Uneasy about change of intimacy during pregnancy

[Spriggs]

A bit personal but I was wondering if other people noticed the same or similar at the time.

I’m pregnant and my DH has started to react differently to me. Not in a bad way but differently. Definitely more pushy on sex and seems way more interested in the parts of my body that are visibly changing. This is probably tmi but I didn’t know how else to describe it.
On the one hand it’s “nice” because I feel quite uneasy about my body atm and it’s comforting to know that he doesn’t see it this way. But I kind of feel a bit objectified at the same time. I’ve tried to tell him but I think he really couldn’t understand me and I wondered if maybe I am creating a problem where there is none.

I’ll absolutely accept that I am the one with the problem here if that’s what people think because I honestly don’t know if I am. I get emotional at times so I don’t think I’m the most reasonable person sometimes.

When you talked to him what did he say when you told him he was is hurting you sometimes OP? I take it that causing you pain is new behaviour since you became pregnan?
I think that is really concerning.

Hurting you?

What sort of ‘hurting you’?

Op that's one hell of a drip feed what does hurting you involve??

Sorry I reply so late.
Yes I told him and he is usually really nice but sometimes a complete asshole. Its gotten worse and I texted a friend earlier too.

The boobs wouldn't bother me but when you said focusing on the bump then yes, I would be very put off if he was focusing on that during sex! I would find that so weird

Is he watching porn OP?
Hurting women during sex is what the majority of porn is about. That and his fetish like reaction your body sounds as though something is triggering his behaviour.

I’m sure he does and again I don’t mind. We often spend months apart. Yes something has changed and I don’t like it right now.

You might not mind OP but I think hurting you during sex and his behaviour towards your pregnant body is very likely related to his porn use. Perhaps you should start minding?

How do you mean hurting you sometimes OP ?

OP, how many weeks are you?

I don't want to accuse you of drip feeding, as I don't think you are doing it deliberately, but adding in the information about him pushing for more sex when you don't want to and then disclosing he is hurting you is extremely worrying.

You don't have to be explicit or say if you don't want to, but how is he hurting you?

Do you feel confident saying no to sex you don't want, and if you do, what does he do?

It is unfortunately very common for abuse to ramp up or start during pregnancy when you are especially vulnerable. Does he go to all your antenatal appointments with you? If you can then please get the courage to mention this to your midwife. I really hope you have a good support system around you seperate from your DH and you feel able to reach out to them as this is very worrying and you should not be alone in this.

How does he hurt you?

Also how can he be 'really nice' and then be an arsehole, what's he like when he's an arsehole?

I’m only a bit over 5 months in.
He just gets really rough sometimes. He doesn’t choke or hit me or anything like that. One time he covered my mouth but that just didn’t make much sense so I don’t think he tried to hurt me.

I will talk to him. Maybe I haven’t been very clear as obviously I couldn’t even explain on this threadi what my issues were without confusing people. I have tried before but he downplayed some of it or said that he’d be more careful but he wasn’t.
He gets grumpy and keeps pushing if I say no.
I don’t really want to report this to anyone right now because I don’t know what this will cause and it’s stress that I don’t need right now. I think it’s communication and I need to be more affirmative.

You need to talk to someone though. Something isn't right and it seems to be a new development. This combined with your other thread makes me think that you could be in dangerous territory and that you really ought to speak to someone. Nobody suggested that you report him but that you just tell someone what seems to be happening.

He's being sexually abusive. Now that you're pregnant you're his plaything.

You've obviously understated how bad he is.

Is there anywhere else you can stay to get away from him?

He gets angry and keeps pushing when you don't want sex. He's really rough and hurts you.

Honey, this is not a good man.

I’m not sure. I’ll talk to him first

Talk to him about what?

You've already talked to him about hurting you and it hasn't stopped.

I think just leaving would make it worse. I’ll meet a friend later to talk to. I’m mortified

Your opening post is misleading as you didn't really tell us about the most important element of his behaviour.

Forget the stuff about him being attracted to your pregnant body and fixating on your tits or whatever during sex. That's pretty normal on its own.

What isn't normal is any of the other stuff. Being too rough, hurting you (in any way you don't like, but especially relating to your pregnancy body), doing things you don't like in bed, pressuring you and being unpleasant if you don't agree to sex, refusing to accept a 'no', covering your mouth so you can't tell him to stop, getting worse when you try to address it with him... all of that is completely unacceptable and abusive. Seriously.

The fact that this has apparently only surfaced during your pregnancy is doubly disturbing. Loads of men find their wives extremely sexy during pregnancy but they don't express it in the way you're describing. If anything, I'd say most men are are lot more cautious during sex when their partner is pregnant, even if they find her body incredibly attractive like that. Being more aggressive during your pregnancy is a really worrying sign from a psychological perspective, and I'd be worried about how he's going to be around you when the baby's born and is taking up all your time and attention. He doesn't sound like a man who is going to accept the baby being your top priority and I think you need to think very seriously about your situation.

The fact that you think he will be 'worse' if you leave him is... extremely disturbing. Are you saying you think he'll be violent or force himself on you if you end the relationship, or that he won't stay away if you move out?

Please don't feel mortified, you've done nothing wrong. He's the one that should tell mortified.

Tell your friend you're being sexually assaulted and you don't feel safe. Would you be able to stay with her?

I’m not sure. She knows him because her and my husband are friends and work together so I know that it will be embarrassing and I hope she won’t tell him. I don’t think it’s assault but serious boundary pushing which I’m not comfortable with. I’ll tell her about what he does though.
As I said something has changed and I just want it to go back to normal.
Meeting her now after work. Thank you very much

Hope it goes well with your friend.

I'm very sorry but it is assault. He's continually doing things he knows you don't like and that hurt you.

Take care x

The bloke is military too, what makes it even more worrisome imo.

It’s not uncommon for abuse to start in pregnancy. Personally I would leave at this point before it gets any worse.

It’s revolting that he’s hurting you sexually when you are at your most vulnerable.