What would you do? No sex but he's masturbating?

[AcrosstheBorder]

New boyfriend, age 45, I'm 38. It's 3 months in and he can't get an erection. He says it isn't me, it's him.

This has happened a few times. He does have some health issues that could be contributing to it, however.

But there's another however. I've been snooping on his Facebook and Instagram. He won't add me on there, he has my FB page. I didn't care as he said he wasn't a big user.

Newsflash... he's following loads of random attractive women. On FB and Instagram and then linking to their YouTube videos as well. They have a specific "look" that I don't.

I've asked him about it and he says I have nothing to worry about, they mean nothing, that he has been single for ages and he just likes that look. He was really ashamed and embarrassed. He said he would do something about it.

Three weeks later and he has added new women. I need to leave, don't I?

Leaving the exact circumstances aside, I would take it as a red flag that's he's agreed to address something that upset you but has actually done the complete opposite.

Ogling the women - I don’t like it but think you’d be hard pushed to find a man that doesn’t. Some just hide it better than others.

But as the previous poster says, you’ve raised an issue and done the exact opposite of what he said he would do. That’s a very big red flag, and so early on.

How do you know he’s masturbating though? Are you just guessing?

He told me he still masturbates, all the time when he was single, which has been over 3 years. He says he's still in the habit.... despite me....

Masturbating when in a relationship isn't an issue, IMO. I don't know what's going on with his erection issues, that sounds complicated. But honestly I really feel like the big issue here is trust, not anything specific to sex.

Leave him for this. Honestly it’s such an ick. I have no problem with masturbating, it’s going behind your back and the random women.

Yeah leave. He will also be watching a lot of porn. Undoubtedly. Move on.

So many women nowadays just accept it.

I am in a similar situation op. Sex life lacking but know for a fact dh has an only fans account. What complicates it with us is that he has a specific kink that he is quite embarrassed about and i have no interest in. He also has some ED issues. So it isn’t a straightforward thing, there’s lots to unpick and the communication around it is so poor i’ve almost given up trying to figure it out and improve things.

If your dp has ED issues he could be watching porn to try and enhance is libido, doesn’t necessarily mean he is masturbating at the expense of your sex life. Regardless, i often think it shouldn’t be this much hard work and had i known how complex and tense things would become between us regarding sex i may have thought twice in the early days. As it stands we have kids and commitments, not easy to leave especially when everything else is good. But if this is a relatively new thing then think hard as resentment will creep in.

Yes, you need to leave.
He’s got health issues? Red flag. 🚩
He regularly masturbates? Well that’s what blokes do but many don’t need media to help that along. Red flag. 🚩
You’ve snooped on his phone. No problem but the trust is gone. Red flag. 🚩

Sounds like too much hard work with this guy.
Chuck him back. It’s not working for you!

So, a few things here.

Masturbating is normal, end of story. Masturbating in a relationship with intimacy issues / lack of sex is pretty normal too. Not addressing it, is not.

Given he masturbates fine, the great likelihood is that it's anxiety issues on his part (which is common if he's had a significant single period), but that is his issue to address. Buy some little blue pills to give him an extra prompt, and there's a good chance that the effect of that will bridge the gap.

Secondly, following tons of women on social (if its both active - not things that pre-date you - for the sole reason of looking at them, and not because of shared sport/interest) is just fucking cringey. Personally, I would find that extremely unattractive, say so, and expect him to delete them. That is not an unreasonable ask, at all.

But if they do pre-date you, and he isn't an active social media user, then I wouldn't prompt it. That will come across as worryingly insecure.

I wouldn’t!

Porn addiction and the death grip when masturbating causes ED with real-life intimacy, this is the first thing I would suspect.

So sorry your new bf is behaving this way. The lack of trust & his preference for his hand rather than you are both big enough issues to end this, especially as it is a new one.
I speak as someone who’s DH’s porn habit only came to light a year or so after our marriage. It never lessened, despite a healthy sex life. In fact it became a bigger part of his life & destroyed my self confidence.
Think really hard about whether you want to continue having a relationship with this man.

Bloke. I don't follow women on SM to ogle them, never have, never going to. Just too sad. And now that particular "look" he likes has become the only thing he can reliably get aroused by. It's conditioning, like Pavlov's dogs. And he's intensifying it. Essentially, a form of porn addiction. For you guys to have a future, he needs to do what all addicts need to do: admit the problem & get help to kick the habit.

3 months in? Time to move on.

I’d find it really unattractive that he’s liking influencer women’s pictures on insta. But I’d be fine about him wanking and with porn use. Unless he’s completely addicted (I think most men / people are somewhat addicted tbh). My issue would be that he can’t get an erection so can’t satisfy sexually and that would be a reason for me not to continue with a relationship.

I would say farewell. This man is not capable of any healthy relationship that I am interested in. He sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Highly likely he has a porn addiction and sees women as objects. Whilst I wouldn't say there is a massive abundance there are definitely men that don't view women like this. Don't oggle don't follow millions of women.
Life is too short to settle.

Thank you. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Your advice is very helpful. I will not continue a future with this person.

Thank you for your helpful reply.

Sex addiction- excessive masturbation can lead to erectile dysfunction as it becomes harder to stimulate and maintain arousal or is so locked into specific associations of arousal it just doesn’t happen outside of that.

He needs psychosexual therapy and you need to move on.

You’ve only been seeing him for three months. Why is this even a quandary? You just dump him, surely? How did it even get to three months?!

I first thought he was a nice person... now not so much 🤔But we only very recently started to get physical, in like the third month.

Only 3 months in, definitely move on! You shouldn’t be having doubts like this at this early stage.

Get rid of him he's no use to a young healthy woman like you .

He can't stop wanking.

Death grip - HUGE PROBLEM amongst men nowadays, and one of the reasons I refuse to date the tossers. Most of the men I dated in my mid 30's onwards had the same issue. The last dickhead got aggressive with me because we weren't having the vigorous type of sex he preferred (he had ED, so trying vigorous sex with a soft penis isn't exactly going to happen, is it). These losers invariably try to shove their issues onto us, and it's just fucking miserable.

Defo end it and let him wank himself to death, OP.