How to handle son walking out of our lives.

[SeedBeadStar]

DS is mid 20s, he has lived away since uni but comes home all the time as he has always been close to his siblings and shares a hobby with his dad.
He lives with a girlfriend and they constantly bicker and end up not speaking. When she comes to our home for the weekend things are fraught between them. She has had some extreme mental health needs in the past and struggles with work issues to the point she has recently quit work completely (not on benefits) and he is now financially responsible for her.
He has started to moan about his job (which he previously loved) and all aspects of his life.
He has adopted a 'victim' mindset talking about how hard his life is when actually he has had a lovely upbringing, with every single convenience given to him, new car for his 18th birthday etc.
They totally drag each other down.
He has lost contact with his friends.
I do feel that he is depressed and I feel his relationship isn't helping either.
He came home on his own last week, I thought to get a bit of breathing space away from his partner, he told us he was thinking of quitting his job and when DH expressed some concern at this, DS stormed out.
He went back to his house but we haven't heard from him since.
DH and I are worried sick. DH has cardiac issues which are exacerbated by stress, DS knows this but doesn't seem to care.
He is hurting all of us.
I don't know what to do, I love him so much, I want to help him but he won't answer our calls or texts.

I was 25 when mum and dad turned up one day after an almost same situation and if they hadn't I wouldn't be alive today. At the time I grudgingly went for a cuppa out with them when they came and then returned home with them after a long chat. Tbh I didn't realise how bad my mental health had got because of a situation I got into...thank goodness they drove 6 hours there and back because it got me the help and right mind back...happily married now with kids many years on but I will never forget what they did for me

They are absolutely shocked and horrified.
He used to be so sunny, happy and the joker of the family. He is ignoring their messages.

And presumably very worried?

Absolutely. They have always been so close.

So….

Im a bit confused. If you are worried, as in seriously worried, get in your car and go and check. On your own without your husband.

F

I haven't done this because I didnt want to just turn up at their house and have it look like I'm coming between their relationship. GF would absolutely turn it round that I'm being controlling. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

This thread is odd. Normally when an adult child cuts themselves off, virtually everyone says leave them alone, respect their boundaries, don't even think of contacting them, wait for them to come round.
Yet here most are saying they should just turn up on his doorstep two hours away? When his partner will also be there? And when he's ignoring even his siblings' messages?

OP Do you have contact details for the girlfriend ? Do you think it would escalate things to send her a message asking if son is ok ?

This is someone who appears to have mental health issues AND heart issues

Could you message her something along the lines of

“I hate to trouble you with this and appreciate that you might not wish to respond, but I would be so grateful if you could please let me know DS is ok, as I am worried by his lack of communication. I always get very concerned about his heart and know it might look like I’m an interfering mum, but I really would appreciate you letting me know if he’s ok or not. Take care, OP x”

It's his father who has the heart issues.

Ok message can be adjusted

Unless you’ve had contact from him to say otherwise he hasn’t walked out of your lives.

you’ve had a row. He’s gone home. It’s only been a week.

young adults don’t really like being told what to do (hell, who does?). It’s likely that what you/your partner saw as an expression of concern he saw as interfering with his life.

fgs don’t tell him he’s stressing out his dad and try the emotional blackmail route.

Maybe you could ask siblings to gently look into the situation?

My offspring are mid to late 30’s , I find they can get to the bottom of things between each other & get back to me with functional reassuring answers/results.

Your thread title is not at all what your post is about! He walked out after a disagreement- he had not walked out of your lives!
It’s his relationship that’s the issue. He needs to split up with her. But he has to come to this on his own. All you should be is a sounding board and supportive. Do not go chasing him. Let him know you are there, that if he needs to move home he can, that you want the best for him. Do not pass judgement. Do not disparage his partner. Do not tell him he’s doing the wrong thing. You should guide him if he wants you to, but let him make his own decisions.

I don't really understand the significance of you giving him a nice upbringing and what he's going through now. Does the fact he had a good upbringing mean he is never allowed to struggle as an adult? By anyone's standards, having a difficult relationship with someone with mental health problems and having to be the sole source of income would be extremely stressful and difficult. Why would you dismiss those struggles as having a victim mentality?

He's going through a difficult time. Acknowledge that. And I agree with a precious poster, he hasn't 'walked out of your lives'. It's been a week.

It just feels like you're making his struggles all about you. He probably already feels like his girlfriend's issues trump his. Try being a safe space for him to talk about what's going on.

That's so emotionally manipulative. It's been a week.

The thread title is very dramatic.

Bloody hell, that's quite a hard read, but thanks for your input. Are we really a fucked up family?, we usually all get on brilliantly and enjoy each others company. I think that's why we (parents) have maybe over reacted, because we have never had a situation like this before, or even a major row.

DS has been in his current workplace for 4 years and has always loved it there, to us it seems like nothing has changed with the work itself, he's just "bored" or "fed up". It's not just work either, he's lost touch with his friends and sports clubs.
We have tried hard to support the both of them (paid for holidays for just the two of them and the deposit for their rental property). I know his life is hard, I was just asking for advice on how we can help him.
In relationships, not AIBU.

I will say this: I absolutely hated one of my jobs, and I still stayed for years because I had to make a living. My parents had no idea until very late in the process when I basically broke down at a dinner with them. If they'd started arguing with me, I would have walked out too.

I just wanted to express solidarity. These bloody people and their mental health dragging everyone else down. I don’t know when it became acceptable to quit work and sponge off others, blaming mental health - no one used to do this.

All of that said I think a kind text in the first instance, then perhaps a visit next weekend when he’s had time to cool off. He’s a mug for supporting this woman imho, however of course you can’t say that.

“These bloody people” is her son.

Her son who is currently living with someone who has serious mental health difficulties and he is fully financially supporting.

Is he in a controlling relationship ?