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Why am I jealous of my wife's reading material?

81 replies

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 15:03

Why am I jealous that my wife reads smut? Well she watches tv shows based on smut books, reads them and has the audiobook app. I've read on the Internet that its escapism and that it should be a good thing, that her fantasies may work there way into our intimacy, but here's the kicker. We havent had intimacy in 4+ years. Only twice since our 6yr old was conceived. When I try to bring up my concerns, im told she doesnt want to talk about it. She tells me she has zero libido, or desire to have sex. So how can she love everything about sex apart from the actual act. At this point it must be me, i feel so deflated. All opinions welcome and any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/10/2026 18:30

I largely skim over the sex
scenes in romantasy. I find them boring. I’m there for the plot.

Smokeywater · 19/10/2026 18:38

Perhaps she has another man

notspringingback · 19/10/2026 18:44

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 17:27

I don't think it's an irrelevance TBH - given the OP said his wife had a stressful job and he was doing much of the childcare, one might reasonably ask if his wife feels under too much pressure being the main earner (if that was the case) and that could be affecting her sex-drive.

She's not the main earner, he is. According to him he's doing everything and getting nothing. So I don't see why he wants to stay with her.

I know she is not the main earner (because he told us). My point was that had he not told us (he was getting flack for mentioning it) then people might have reasonably assumed she was given his mention of a stressful job and the fact he does most of the childcare.

TheLastSilverSaint · 19/10/2026 18:47

LOL at how different the responses are when it's a man whose wife won't have sex but constantly reads erotica, in comparison to responses when it's a woman whose husband won't have sex but follows lots of models on Instagram.

If it was the other way round, the responses would be 'He's too busy wanking to pictures of glamour models and he can't get it up for normal sex any more, dump him, life's too short for a sexless marriage'. But when it's a man posting the equivalent dilemma, he gets 'It's probably your fault for not doing household chores, deal with it'.

Also people always say 'Have you asked her why?' despite the fact that the OP almost invariably makes it clear that he's asked her and she either refuses to discuss it or insists that a sexless marriage is normal.

TheLastSilverSaint · 19/10/2026 18:47

Ponderingwindow · 19/10/2026 18:30

I largely skim over the sex
scenes in romantasy. I find them boring. I’m there for the plot.

Have a medal, then.

But it's not really relevant to the OP's dilemma.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 18:50

Reading erotica and following actual women are two completely different things. In any case, my take is the same. If someone doesn't want to have sex, they don't have to.

But OP has clarified that is not what this thread is about. He doesn't want to change her or leave the relationship so I'm not sure what he is asking really.

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 18:54

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 18:24

She's not interested in sex with him, that is clear. And he says he doesn't want to change that.

So what I'm wondering is, what is the point of the thread?. It's all sounds very odd to me.

Im not saying I dont want it to change. Im just not willing to change her for my benefit. I really need a ton of people's experiences and thoughts to see what to do next. Im insanely jealous of the books she reads. Which was my main point. Is that because of the lack of physical intimacy, more than likely.

OP posts:
HurdyGurdy19 · 19/10/2026 18:58

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/10/2026 16:50

Goodness.
Another thread from a man who says he isn't getting enough sex.
Hmm

Well, given the information he has shared in his post, do you disagree?

Happyjoe · 19/10/2026 18:58

I don't think her reading & tv material is really all that relevant. I mean, I love James Bond but no desire to be a secret agent. I think to be worried about that may be doing the situation a disservice, it is just escapism for her for whatever reason.

If she won't have sex, won't talk about it properly, won't work to resolving the issue and you're unhappy then you have a choice to live like this or to leave. Find a partner who is willing to connect with you.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2026 19:00

Im not saying I dont want it to change. Im just not willing to change her for my benefit.

That makes no sense. Are you seriously saying that you posted for advice on how to deal with being jealous of books?

Freedom29 · 19/10/2026 19:02

Can you say what you mean by smut? Hard to say whether it’s relevant if we don’t know whether you mean hardcore erotica or Jilly Cooper.

wildnwilde · 19/10/2026 19:15

Hellohelga · 19/10/2026 16:08

Not another man on MN moaning about not getting enough sex???

He's allowed to moan I would in his position
Once again another man hater waning to wear a pair of bollocks for earings cos a man has voiced his needs. Bore off

Wallaseyite · 19/10/2026 19:20

I'm no expert OP but I'm familiar with a sexless relationship. 👊👊

I'd say her fantasy stuff is her hanging on to some semblance, some corner of a sex life - as others have said, an entirely unproblematic version. Do you happen to know if she ever masturbates when watching/listening? - ie has sexual activity stopped across the board, or just with you?

In your position - which I'm in - I wouldn't have been happy being told "I don't want to talk about it." We did eventually talk & I now know what the issues were/are & basically it's the jolly old menopause and insecurity about her body. She just doesn't consider herself sexual anymore, and there's no fantasy stuff going on. And I now have an entirely solo sex life - not ideal but not the worst thing either.

We're in our 60s now & sex ended maybe 12 years ago. We're happy together in lots of other ways, I'd be lost without her so I've never considered leaving over this. You sound a lot younger but I'm guessing you don't want to leave either. Would she consider couples therapy? Or solo therapy if she'd feel more comfortable with that.

That's the crucial question here: you're really sad about this, but how does she feel about that - ie you being sad? Does it ever bother her? I think you two should at least try to rekindle things; after all young kids are the most efficient anaphrodisiac in the world. Me & DW nearly juddered to a halt sexually once before, in our early 30s after our first two DCs, through exhaustion, distraction & the sheer impossibility of getting sexy amid nappy bins & baby paraphernalia. I kept it alive - just - with "quick sex" ideas, Sex For Tired People, basically low-effort non-PIV quickies featuring a lot of, guess what, fantasy talk. Don't give up just yet. 👊👊👊

Autumnalhibernationisthedream · 19/10/2026 19:24

Maybe with the baby there’s issues down there and now she’s afraid? Maybe it’s sore or maybe she is just exhausted and the reading: watching just happen to be what she likes in the same way patch true crime but have no desire to murder people! Also I hate the term smut , heard someone calling bridgerton this the other day, surely there’s a better name?!

UjNev · 19/10/2026 20:16

TheLastSilverSaint · 19/10/2026 18:47

LOL at how different the responses are when it's a man whose wife won't have sex but constantly reads erotica, in comparison to responses when it's a woman whose husband won't have sex but follows lots of models on Instagram.

If it was the other way round, the responses would be 'He's too busy wanking to pictures of glamour models and he can't get it up for normal sex any more, dump him, life's too short for a sexless marriage'. But when it's a man posting the equivalent dilemma, he gets 'It's probably your fault for not doing household chores, deal with it'.

Also people always say 'Have you asked her why?' despite the fact that the OP almost invariably makes it clear that he's asked her and she either refuses to discuss it or insists that a sexless marriage is normal.

I don't see why men even come here for advice on sex, the 'advice' they receive is in the main bitter and hateful

UjNev · 19/10/2026 20:16

Freedom29 · 19/10/2026 19:02

Can you say what you mean by smut? Hard to say whether it’s relevant if we don’t know whether you mean hardcore erotica or Jilly Cooper.

It will be Heated Rivalry, 100%

tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2026 20:45

HouseBee · 19/10/2026 18:18

How can you say she has taken tge OP for a mug?
Do you have any idea on how he is around her?
Any idea of the backstory he isnt mentioning? Like pressuring her after the birth of their dd when she wasn’t ready.
Any idea on whether there is any emotional intimacy in their couple?
What sort of sex they both enjoy?

Saying ‘she is taking you fir a mug’ is a huge leap you simply can’t do

Hence me saying if everything is as OP says Reverse the sexes and the replies would be very different. He's earning most of the money, doing most of the childcare and chores

OMGDidYouSayThat · 19/10/2026 21:26

She’s friend zoned you and is looking to get her kicks from fantasy, on one hand it’s better than cheating, on the other hand you’re a ghost in your own marriage like i am and i know it hurts like hell. Sorry mate like you i have no idea how to fix it without leaving.

moderate · 19/10/2026 21:29

TheLastSilverSaint · 19/10/2026 18:47

LOL at how different the responses are when it's a man whose wife won't have sex but constantly reads erotica, in comparison to responses when it's a woman whose husband won't have sex but follows lots of models on Instagram.

If it was the other way round, the responses would be 'He's too busy wanking to pictures of glamour models and he can't get it up for normal sex any more, dump him, life's too short for a sexless marriage'. But when it's a man posting the equivalent dilemma, he gets 'It's probably your fault for not doing household chores, deal with it'.

Also people always say 'Have you asked her why?' despite the fact that the OP almost invariably makes it clear that he's asked her and she either refuses to discuss it or insists that a sexless marriage is normal.

Also people always say 'Have you asked her why?' despite the fact that the OP almost invariably makes it clear that he's asked her and she either refuses to discuss it or insists that a sexless marriage is normal.

I asked him about how the sex used to be and he studiously ignored the question.

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 19/10/2026 21:35

@WallaceinAnderlandIt sounds a bit like she might be using this as a release like in porn addiction. Especially if she’s in a high stress job. She’s essentially outsourcing her sex drive to these books and shows rather than directing it to you, and each time she does it reinforces the psychological loop. Could you try speaking to a couples therapist or sex therapist? How is the rest of your relationship?

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 22:03

moderate · 19/10/2026 21:29

Also people always say 'Have you asked her why?' despite the fact that the OP almost invariably makes it clear that he's asked her and she either refuses to discuss it or insists that a sexless marriage is normal.

I asked him about how the sex used to be and he studiously ignored the question.

Sorry I must have missed this, the sex used to be great. Think honeymoon period sex for 8 years before It started to slow down, then stopped after conception. I didn't mean to ignore the question, I missed a few posts.

OP posts:
moderate · 19/10/2026 22:06

Soggyshoe · 19/10/2026 22:03

Sorry I must have missed this, the sex used to be great. Think honeymoon period sex for 8 years before It started to slow down, then stopped after conception. I didn't mean to ignore the question, I missed a few posts.

I that case I think you need to insist she goes to joint counselling. But if you’re not yet at the stage where you would consider leaving the relationship then I don’t know how you would make this stick.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 19/10/2026 22:13

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2026 17:36

This.
Most women do want and love sex. If they stop, it’s because the attraction is gone. But with a new man they would be swinging from the chandelier.

Yes I totally relate to this- and then when things are nice and settled and sorted any he’s not going anywhere it wears off again and frankly cannot be arsed …or maybe that’s just me
(Still DTD tho -eroding someone’s confidence /enforcing celibacy in a LTR or marriage like that is cruel beating belief in my book

ScrollingLeaves · 19/10/2026 22:32

Is what she’s watching actually smut? Or is it romance with romantic sex?

If romance, then she needs an emotional and mental connection.

Alarae · 19/10/2026 22:37

UjNev · 19/10/2026 20:16

It will be Heated Rivalry, 100%

I would have guessed the ACOTAR (A Court of Thorn and Roses) series. Feels very much the gateway into smut.

OP, it is difficult. This is one of those times when you need the communication, and perhaps couples counselling is the answer. Maybe because she focusses so much energy on her work, she just doesn’t have anything left to give when she gets home? Not saying that is right or wrong of her, but that’s not exactly a healthy partnership. She should really make some efforts on her end, even if it isn’t completely 50:50 (due to other stressors). Feeling wanted is important in a marriage, otherwise it can just lead to resentment.