What would you do? No sex but he's masturbating?

[AcrosstheBorder]

New boyfriend, age 45, I'm 38. It's 3 months in and he can't get an erection. He says it isn't me, it's him.

This has happened a few times. He does have some health issues that could be contributing to it, however.

But there's another however. I've been snooping on his Facebook and Instagram. He won't add me on there, he has my FB page. I didn't care as he said he wasn't a big user.

Newsflash... he's following loads of random attractive women. On FB and Instagram and then linking to their YouTube videos as well. They have a specific "look" that I don't.

I've asked him about it and he says I have nothing to worry about, they mean nothing, that he has been single for ages and he just likes that look. He was really ashamed and embarrassed. He said he would do something about it.

Three weeks later and he has added new women. I need to leave, don't I?

God this is so depressing. Have been with a few men with death grip issues and have ended up feeling somewhat inadequate as a result. Awful really. Very sad.

Same! There are so many of them. It's an epidemic; they have no ability to self-regulate on any level. They can't control their wanking or emotions, it's terrible really.

I'll translate "you have nothing to worry about" for you.

You very much have something to worry about if you want a sex life and to keep your self esteem.

💐💐💐

Also same.

They seem to think if they keep trying a new woman it will eventually work.

Get rid of him and find a man for whom wanking isn’t central to his life.

Three weeks later and he has added new women. I need to leave, don't I?

You’ve answered your own question OP.

3 months in??? Honest my mind boggles sometimes. Chuck this one back out to sea

It doesn’t matter if he’s a nice person. That’s not a reason to date someone.

Dump him. And raise your standards.

If this is just the start of your relationship imagine what it would look like in a couple of years, do yourself a favour and find a decent guy that will also stand to attention for you x

He’s been using porn to get off to for ages by the sounds of it and, unfortunately, this leads to - what others have described - death grip, meaning he will struggle to get an erection etc. with a real woman! I met someone on Tinder like this - he just couldn’t get hard and actually finished himself off laid next to me (with his bloody hand)! It wasn’t me as never had this issue before. It just fizzled out. We still message every now and then but we have never met again and he remained single - he’s 56 now (was 52 when I dated him). Not sure he watched porn but he definitely did too much wanking (had never married).

Teen boys need to be warned about this and that they won’t be able to do it for a real life woman 😂.

Honestly OP
I would dump him!
This is a new relationship! He should be all over you not his hand!! The fact hes looking at other women and won't add you to his socials as well is a major red flag
He could be the nicest guy on the planet, but he's doing himself no favours here.
So many men rely on porn without seeing the bigger picture!
You deserve better.

Or maybe that the new woman won't want sex at all. Won't care about porn etc.

I'm sure there are women out there who aren't bothered by this, but not a single one of my friends think it's acceptable behaviour at all.

I's humiliating, embarrassing and insulting.

Yes it is all of those things and it is fixable if they want to put the effort in.

Unfortunately it's easier to externalise and move on to the next unfortunate woman.

I've ended it. By a one liner text. And immediately blocked him. He doesn't deserve any further access to my time or energy.

I don't want to hear anything more from him now and even if he offered to do something about it, which I don't think he will given the last time, when he basically lied to me, and kept doing it, while I've spent many frustrated nights next to him, the sheer audacity of his behaviour has given me the full on, serious ick now. The fact that he thinks he can have what is basically a totally separate sex life to me while he strings me along, thinking I'm not good enough, not his type, buying nice new underwear, suggesting things like a weekend away, effectively tricking me with his nice guy act.

It feels like I've been conned.

Quit already.

.... post-edit... On his Instagram and Facebook, he was also following his ex of three years ago and liking all her posy photos in tight jeans. Whilst I was coming onto him in my sexy black lingerie and stripper shoes 😂

I was out the other night and a mutual friend of a friend said oh, I know who you are, you're X's girlfriend. Y said he had a very attractive girlfriend".

Phew, that made me feel a lot better about myself. I had convinced myself I no longer had it! It's not me, it's HIM!

Good decision OP, it would damage your self esteem in the long run. I’ve actually just ended my relationship for very similar reasons (although we had multiple other issues too). We’re both 50 and I found he was following loads of 20 somethings with OF accounts on his public instagram profile. As well as feeling disrespected I also just couldn’t look at him the same way and find him rather repulsive and grubby now.

After just three months, I think you’ve made the right choice OP. Did he recognise he might have a problem to address?

I’ve recently found out that My DH masterbates to porn about three times a week - and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

It doesn’t make me feel inferior because we still have a good sex life and to some degree I don’t think for a minute I could keep up with four times a week, but still 😩

I think so too. He did admit to having a problem, said he would try to do better. But lied. And kept on doing it.

Sorry you've discovered that about your husband. I think most men and women masturbate, probably men need to more. For me personally, it wouldn't be anywhere near as bad if I had a sex life with him. If we were having sex a few times a week, or even once a week and then he was using porn. But not the following and liking and seeking out and basically excluding me from that side of him. Keeping it a secret.

I'm not really pro or anti porn. It's when it takes over.

I would prefer to meet a man who didn't use it all, though... or very rarely.

These men have no shame. There was a time when the top shelf magazines were bought furtively and then taken home in a bag, all hidden away. There's just this ultra open attitude to it all. Not saying anything good or bad about the magazines either, but when they take up all the sexual energy the man has to offer, then why is he even bothering to seek a relationship in the first place?

Oh yes, lonely..... needing a cook, cleaner, sock washer and nurse in old age. No.... nooooooo....... if you need help now matey, ask Alina or Katrina online to pop over. I'm sure they'll be round in a flash... not....

I'm my experience a fetish or porn addict.

It's not going to get better. You need to just leave honestly. You're too young to go without sex ever again. Move on.

I understand his embarrassment and habitual masterbation. I have issues with him saying he would address the situation and he hasn’t. It suggests dishonesty and possible addiction.
What are his special type of women like?

Usually blonde and very thin. Latex outfits sometimes. Sometimes suspenders. I have worn all the sexy underwear but it has made no difference. I think he likes very young, very blonde. And some cruelty aspects.... some domination.

Well done for ending it.
Sadly, this seems to be a growing issue and I do wonder about the decreasing quality of relationships (for women) due to issues like this.