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Why am I jealous of my wife's reading material?

81 replies

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 15:03

Why am I jealous that my wife reads smut? Well she watches tv shows based on smut books, reads them and has the audiobook app. I've read on the Internet that its escapism and that it should be a good thing, that her fantasies may work there way into our intimacy, but here's the kicker. We havent had intimacy in 4+ years. Only twice since our 6yr old was conceived. When I try to bring up my concerns, im told she doesnt want to talk about it. She tells me she has zero libido, or desire to have sex. So how can she love everything about sex apart from the actual act. At this point it must be me, i feel so deflated. All opinions welcome and any help appreciated.

OP posts:
titchy · 19/10/2026 15:09

Smut books that are also tv shows? Ooh like what?

I assume you do your share of childcare, mental load, housework, tell her you think she’s amazing, arrange date nights etc?

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 15:19

Your partner telling you that they have no libido, while consistently consuming erotic content, should concern you - because they're explicitly lying to you.

Even putting that aside, being intimate twice in four years with no communication/negotiation, is neither normal or okay.

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 15:20

My wife works a high stress job that she loves, im the main care giver for our child. I do all the cooking, laundry, shopping and tidying etc. oh and im also the earner, roughly double her annual salary. Because of her job I also do the school run (25mins away from home) both ways. I do about 90% of the birthday party's. I tell her shes beautiful all the time

OP posts:
speakball · 19/10/2026 15:23

have you spoken to her about the lack of sex? is she aware you’re hurting?

RomeoRivers · 19/10/2026 15:24

She’s not being honest about her libido. You need to ask her what’s really going on.

ForTipsyFinch · 19/10/2026 15:24

Well, she clearly doesn’t want to have sex with you, who knows why this is? A variation of this is posted here weekly and I can’t help but feel there’s more appropriate avenues for it.

monkeysee15 · 19/10/2026 15:30

titchy · 19/10/2026 15:09

Smut books that are also tv shows? Ooh like what?

I assume you do your share of childcare, mental load, housework, tell her you think she’s amazing, arrange date nights etc?

Off the top of my head I can think of Heated rivalry and off campus

KermitsABadInfluence · 19/10/2026 15:36

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 15:20

My wife works a high stress job that she loves, im the main care giver for our child. I do all the cooking, laundry, shopping and tidying etc. oh and im also the earner, roughly double her annual salary. Because of her job I also do the school run (25mins away from home) both ways. I do about 90% of the birthday party's. I tell her shes beautiful all the time

Edited

Theres no shortage of guys on here who do 90% of everything, who are the breadwinner, and shower their wife with compliments and affection yet their wives don't want to shag them despite them being perfect.

Maybe try to AS some of those threads and there will be a lot of advice, or you could chat to the ops of them.

LifeTakeTwo · 19/10/2026 15:42

Sometimes is really just as simple as.. she doesn't fancy you. Has the ick.

It's unexplainable sometimes. But the thought of have sex with a certain someone just gives you the ick. The attraction is gone.

Doesn't matter what they look like, attraction can just die.

If that IS the case then its the begining of the end unless you agree to remain celibate or an open relationship of some sort. Once it's gone it's gone I it's attraction/the ick.

Sometimes it's really not about housework or resentment or anything deeper. Just not fancying your partner anymore. It happens.

The thing to take away from that if that's the reason is that its not your fault or something you've done. There will be someone else somewhere who wants to jump your bones. So it's not that you are not attractive, just that they don't find you attractive.

Hope you can get to the bottom of it.

HouseBee · 19/10/2026 16:03

My own personal experience is that you can read erotica and have no libido.

You can also read erotica and not be attracted by your partner. It’s not because you have some libido that you automatically will be attracted by your DP.

Theres no way to say whether it’s one or the other from the outside.

Id be more concerned about the fact she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Because this means she is feeling unsafe. Unsafe to tell you what’s going on and what your reaction will be.
This can be because of her own past experiences, your behaviour or a mix of the two. Likely a mix.

As a starting point, you might want to take sex out of the equation completely and Concentrate on creating emotional intimacy. Spend time together. Listen to her. Show you are listening (I dint know, like she is saying she is exhausted today and you automatically take over cooking and bed time?). Dint wait fur her to ask fur help. See things that needs to be done and do them.
starting frim the fact you need emotional intimacy fur her to want to have sex with you is a good starting point imo.

Hellohelga · 19/10/2026 16:08

Not another man on MN moaning about not getting enough sex???

pulpJarvis · 19/10/2026 16:10

Hellohelga · 19/10/2026 16:08

Not another man on MN moaning about not getting enough sex???

Well it isn't enough sex. I'd be reconsidering the relationship to be honest.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 16:18

She has told you that she doesn't want to have sex with you so take that off the table and stop expecting that to magically change. She doesn't have to have any sex that she doesn't want to and she can read what she likes.

Equally you don't have to stay in a sexless relationship with her if you don't want to. Instead of trying to change her, focus instead on what kind of life you want for yourself.

You can stay and accept that you will not be having sex within the relationship or you can leave and find another relationship that suits you better. The choice is entirely yours.

Boomer55 · 19/10/2026 16:20

It does sound a bit odd not to want sex for that long, but you need to speak to her.

If she doesn't ever want sex again, then you have a choice. Live like that or leave.

Sunbringer · 19/10/2026 16:32

Because you view your wife’s sexuality only as something that serves your desire. You don’t want your wife to feel desire unless you’re central to it.

AltitudeCheck · 19/10/2026 16:36

It is possible to enjoy reading/ watching something racey with actually wanting sex so it don't mean she's lying to you about having no libido. Erotica is a way to connect to your sexual side with zero pressure whereas, when intimacy is missing from a relationship and you know the other person wants it, every conversation/ touch can feel like pressure which is the biggest turn off.

Sodthesystem · 19/10/2026 16:36

Smut has build up. Sex itself…can sometimes be a bit…mechanical. Just one possibility as to why she isn’t into it. Also two words: orgasm gap. Did she enjoy sex when you were having it?

Have you had the snip if you don’t want more kids? If not, why not? Because worry about getting knocked up can properly put people off sex too. If I had a baby tear its way outa my hooha, I wouldn’t go near a man’s bits ever again quite frankly. So I can’t blame her. Have you taken care of this issue?

Or is she still on birth control, which on its own can cause issues.

Of course the high stress job can contribute too. As could things like peri menopause. Or maybe she’s just not that into you anymore unfortunately.

Sorry to be harsh.
Personally I’d leave. She doesn’t owe you sex but you also shouldn’t stay in a sexless relationship.

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 16:43

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 16:18

She has told you that she doesn't want to have sex with you so take that off the table and stop expecting that to magically change. She doesn't have to have any sex that she doesn't want to and she can read what she likes.

Equally you don't have to stay in a sexless relationship with her if you don't want to. Instead of trying to change her, focus instead on what kind of life you want for yourself.

You can stay and accept that you will not be having sex within the relationship or you can leave and find another relationship that suits you better. The choice is entirely yours.

Im genuinely not trying to change her. Im trying to understand her with this post. Im not here to ask advice on sex, im asking for advice on what it all means. I dont want to lose her, sex or not, but am I holding her back?

OP posts:
SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 16:44

AltitudeCheck · 19/10/2026 16:36

It is possible to enjoy reading/ watching something racey with actually wanting sex so it don't mean she's lying to you about having no libido. Erotica is a way to connect to your sexual side with zero pressure whereas, when intimacy is missing from a relationship and you know the other person wants it, every conversation/ touch can feel like pressure which is the biggest turn off.

Would you same the same to a woman whose husband refused to have sex for years, but consistently consumed porn / instagram sex content?

She has libido, just not for him.

Undones · 19/10/2026 16:46

monkeysee15 · 19/10/2026 15:30

Off the top of my head I can think of Heated rivalry and off campus

Yes very good.
Also kinnporch.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/10/2026 16:50

Goodness.
Another thread from a man who says he isn't getting enough sex.
Hmm

AltitudeCheck · 19/10/2026 16:53

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 16:44

Would you same the same to a woman whose husband refused to have sex for years, but consistently consumed porn / instagram sex content?

She has libido, just not for him.

Possibly.

I have no desire to have sex with anyone but I still fantasise / masturbate.

Mom2K · 19/10/2026 16:54

pulpJarvis · 19/10/2026 16:10

Well it isn't enough sex. I'd be reconsidering the relationship to be honest.

Honestly this ^^

A partner who unilaterally decides to change a fundamental element of the relationship and refuses to even discuss it would definitely have me rethinking the relationship.

No one should have to have sex they don't want to have obviously...but they don't get to shut down the conversation entirely with no regard to how the other person feels.

SilenceLaySteadily · 19/10/2026 16:57

AltitudeCheck · 19/10/2026 16:53

Possibly.

I have no desire to have sex with anyone but I still fantasise / masturbate.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, in any way. But (and I could be wrong, but) I'd assume you wouldn't tell a partner that you have no libido while you're doing it.

moderate · 19/10/2026 17:02

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 16:43

Im genuinely not trying to change her. Im trying to understand her with this post. Im not here to ask advice on sex, im asking for advice on what it all means. I dont want to lose her, sex or not, but am I holding her back?

Im trying to understand her with this post
Im not here to ask advice on sex

Okay, but what if the key to understanding involves you receiving advice on sex with an open mind?