abuse, control, and you avoid seeing him for whom he actually is.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/10/2026 16:29

Is it that by calling him 'avoidant' you are trying to find reasons for his behaviour and therefore talk yourself into thinking that this can be got over?

He's learned that behaving like this gets people running after him. I don't think that's so much being 'avoidant', as being a rude, immature dick.

Autumnbootcamp · 19/10/2026 16:33

He doesn't appear to be able to communicate properly. That's kind of basic for being in a relationship.

Shirke · 19/10/2026 16:33

Why are you tolerating this?

Original poster

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:39

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 16:17

> Neither of us had anywhere to be. We met for brunch and he had tried to call me to ask what I wanted to order because he got there 2 minutes before me.
> I felt like I was being rushed, rather than meeting up and both looking at the menu/ordering...I felt like I was being hurried.

We don't know what the texts were, so it's impossible to give an observation, but something along the lines of "Hey I'm here, would you like me to order something for you?" "Don't rush me!" would be argumentative.

No that wasn't the case.
He literally was rushing me.
I got there and sat down...he immediately got up and started looking at an alternative menu and asking if I wanted X,Y,Z? I think I said something like gosh calm down, have you got somewhere to be, an appointment? (He said no)
I was like Okay calm down what's the rush then?
He said how he thought he'd order as it takes a while (it doesn't, we've eaten here before)
I said something like...I take it you're really hungry then, as you're rushing me rather than it being leisurely. And he said "fuck this, I'm going, you have to make an argument out of everything" ..he stormed off before I even got chance to explain that I am capable of deciding my own brunch choice, I just needed a few minutes to look at the menu.
He genuinely was rushing and hurrying me. It was bizarre!!
Also what he was suggesting ordering me initially was something he knows I wouldn't eat and have told him many times is not something I get excited about. Then he said he'd pay..but the things he was suggesting were a few pounds (again trying not to be outing, but think along these lines..he wanted the full English and was suggesting I have 2x crumpets)

It felt more like control/me being expected to comply, than a nice brunch date. It was very very strange!

Anyway, he left. I ordered and ate brunch by myself. It was at my table within 15 minutes.

OP posts:

dodobookends · 19/10/2026 16:43

"It felt more like control/me being expected to comply"

That's because it was.

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 17:01

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:39

No that wasn't the case.
He literally was rushing me.
I got there and sat down...he immediately got up and started looking at an alternative menu and asking if I wanted X,Y,Z? I think I said something like gosh calm down, have you got somewhere to be, an appointment? (He said no)
I was like Okay calm down what's the rush then?
He said how he thought he'd order as it takes a while (it doesn't, we've eaten here before)
I said something like...I take it you're really hungry then, as you're rushing me rather than it being leisurely. And he said "fuck this, I'm going, you have to make an argument out of everything" ..he stormed off before I even got chance to explain that I am capable of deciding my own brunch choice, I just needed a few minutes to look at the menu.
He genuinely was rushing and hurrying me. It was bizarre!!
Also what he was suggesting ordering me initially was something he knows I wouldn't eat and have told him many times is not something I get excited about. Then he said he'd pay..but the things he was suggesting were a few pounds (again trying not to be outing, but think along these lines..he wanted the full English and was suggesting I have 2x crumpets)

It felt more like control/me being expected to comply, than a nice brunch date. It was very very strange!

Anyway, he left. I ordered and ate brunch by myself. It was at my table within 15 minutes.

Show quote history

Things like this can get very much lost in translation, but if that's a direct quote, that's kind of bizarre, and both very unkind and unfair.

I can't imagine what he was thinking, but if I was in your position, that would be more than enough for me to move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2026 17:06

I don’t get this op.

you correctly nailed it in your op one hour and a half ago that he can fuck right off. Good plan, he sounds like an arsehole. Great, move on.

you then spend an hour and a half wondering why he’s an arsehole. Going over and over who did what wrong.

just forget about him. He’s a bell end.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/10/2026 17:07

dodobookends · 19/10/2026 16:22

He tells you that you're making an argument out of everything. In other words, you aren't unquestioningly doing everything his way and you have the temerity to want your own opinion. In his eyes that is unacceptable so he 'punishes' you for your bad behaviour by storming off and ignoring you for days. He hopes that by doing this to you, he can train you into being compliant at all times for fear of him abandoning you again. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Dump the insufferable twat.

Edited

I agree. I dated someone like this for a while. All was fine until I had a different opinion about something (I can't remember what, but something very minor, like an opinion on an actor or something) and then he was like a different person. That was the end of that !

JoyousWriter · 19/10/2026 17:12

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:39

No that wasn't the case.
He literally was rushing me.
I got there and sat down...he immediately got up and started looking at an alternative menu and asking if I wanted X,Y,Z? I think I said something like gosh calm down, have you got somewhere to be, an appointment? (He said no)
I was like Okay calm down what's the rush then?
He said how he thought he'd order as it takes a while (it doesn't, we've eaten here before)
I said something like...I take it you're really hungry then, as you're rushing me rather than it being leisurely. And he said "fuck this, I'm going, you have to make an argument out of everything" ..he stormed off before I even got chance to explain that I am capable of deciding my own brunch choice, I just needed a few minutes to look at the menu.
He genuinely was rushing and hurrying me. It was bizarre!!
Also what he was suggesting ordering me initially was something he knows I wouldn't eat and have told him many times is not something I get excited about. Then he said he'd pay..but the things he was suggesting were a few pounds (again trying not to be outing, but think along these lines..he wanted the full English and was suggesting I have 2x crumpets)

It felt more like control/me being expected to comply, than a nice brunch date. It was very very strange!

Anyway, he left. I ordered and ate brunch by myself. It was at my table within 15 minutes.

Show quote history

Think of the time you've spent today, tying yourself in.knots, trying to justify or explain his behaviour.

You could have spent that time doing something nice!

I bet he hasn't spent hours thinking about you.

Miss1983 · 19/10/2026 17:30

Not sure how long u have dated for but he sounds like very hard work. Its unpleasant to have to manage what you say or question yourself over such minor things. I had an ex who used to dissappear once for six weeks because I questioned something or other/said I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't communicate. This was 10 years ago before I had a child. Looking back I wish I just ignored him and moved on but I kept trying to understand him and try to work things out.

Having to deal with someone like that doesnt help to regulate your nervous system at all on top of everything else with regular day to day life and parenting.

I wonder how he would feel if you dished out the exact same behaviour?!

Put yourself first and do what is best for you

NoWinnersOnlyLosers · 19/10/2026 17:38

RageBates · 19/10/2026 16:39

No that wasn't the case.
He literally was rushing me.
I got there and sat down...he immediately got up and started looking at an alternative menu and asking if I wanted X,Y,Z? I think I said something like gosh calm down, have you got somewhere to be, an appointment? (He said no)
I was like Okay calm down what's the rush then?
He said how he thought he'd order as it takes a while (it doesn't, we've eaten here before)
I said something like...I take it you're really hungry then, as you're rushing me rather than it being leisurely. And he said "fuck this, I'm going, you have to make an argument out of everything" ..he stormed off before I even got chance to explain that I am capable of deciding my own brunch choice, I just needed a few minutes to look at the menu.
He genuinely was rushing and hurrying me. It was bizarre!!
Also what he was suggesting ordering me initially was something he knows I wouldn't eat and have told him many times is not something I get excited about. Then he said he'd pay..but the things he was suggesting were a few pounds (again trying not to be outing, but think along these lines..he wanted the full English and was suggesting I have 2x crumpets)

It felt more like control/me being expected to comply, than a nice brunch date. It was very very strange!

Anyway, he left. I ordered and ate brunch by myself. It was at my table within 15 minutes.

Show quote history

Not to stir the pot, but the fact he was so rushed and wanted to speed things up makes me wonder if he really did have to be somewhere else with someone. It is highly likely that the threw the strop to go there.

Life is too short though for this crap so I would cut my losses and move on OP

IDontCareWhatMyUsernameIs · 19/10/2026 17:48

I don’t think anyone is served by using labels like avoidant. I doubt any/many men use them, but some women tie themselves into absolute knots trying to excuse the behaviour of an ill-mannered prick.