Should I cut my losses?

[Thinkingitthrough1]

I am 43 and have been with my boyfriend (44) for 6 months. Everything is going well - we get on well, the sex is good, we have similiar backgrounds, lifestyles and experiences. I really enjoy spending time with him and we have been away. Before him I was single for 3 years, looking hard in that time, and not finding anyone even remotely suitable. I am aware of how desolate it is out there for daters of my age.

The problem is that he has a six year old daughter and a difficult co-parenting relationship, which has got worse over the time we have been together. Neither the six year old nor the ex (who he split up with 2 years ago) know about me, which is completely appropriate and fine. At the moment he has his daughter 50:50, but the ex is increasingly asking for more nights as she believes it is in their daughter's interests to spend more time with her.

That may or may not be correct. This is none of my business. It causes my boyfriend a lot of stress, but he generally tries to keep it away from me and our relationship. The difficulty is that it has really caused me to re-think things. Whilst I have no desire to meet his child now, there is a point where I would like to combine lives to a greater extent than we currently do. I do not want a future where the child never knows who I am. My boyfriend is on the same page with this, but I worry that as things become even more stressful with the ex, that this will inevitably end up impacting our relationship, and I will feel like a bystander in my own relationship. I have no kids of my own.

Has anyone else been here and made a situation like this work? He has a wonderful relationship with his daughter and they clearly adore each other. He is also terrified that the child will choose to live with her mother full time, which will break his heart.

Should I just cut my losses? I am so reluctant to, but at the moment it feels a bit hopeless.

Do you have to decide right now? Can you express some of these reservations to your boyfriend so they are out there on the table and see what he says. Maybe he really wants somebody who’s going to be integrated into family life at some point in the future and therefore being open about how you feel might help you both to decide whether this relationship is right for the two of you. There’s more than one way to have a relationship. I know a couple who have been together for years, but they have never moved in together and are now in their 70s. It completely suits them. It sounds like if it were to end you would manage, but maybe you could just talk to him to see where he’s at and share your feelings.

6 months is a very short time and he's obviously a responsible parent not to introduce you yet .

I wouldn't end the relationship over this if its good . As you say it's hard to find a decent partner in today's climate so I'd just be patient and wait for the right time to meet this little girl . Enjoy your time dating and getting to know each other , it's very early days .

Thank you all. @Bellisma I was pretty ambivilent and never met anyone that I wanted to have children with. I am perfectly at peace with not having them and enjoy being an auntie figure in the lives of a number of young people, whilst also having my own money and sleep. So that is fine.

I see why you say you wouldn't touch this with a barge pole - but I know that there are not a queue of emotionally intelligent, solvent, child free single men out there willing to beat my door down. I am fine being single, but it is nice to have someone and he is a very positive part of my life. So that is what makes it difficult.

@Momon45 and @AlwaysAFaithful thank you for giving me some perspective! I think with all the rush of hormones I forget how early it is. The fact he is such a good father is (oddly) very attractive, and I can see that maybe giving it a bit longer is sensible. We have discussed a future where I meet his daughter and we do things as a trio, although he has been very clear (and I agree) that I would never be expected to have any type of caring / parental role. I suppose I need to wait and see how things pan out.

Is something hitting a nerve?? You’re being SO MEAN

It is totally appropriate for your partner to have his daughter 50/50. My concern is that his ex is asking for more. I would query why that is, is there a new man on the scene and she wants to get rid of the daughter? Is she needing to work more? Why isn't your partner having a discussion with his ex about this? Children need both parents equally.
I think when you know the full story, this is the time to make a decision.

It’s hardly the point though is it

The ex wants more time, not less - I think you’ve misunderstood.

Sorry, I wasn't clear - the ex wants the child to be with her more. I am loathed to pry too much into this, as it feels like it is very much their relationship to handle, but my boyfriend is very much opposed to this. They are having conversations, but I don't think it is always straightforward.

It is true that I do not see him with his daughter - but I do know that his daughter is his top priority, that he looks after every aspect of her wellbeing, that he took her camping around France for two weeks this summer and the two of them had a wonderful time. They love spending time together. None of this is exceptional of course, as lots of women do that every day without being celebrated. But to the extent that I am able to evaluate his ability as a father, it is excellent. He cares desperately for his daughter and demonstrates it in his actions.

I agree @Boreded, it isn't the point! I suppose I am looking at everything very selfishly, but then - it is my life too.

In terms of the mum seeing her more, he is well within his rights to see her 50:50, but I’m very much in the camp of it being about what is best for the child not what is fairest for the two parents. He can still be a good dad whilst letting his daughter have a home with her mum in more of a 4&3 or 5&2. I would just be mindful that a good judge of a parent can be whether they are fighting for equal time for themselves or the right time for their child.

I don’t think you need to make any relationship decisions either way, it is early days. Besides walking away from something good before it has chance to play out could mean you miss the opportunity to have your happily ever after 🤷‍♀️ better to have heartbreak if it goes wrong than regret for not finding out surely?

Well it’s a good job you are here to pee in her cornflakes isn’t it

You haven’t peed me off 🤷‍♀️ what are you talking about.

If your boyfriend's co-parenting relationship with his ex isn't great, then yes, it's going to impact your relationship with him. He's going to be stressed and anxious. However, at the moment it's still very early days, and my feeling is that you need to see how the relationship pans out.

Re-evaluate again in another 6 months time, and see if you feel any different. If you don't, then my advice is to listen to your gut.

I think you are overthinking this. Enjoy your new relationship and try not to think about everything that could go wrong. Yes, the mother might want the daughter to stay more with him but she would need to take him to court for that. Since he is seemingly a reliable and perfectly adequate parent there is very little danger that a judge would agree with the mother. His new relationship with you has no impact on that. Unless you are a convicted child kidnapper or something, but I’m guessing you wouldn’t omit such a detail.

It is not Drama it is Life.
It is a typical today scenerio and your attitude is so very dramatic..barge pole lol.
Probably married attends church type.

No not really - would you like me to pretend though? I’ve not got much else on right now, but I am probably going to put a movie on soon so I might disappear after a couple of messages 😂