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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to handle son walking out of our lives.

54 replies

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 15:28

DS is mid 20s, he has lived away since uni but comes home all the time as he has always been close to his siblings and shares a hobby with his dad.
He lives with a girlfriend and they constantly bicker and end up not speaking. When she comes to our home for the weekend things are fraught between them. She has had some extreme mental health needs in the past and struggles with work issues to the point she has recently quit work completely (not on benefits) and he is now financially responsible for her.
He has started to moan about his job (which he previously loved) and all aspects of his life.
He has adopted a 'victim' mindset talking about how hard his life is when actually he has had a lovely upbringing, with every single convenience given to him, new car for his 18th birthday etc.
They totally drag each other down.
He has lost contact with his friends.
I do feel that he is depressed and I feel his relationship isn't helping either.
He came home on his own last week, I thought to get a bit of breathing space away from his partner, he told us he was thinking of quitting his job and when DH expressed some concern at this, DS stormed out.
He went back to his house but we haven't heard from him since.
DH and I are worried sick. DH has cardiac issues which are exacerbated by stress, DS knows this but doesn't seem to care.
He is hurting all of us.
I don't know what to do, I love him so much, I want to help him but he won't answer our calls or texts.

OP posts:

Keepitsimples · 17/10/2026 15:31

How far is he from you?

Keepitsimples · 17/10/2026 15:31

In fact scrap that - if this was my DS I would be visiting this afternoon

Original poster

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 15:58

Would you?
I felt maybe best to give him the space he demanded? What if he tells us to feck off?
He is about 2 hours drive away.

OP posts:

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 17/10/2026 16:04

Did DH express concern or did he bluntly say don't be an idiot? I agree with PP though i think this needs a face to face to sort out being very careful with your language to show support for his poor mental health and avoid blaming his DP for 'dragging him down'

Rhaidimiddim · 17/10/2026 16:06

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 15:58

Would you?
I felt maybe best to give him the space he demanded? What if he tells us to feck off?
He is about 2 hours drive away.

I wouldn't, I'd give him some space.

A final text - keep it simple "we're here when you're ready, much love" and then back off.

Hard, I know. But tough love and all that.

Keepitsimples · 17/10/2026 16:07

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 15:58

Would you?
I felt maybe best to give him the space he demanded? What if he tells us to feck off?
He is about 2 hours drive away.

Depends
Are you worried about his mental health? It would seem so
hence my suggestion

Theunamedcat · 17/10/2026 16:08

Ignore the tantrum dont get involved some lessons need to be learned personally

Keepitsimples · 17/10/2026 16:08

DH and I are worried sick. DH has cardiac issues which are exacerbated by stress,

Yep… o would be driving there this afternoon

Argostoys · 17/10/2026 16:10

How did you express concern? Would you usually expect to hear from him so soon? have you send him any messages or suggested to him that he should think about seeing his GP?

Teenawilko · 17/10/2026 16:13

Gosh, it’s so dependent on your personal knowledge and relationship with him. I’d be driving over there and sitting with him until I knew he was ok and safe. Calling and texting can be extra stressful for someone already depressed and overwhelmed. I read here that others are suggesting to give him space, but only you know your son and what he needs right now.

Original poster

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 16:17

DH was very diplomatic re him saying he was going to quit work and said things like "I didn't realise you felt that way, have you talked it through with your boss to see if they can change your role" DH is a very placid man.
I have asked if he thought he had depression and should see a GP in the past but not last week. He denies any issues.

OP posts:

Rememberdragons · 17/10/2026 16:17

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 15:58

Would you?
I felt maybe best to give him the space he demanded? What if he tells us to feck off?
He is about 2 hours drive away.

So what if he does tell you to feck off? Are you worried it could make your relationship worse?
Has he indicated he wants or needs space?

If you are genuinely concerned about his life and it's not a worry due to catastrophising or annoyance at him potentially setting a boundary, then yes I would drive there and actually have done so.
But when we drove 2 hours to check on our son he hadn't had a falling out.

It is childish of him to not reply, there's no need for that at all. He needs to tell you what the issue is.

Rememberdragons · 17/10/2026 16:19

Also I would say yet that he's "walked out of your lives". It hasn't been that long, do you really think he's never going to speak to you again?

If so, then yes I would definitely drive there because you have nothing to lose.

Keepitsimples · 17/10/2026 16:19

Go to him alone without DH

Laiste · 17/10/2026 16:23

I'd text him that his father is very distressed and worried about him walking out like that. Remind him of his fathers cardiac problem.

Id say : please text your dad now and tell him you're ok. So he can relax a bit.

Then say something like what ever is going on know we are here for you and there's nothing that can't be sorted out. We love you Just don't upset your poor dad like this.

Dontevenlookatme · 17/10/2026 16:24

Is there anyone else who he would listen to? A grandparent or sibling? They might be able to open the door a bit for you. I think you need to communicate that you’re on his side no matter what, you were a bit blindsided by his suggestion of giving work but it’s his decision.

I fell out with my DM and wouldn’t speak to her, her best friend phoned me (obviously at her request) and it helped a lot. Her friend understood and listened to why I was upset but she also enabled me to speak to my DM. I think my pride would have got in the way otherwise. It can be difficult to climb down, however unreasonable. Sometimes we as parents have to be the bigger person.

2longinthetooth · 17/10/2026 16:32

I would go straight round to see him, his outburst says hes stressed why??, i would plainly say that its not like him to show such outburst and ask him what is wrong. Maybe work is becoming too much, every new job starts off great until youve been there for over a yr and theres office politics, changes in managers etc which tip the balance. Maybe his relationship is on the rocks. You questioning him about his decisions may feel like criticism. Just say you know him, this is not like him. Whats up. Dont leave it.

bigboykitty · 17/10/2026 16:35

I would cool it with all the drama. It's only been a week since he left. I definitely wouldn't turn up there. He lives with his partner and there are clearly issues with her and with the relationship. I'm guessing your son is looking for a way to opt out of his girlfriend's financial dependence on him, which isn't surprising, though it's not a good way to go about it. I hear what you're saying about the victim mindset and have seen this happen.

I would send a low key text from time to time - nothing heavy and certainly nothing about your husbands health situation! I would think about your boundaries too. It sounds like your son has been quite indulged at home and is probably aware that you are financially well off. I would be clear if it comes up, that you won't support them financially. In your shoes, if your son leaves his job, I would say he's welcome at home for a while (him, not both of them) while he gets back on his feet, but he would have to find work. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices.

I hope he's in touch soon.

bigboykitty · 17/10/2026 16:36

Laiste · 17/10/2026 16:23

I'd text him that his father is very distressed and worried about him walking out like that. Remind him of his fathers cardiac problem.

Id say : please text your dad now and tell him you're ok. So he can relax a bit.

Then say something like what ever is going on know we are here for you and there's nothing that can't be sorted out. We love you Just don't upset your poor dad like this.

Please don't do this. It's just blatant emotional manipulation. It's likely to result in him distancing himself further.

Eristealviper · 17/10/2026 17:11

What do siblings think?

cartagenagina · 17/10/2026 17:12

I would keep the contact going, nice and light.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/10/2026 17:21

Huh. Any chance he’s hoping you’ll now start paying for him and girlfriend to doss about without jobs?

my spidey senses went off when you went on about ‘a lovely life’ and a new car at 18.

He’s perfectly entitled to quit his job but no, I don’t think you should be running around after him and rushing off to visit (or paying for him)

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 17/10/2026 17:24

SeedBeadStar · 17/10/2026 16:17

With this update i reiterate you need to go see him face to face. Texts and calls when you are depressed can be a lot of pressure, they can be misread, you have to decide do i be honest about how I'm feeling or what lie can I tell that's believable and get them to back off? Face to face he can see and hear you're genuinely worried and that you care and that you are willing to support however you can.
I get posting here about his DP dragging him down is to give us context and to share your thoughts and for the record you are likely right but only you know if saying anything remotely like that to your DS will cause him to go on the defensive so be very careful with your language around anything other than your worries that directly relate to him

Gettingbysomehow · 17/10/2026 17:57

My son has done this at 43!!! We've always been close. I brought him up on my own. He met this vile woman who hates him having a family and he has cut me and the entire family off after one innocuous comment about forgetting his very elderly grandmothers birthday.
Im just letting him get on with it.
I still work full time and dont have the energy for this shit. He'll learn how important family is in due course.
At least I dont have to put up with the loud mouth toxic girlfriend any more.
It seems to be a thing now to rubbish the people who love you and cut them off.

sherbetlemonade · 17/10/2026 18:13

When DH expressed his opinion to our adult DD about her proposed change of job from a low-paid secure one to a 6-month contract with a much higher salary, she absolutely hit the roof and was furious with him for interfering.

Your DS just needed a safe space to get things off his chest, he wasn't asking for someone to tell him what not to do. I think you both need to apologise. If he is in an abusive relationship, which it appears he might be, then don't drive him away and DO NOT try to make him feel responsible for your DH's health. That would be an appalling thing to do.

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