Uneasy about change of intimacy during pregnancy

[Spriggs]

A bit personal but I was wondering if other people noticed the same or similar at the time.

I’m pregnant and my DH has started to react differently to me. Not in a bad way but differently. Definitely more pushy on sex and seems way more interested in the parts of my body that are visibly changing. This is probably tmi but I didn’t know how else to describe it.
On the one hand it’s “nice” because I feel quite uneasy about my body atm and it’s comforting to know that he doesn’t see it this way. But I kind of feel a bit objectified at the same time. I’ve tried to tell him but I think he really couldn’t understand me and I wondered if maybe I am creating a problem where there is none.

I’ll absolutely accept that I am the one with the problem here if that’s what people think because I honestly don’t know if I am. I get emotional at times so I don’t think I’m the most reasonable person sometimes.

Being "pushy" about sex is never acceptable, in my opinion.

Other than that, I don't think it's abnormal. Lots of men do find pregnancy sexy.

Thanks its just a bit much sometimes

Urgh, sorry how gross.

I’m not sure what you mean?

I’m currently pregnant and the sex has been incredible. Like you, I don’t feel particularly comfortable in my ever expanding body, but DH has been very complimentary, not pregnancy specific, but enjoying that my boobs are bigger for example.

Can you pinpoint what exactly is making you feel uncomfortable? Do you feel like he has a fetish about pregnancy? Is he pushy in that he wants sex more regularly or that he wants sex when you don’t?

He is definitely pushy and wants it more than I do. And yes I agree that it’s nice to be complimented but he often seems overly focused on different parts of me than before. I think it’s a me problem alright since nobody seems to understand what my problem is 😊

To feel uncomfortable about something doesn’t make it a ‘me problem’. If you don’t feel comfortable something isn’t right. You haven’t really explained the problem very well so that’s probably why people on this thread don’t really understand what the problem is. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem.

You can say no to sex.

Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel?

I think there’s a big difference between your H appreciating your bigger boobs, and eg fetishising your bump, which is gross. So difficult to say if that part is unreasonable, but him being pushy absolutely isn’t on.

Are you talking about your bump? Because I wouldn't put up with that for a second

It's not really clear what he's doing.

However, sex is something where it's essential to feel completely safe. You're feeling uneasy and you don't have to have any sex you don't want.

Yes he is really focussed on the bump but also on my boobs (that part I don’t mind). And he is different than he used to be. It’s like he zones out at some stage and stays super focussed on my body parts only and it makes me feel unseen and used.
I have tried to talk to him but he says that he doesn’t understand what I mean and that is always “present” and that he just enjoys my body the way it is because it’s special and different.
Sorry for not being clear but I didnt want to go into too much detail.

Wanting it more than you is just mismatched libidos, but as long as he accepts it when you say no, I think that’s ok.

Being focused on different areas isn’t really an issue, sex is a whole body thing, so focus will change at different points, e.g. bum vs boobs etc.

It's an issue for. OP.
Have you read her update?

This is super weird. Sorry, OP. You need to have a serious talk with him.

Sorry I seem to have completely missed the posts inbetween the one that I responded to. It wasn’t clear what she meant from the previous posts.

He zones out?
@Spriggs Does his workplace have a psychological support system? I would be surprised if it didn't. This might not extend to you but it might be worth speaking to someone who understands PTSD, especially if he refuses to discuss this.
I had suspected that there was more to it. You know that something might not be right so please don't ignore your gut feeling.

No, no scheme for family members. I have one through work I think but how do I even start to explain this.

If its a bit much, then you aren't into it. And you're right, you aren't an object. Maybe some men find pregnancy sexy but to be pushy and specifically targeting areas of your changing body pushes it to fetishism . You clearly don't feel sexy in those areas, and that's understandable, you're living in the body and experiencing the changes, he's seeing it from the outside only.

It comes down to not if it's right or wrong for a man to be turned on by a pregnant woman, but that you aren't into it and he's pushing, so he needs to back off. And not be huffy. I hope your husband can back off a bit without pulling the "oh but I think you're so attractive you're making me feel like a pervert" hurt shtick.

There's something called breeding kink or something so maybe he's enjoying the fact HE got you pregnant, HIS child is in there etc etc. It's creepy af that he zones out and stares at an area of you that you don't see as sexy, but it's not necessarily inherently wrong, but it's wrong because you're a couple and you aren't enjoying it. If he can't understand you he's being obtuse or lying tbh.

How is he pushy, does he try to persuade you to do stuff when you're not keen?

It’s not a you problem at all - he is making you feel uncomfortable and not listening to you when you explain….

If by pushy you mean keen, complimenting you, great. He's probably read how many men seem put off their partners, how they feel bad, and is trying to show how much he loves you!
If by pushy you mean you said no, you feel ill/sore/whatever, and he hassled you, that's not ok.

Yes he probably read that in his good husband weekly magazine. FFActualS, what is with the endless excuses of shitty, weird behaviour of men on MN. Yes dear, arent you lucky he's being pushy and objectifying you. Such lovely attention, he is so kind and considerfuckingate

I don’t mind that at all and i couldn’t be happier that he is excited about our first. But there is no need to obsess about my growing bump and hurting me sometimes.
Anyway, i think that i got advice

I think you should listen to your gut on this one OP. It sounds a bit weird if it’s making you uncomfortable. Can you dial it back and not have sex for a while? It’s quite common for women not to want to have much sex during pregnancy, and it sounds like it’s not doing it for you. That doesn’t mean you should put out for him.