Bed sharing with children.

[ThatPlumSeal]

What's peoples views on children sleeping in the same bed as the parents. As a child I was always expected to stay in my own bed unless I was ill or occasionally I'd come in just before it was time to get up like Christmas or birthdays.
My ex has always insisted that both our children share our bed, when they were younger 3-5 if ever I complained I wasn't getting much sleep and it was affecting my work I'd end up on the sofa and after several days with a bad back she moved a camp bed into their room and slept with them in their room, for many months. This went on for several years, and due to various other factors but this being the main one we've now separated. The children are now 10 & 12 and still share a bed with her, but not when they stay with me. Everyone I speak to about it, friends and family seem to think it's completely wrong. Yet her and her group of friends seem to think it's perfectly normal. Is it just completely different styles of parenting?

Sorry to blow your tiny mind but you don't have to be in a bed to have sex

Did not enjoy kids in bed, no pets either, and finally have my own bed after suffering H's snoring for decades. Never NEVER am I sharing my bed ever again.

I think you’re going to get mixed views on here but it’s a no from me & my DH. Dc have always been encouraged to be in their own bed and settled back at night in their own bed. Even if that meant that one of us was on the floor for an hour. I do understand why people share a bed but I need my space at night for my sanity

I think keeping an open door policy for children is really beneficial. I can't imagine my sons laying in bed feeling worried or sad but not feeling able to come to me for comfort.

Last night my 5 year old asked to sleep with me. This morning, in bed, he told me he was nervous about a situation with a school friend. Luckily, he felt better after a good, co-regulated sleep and chat cuddled up under the covers.

Right now he has little kid problems but I hope I'm setting him up to feel able to come to me instead of laying in bed upset when he's a teenager with more complicated problems.

My kids tend to call us if it's in the middle of the night. We always allow them in our bed in the mornings if they come in.

We've never done it here. Not even one night.

I really cannot get my head around the whole “but where oh where do you have sex?!” thing.

Literally any other room in the house. The living room most often. Why would you NOT have sex in the living room? That’s where I’d be having sex even if my children are in their own rooms. Why would I be downstairs with my husband, children soundly asleep upstairs, and think “we want to have sex. I know, let’s go upstairs closer to the sleeping children instead of staying down here”. Obviously it’s different if they’re older and liable to be roaming the house. But if you have young children, surely downstairs is the best place to be having sex regardless of which specific upstairs room your child is sleeping in?!

Anyway in answer to OP I don’t understand why anyone would think cosleeping is odd. I used to go and sleep in my mum’s bed on the odd occasion, eg if I was very upset about something serious or if I was very unwell, even up to when I left home! However I am curious about what you mean when you say your ex insists - if the children don’t particularly want to/care for it and she’s insisting they cosleep then yes that is certainly odd and I’d be concerned. But I’m unclear if that’s specifically what you mean. If the children have their own beds and they actively prefer to cosleep then I really don’t see an issue at all.

I coslept for the first 4 years or so, we only had one bedroom and I'm single so there was plenty of room.
He's 7 now and for the last 3 months or so I've been waking up in the morning to find him in my bed. I've no issue with that if he can do it without disturbing me! I certainly would never have insisted on it though, it's all up to him.

It's not 'blown my mind' and I've had sex in plenty of places apart from beds thanks. But why on earth would you want to lock yourself in the bathroom for a shag when you have a perfectly good king sized bed of your own? A quickie on the kitchen table stops being fun when you hear a kid behind you saying, 'Mummy I'm thirsty and I want a glass of juice'.

My days of having uncomfortable sex in odd places are over. One of the joys of being an adult with their own home was the ability to actually have a private bedroom that other people didn't feel they had the right to barge into!

Yeah I don’t think I know anyone who isn’t a lusty teen shagging on surfaces. And it’s a bit grim in a family home.

My 14 yr old DD still sometimes climbs in with me.

DS stopped when he was about 10.

Blimey, wonder what I said that warranted hiding!?

I think you do what works for you as a family. Clearly it didn't work for you and your ex. I was against co-sleeping when my first DC was born and only did it when necessary, eg illness. My second DC would not sleep alone so it was co-sleep or not sleep at all. DH has his own sleep difficulties so wasn't in the same room anyway. DC2 (later diagnosed autistic) slept with me regularly until she was 6 and from time to time after that when needed. She's a teen now and still sometimes needs to sleep with me. DH and I sleep better separately because of his tossing and turning anyway so it doesn't bother me if it helps DC to come in with me sometimes.

DS has just turned 11 and has had anxiety for a year or so. He has been sleeping with either me or DH. Not ideal but doing what is needed to make DS feel secure. Once he improves will be back to own bed.

The fact your husband has to sleep in a kids bed or on the sofa for starters

Fine if everyone is happy and gets some sleep!

To me not being allowed in your parents bed sounds harsh. Mine are allowed in whenever they want but once they fall asleep we put them back.

I coslept with one of mine until he was about 5. He didn’t bother me, exhusband worked away a lot. He grew out of it by the time he was 6 though

I never co slept when dd was a tiny baby. Too risky. She has always slept next to me though, either in a crib or cot and now i sleep in her bed each night and she’s coming up 5. She still wakes and cries if i’m not there and my dh snores like a warthog so it suits us at the moment. It won’t be forever.

Doesn’t happen in our house. I like the idea of it but when DH was away for work last I asked 2 year old DS if he wanted a ‘sleepover’ with me in the big bed and we just kept each other awake all night. Never again. We’ve thankfully not yet had an incidence of him being really poorly, in that instance of course if it made sense he could sleep in with me / DH / both of us.

Hell no!

Yes, my younger son used to sleep in my bed occasionally until he was about 12. The older one not so often.

I'm lucky enough not to have a husband.

Surely there's many happy mediums between sharing a bed until your child is 12 and never letting them co sleep.

But co sleeping is what we did for 99.9% of human history. It's obviously the most natural thing in the world to sleep with your vulnerable infant or child. It is still very common around the world. Putting a baby in it's own room has always seemed weird to me personally. Currently DD18 months is always in with me and DS5 comes in when he wants to. DH has his own room so no issues there (the idea of living room sex does not appeal).

Yeah I don't agree with it.

Children should be in their own bed. I actually think parents who encourage co sleeping are doing their children a real disservice.
X

Why is it a disservice if it helps them to feel safe and everyone is happy with it? It doesn’t last forever, they naturally adjust and grow out of it.