Caught my boyfriend on dating apps twice

[Tfsgirl]

Hi everyone,
I have been in a long distance relationship for almost a year.
He is a decent hard working guy and has not had much time to visit me - I have visited him 5 times since January. In May, a friend found him on a dating app. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said maybe we should have a conversation about being exclusive. He apologized and hid but did not delete his profile. We agreed to be exclusive- even though I thought we already were.
A few weeks ago after starting to feel things were a little ‘off’ - I found a new dating profile he had made that appears to have been active for a couple of months.
i said I couldn’t accept the deceit a second time and said we should end our relationship.
He then wrote that he loved me (he has never told me this before) that he wanted to spend more time with me and support me financially and that he only went online for validation.
after much deliberation - I decided to break up with him.
He then sent me another email saying he had never cheated and that I had probably met someone else, which is why I have broken up with him.
i know he is hurting and a part of me wants to believe that he wants to build a life with me and I am scared I will not meet anyone else (I am 50)
I wanted to break up with him but now that I have,I am worried that I have been too hasty.
Thanks for listening x

Thanks

So now he's accusing you of cheating and that's the reason you broke up with him?

Stuff that, he's a manipulative shit who's trying to make you doubt your decision to dump him.

You barely see him and he lives miles away .. this has no legs plus he’s a cheat. It’s never going to work and you definitely won’t meet anyone if you are hanging around for a guy who seems only capable of being a pen pal. Raise the bar , just because you are 50 doesn’t mean you have to accept the dregs of men .. I’d prefer to be on my own and have at least the chance of meeting someone decent than be attached to a cheat that you barely see who messes with your head and self worth

You weren't hasty enough! Please don't settle for crappy men and relationships because you are scared of being alone, and if you have form for doing that, please get therapy to unpack that.

I'm really, truly sorry OP, but I think you already know how this will end... even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, he'll either try it time and time again, enjoying the freedom of having loyal gf as well as private 'extras', or you get sick of it and end it.

I'm really sorry, though 😔 it sucks. I've been there.

If this had any chance of working, he would be doing everything in his power to show he is serious about a relationship with you, and demonstrating how he had recognised how hurtful his past behaviours are. Instead he has deflected and accused you of cheating. Just no.

You 100% did the right thing.

He then wrote that he loved me (he has never told me this before) that he wanted to spend more time with me and support me financially and that he only went online for validation. after much deliberation - I decided to break up with him. He then sent me another email saying he had never cheated and that I had probably met someone else, which is why I have broken up with him

Ridiculous. After you caught him, he tried to hoover you back in with promise of money, basically to pay you off so you'd turn a blind eye to his lame validation excuse.

Then, when you caught him the 2nd time, the had the bloody audacity of accusing you of cheating!! Just to put you on the defence and make you feel guilty. That is how much he cannot own up to his actions, and will not take responsibility for them.

This was NOT a decent man OP. You've had a lucky escape.

Thank you for your replies - I needed to hear them xx

He is not a decent guy.

He does not love you.

He does not want to support you financially (what BS).

He did not go online just for validation.

You made the right decision and you have not been hasty enough in my opinion!

Trust your gut and let him go. You deserve better.

It sounds like you were making all the effort in the relationship - he didn't have time to come and visit you? And you've caught him out twice! You've done the right thing breaking it off with him, don't take him back.

Get a grip! He’s not decent at all. And one big advantage of staying with him is that he’d support you financially? That’s not a reason to stay with a deceitful man.

I was surprised when you said you were 50 because sorry to say but you sound very naive. First off, long distance is an excuse. You thought you were exclusive but you aren’t? Please listen to women on here. He’s taking g you for a fool and seeing many many other women. You should also get your gynae checks. Find better, raise your self esteem. He o ly tells you he loves you when you’re about to dump him? Please. Wake up!

He responded to your catching him out the first time with love bombing and future faking, and the second time with DARVO. You would never be able to trust him. You have 100% done the right thing.

I don't know how long the distance is in your case - international? That's the only reason for such infrequent visits. DH and I started long-distance but we both put in the effort. Sounds like yours finds it convenient not having you around much so he can enjoy his "validation" elsewhere.

He's manipulating you.

Don't get back with him no matter what he says. I'm sure he will promise all sorts but frankly, his actions have said it all. People who are in love don't keep (or make new!) dating profiles. The apps are awful, most people say that the best thing about meeting someone is being able to get off them...

Nope you absolutely did the right thing.

That part of you that believes he wants to build a life exclusively with you will be the bit that gets you into trouble, he's essentially tried to divert the blame on you instead of owning up to his mistakes...i think you did the right thing by getting rid, please don't be fooled by his love bombing rescue tactics!

You’ve not been too hasty, you’ve given him the benefit of the doubt once, agreed fo be exclusive and he still pushed his luck by staying on the apps, you’ve only met 5 times this year. He hasn’t had much time to visit you, well a man that loves you would prioritise seeing you more and he wouldn’t still be hanging around on dating apps, he’s just sorry he can’t have it all.
by ending it now you’ve saved yourself more future heartbreak.

You did the right thing.
And the ‘I love you, I’ll give you money, you must be cheating to do this’ the absolute nerve.
As for cheating, he knows his own tricks best.
I think you know you’ve done the right thing, you just needed to hear it from us lot to be sure.
You don’t have to accept shit like this at any age.
He is a self-serving little shit.
If only there were a male version of Trip Advisor to leave reviews for others women to read…..

He's a manipulative mindfucking prick. You're out the other side now. Let him go back in the dating pool to be someone else's problem, sadly this is what men like him do, rather than seeking therapy.

You are not in a good relationship (if you can even call it that at all) and staying with this loser only because you are "scared [you] will not meet anyone else" is a tremendously low bar to set for yourself.

Give your self-esteem a kick up the bum, dump him and have faith in yourself to not settle for such dregs.

He's just some bloke you email and message. 5 times since January is not a relationship. Just find someone who lives in the same city as you, and move on.

It is likely that you were one of several women that he is seeing. Why else would he be on dating sites? He's playing a game. Deep down you know that.

Nobody accidentally goes on a dating app and nobody goes on for validation. Listen to your gut. It’s screaming that he’s lying - and of course he is!!

He might have accidentally seen a dating app, then accidentally created an account, then he might have accidentally started a conversation with another woman, it does happen sometimes, these type of accidents usually only occur though if your a cheating c**t 😂

This all sounds very similar to my son’s most recent relationship. They’re 19 and 18. In other words this is all very immature and you just need to stay away from the guy.