Dating an avoidant

[RageBates]

Don't really know what my question is...I guess I just need to get this off my chest.

My boyfriend is entirely conflict-avoidant and maybe even generally avoidant, emotionally. Obviously I don't want to be arguing either, but I mean there are times he will flee because he suspects we're going to argue, because we've disagreed.
It's almost like he goes into flight/flight and just goes...but he can't see that in doing so, he's actually doing more harm than good.

I don't believe I'm an unreasonable person. I don't shout, I'm not unkind or aggressive.

He is VERY opinionated and it's almost like when I disagree with his opinion, or question his thinking, he then gets annoyed and walks off.
He'll then ignore me for hours. If i message or try to call, he will ignore me.
I'm aware it's not healthy and I'm definitely starting to see it as a red flag for stonewalling/control.

Today he told me I "turn everything into an argument" which is untrue. I don't.
I just think he can't cope with me having a different opinion to him.

I'm not chasing him. He can fuck himself right now to be honest!

😂 definitely going to use this one!

I haven't though.

I wrote the post and then have come back to it at various intervals when I would've otherwise been doomscrolling.

I was surprised by how regulated I was when it happened. I don't know whether that's good or a cause for concern (in that I've got used to his communication, or lack of, style)

I'm not messaging again.
If I never hear from him again (unlikely) then I'll survive... I've survived worse!

That's good to hear.

I really don't think there's anyone else.

Just that he's impatient and then petulant when challenged.

My life is good and peaceful overall though, so I am okay!

He sounds like a controlling and argumentative prick OP. He is like this in non stressful every day situations, how will he cope in a harder situation or where you have more substantial relationship issues? I would bin him off.

This way madness lies. Dump him.

when I disagree with his opinion, or question his thinking, he then gets annoyed

This is problematic and you know it. He makes you feel crazy and confused, the red flags arent' something you see and sit down next to.

This will ruin a decade of your life and make you completely unable to trust anyone in future if you let it. End it. It's not healthy. You don't need to diagnose him as an avoidant, or whatever else, stop that. It's not necessary or helpful for you.

You just need to know how it feels, do you feel like approaching, or avoiding? That is information and you owe it to yourself to listen to that "avoid" when it happens, not going back and back for more. He will wreck you, don't do this to yourself.

Yuk. Who has spare life to waste on a stroppy man?

Highly likely he wanted to be somewhere else (watching sports, meeting buddies?) Plus didn't want to treat you. A la poubelle!

I didn't expect him to. We generally always pay for ourselves anyway, so there was no expectation on my part that he would pay for my brunch.

Did he text you again?

I would just totally blank him now, he’s made his bed and clearly behaves this way to make you chase him and beg him and then be so relieved when he finally contacts you that the original bad behaviour gets lost in the relief and he gets away with it.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of succeeding.

Here's your answer it shouldn't be this hard.. walk away ..you'll ne er beable to be yourself.

I agree..
I also thought that it was a case of he says you are making an argument out of everything.... but he's making an argument out of your attempts to discuss things.

Also mid 40's and he can't have a minor disagreement without days of giving you the cold shoulder. That is punishing you as @dodobookends says

Don't even contact him. Never message when he storms off as you're giving him an opportunity to ignore you. He's a five-star tosser so cut him out of your life and move on.

Honey he’s not avoidant he’s just abusive.

The attachment theory was developed using TODDLERS. It is pseudo science. It’s no different from an online personality test.

What you are actually talking about is someone controlling who is managing down your expectations so that you feel like the bad guy for calling out his shitty behaviour. It has nothing to do with avoidance. It is all about control.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse designed to coerce you. And to drive you crazy.

Dump him by text and block him.
Change your locks if he’s ever had access to your home.

When I was single, I would not continue dating someone that couldn't have discussions about anything. Run for the hills

I had never heard of this before right now. I just realised I'm married to one! Truthfully, I wouldn't recommend it. Feels a bit like living half a life with emotions always being so stunted.

Thank you.

That's my fear. That it's abuse.

I have given him so many excuses over our time together... he's busy, he's allowed space, he owes me nothing etc...but what I've noticed is he doesn't seem to give a fuck about the distress he causes me or the confusion he creates. It's an absolutely horrendous dynamic and one where I'm left feeling confused, frustrated and worthless.

This is not the version of love that I want.

What a bloody waste of my time..fed up with the lessons, I just want someone to love me in the same way I love them 😥

Thank you.

Yes it's quite confusing to have someone that's seemingly an adult..yet behaves like a child in so many ways.

Yes that’s always something important to pay attention to, when you do all you can to think about their feelings and why they feel or act as they do and find ourself trying your best to accommodate them BUT they don’t do the same for you. You always try to assume the best in them and that they have fair reason for how they are acting but they always assume you have nefarious reasons for your behaviour, even things that probably wouldn’t be an issue for someone else.

Nasty people usually come at things from that stance. They make out you are bad, devious, lying, disloyal, needy or whatever else. Because THEY are.

Any relationship where you are labelling your boyfriend an "avoidant" or wondering what his "attachment-style" is not a good one.

In a good relationship, you think "This is nice!" "I feel happy!" "I fancy him/her!" not "mmm... is his attachment style avoidant or anxious or ambivalent?"

Rather than considering his attachment style, consider whether you want to be attached (emotionally and physically) to him. It really shouldn't be this difficult.

DUMP (If you can find him to dump him, as he is avoiding the conflict...)

Well yes, I absolutely do want to be attached to him.

I fancy him very much. We have fun together and I feel safe in his presence.
That's what makes it so confusing that when he's upset or angry, he just goes radio silence and I don't understand why, or how he can think it's a fair way to behave.

I can’t bear this whole ‘avoidant’ nonsense. It is just rebranding of shitty behaviour. There no need to work him out or make allowance- just dump. No one on earth is worth trying yourself in knots over.

Just dump him, @RageBates. The reason you want him so much is because you have become addicted to the rush of him pulling you in (being kind, being fun) then throwing you away (being avoidant, being unpleasant), then pulling you in again. It is SO unhealthy. It feels like love/passion/desire but it isn't.
The very first time he did this you should have said, "OK, this behavior isn't okay. I need to be with an adult who I can discuss things with, even difficult things, so we are done..." and off you should have trotted.
Who has time for this rubbish?
You need an adult, not an impossible fixer-upper-project.

Agree. He doesn’t sound ‘avoidant’. Do you actually know what that means? He just sounds controlling. I’m sure they can overlap but it doesn’t seem so in this case.

People chuck words around these days without fully knowing the weight of them.

Anyway. He sounds like an arse; throw this one back.

I mean I’m tempted to say you could pair things back and just keep him as a for-fun friend. Just make it clear that you won’t ever move in or marry him etc…

But realistically if he’s some sort of abusive…they always find a way to create some drama and they are desperate to always have the upper hand, in a battle you were not even aware you were part of. It’s exhausting. Best to cut him loose.

Especially if there are already feelings as it would be difficult to keep him at the appropriate arms length.