Should I cut my losses?

[Thinkingitthrough1]

I am 43 and have been with my boyfriend (44) for 6 months. Everything is going well - we get on well, the sex is good, we have similiar backgrounds, lifestyles and experiences. I really enjoy spending time with him and we have been away. Before him I was single for 3 years, looking hard in that time, and not finding anyone even remotely suitable. I am aware of how desolate it is out there for daters of my age.

The problem is that he has a six year old daughter and a difficult co-parenting relationship, which has got worse over the time we have been together. Neither the six year old nor the ex (who he split up with 2 years ago) know about me, which is completely appropriate and fine. At the moment he has his daughter 50:50, but the ex is increasingly asking for more nights as she believes it is in their daughter's interests to spend more time with her.

That may or may not be correct. This is none of my business. It causes my boyfriend a lot of stress, but he generally tries to keep it away from me and our relationship. The difficulty is that it has really caused me to re-think things. Whilst I have no desire to meet his child now, there is a point where I would like to combine lives to a greater extent than we currently do. I do not want a future where the child never knows who I am. My boyfriend is on the same page with this, but I worry that as things become even more stressful with the ex, that this will inevitably end up impacting our relationship, and I will feel like a bystander in my own relationship. I have no kids of my own.

Has anyone else been here and made a situation like this work? He has a wonderful relationship with his daughter and they clearly adore each other. He is also terrified that the child will choose to live with her mother full time, which will break his heart.

Should I just cut my losses? I am so reluctant to, but at the moment it feels a bit hopeless.

It is a matter of what you can take on mentailly being in a part of this dynamic I guess.
I do not see hard and fast rules are needed for intros within reason or set plans.
Whatever the co parenting spilt is of course the mum wants her child as often as possible..I would not want to be apart from mine for half a week.
Tell him...be honest and decide.
Adult children can feel as difficult as young and the respect you all have for each other is important.
Crazy or sane ex means in the background this is a huge factor of accepting.
Best to talk to bf.
Op i know a "step" mum who is a involved, creates a great extended family life for her bf child.

Totally agree. Just knowing someone wants to spend time with their child, isn't the same as them being a good parent. Putting the child first is a very good sign though and it sounds like he's doing that at least so there's hope.

No. I don’t think you should cut your losses if you are both enjoying the time you have together.

Most people who are single in their 40s or older have a history. Maybe divorce, kids - whatever. It’s not likely to be simple.

Talk to him about it. Let him know that you understand that coparenting can be difficult and that it is likely stressful for him at times. Let him know that if he wants to talk about it with you, he can. Likewise if he doesn’t.

In the meantime, enjoy your time together. See where it goes. He sounds like a good man and good dad. Don’t chuck it away just because it’s complicated - if you feel like it could be worth it.

6 months is no time really, when there are complicating circumstances.

Re-read ... you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Run … run fast and don’t look back! I would never ever date anyone with children under the age of 16! Not worth it at all.

I think you misunderstood the original comment. The ex wants more time with the daughter, not less, and is reneging on their agreement. He needs to get legal advice about this. Ultimately most people at this age come with a past and complications, up to her if she thinks it is worth it or not.

I was with a guy who had a tricky relationship with his ex and honestly it's incredibly draining and she always felt like a third wheel. Not even his daughter so much as this ex. I would think carefully about whether you can long term deal with the endless conversations about her, head games between them, phone calls he will always answer even if he doesn't want to and psycho dramas!

Does your bf have a custody order through the court? That's his first step. Then he's going to have to put money aside in case he needs to go to court for enforcement if the ex tries to withhold.

This will affect your relationship because keeping his existing custody needs to be his priority and it will be stressful and time consuming and possibly financially draining.

I was you. I met my now DH 14 years ago (his son was 1), he had been thrown out shortly after his birth, ex had wanted him to go back a few weeks later but, given this had been a recurring theme in their relationship he decided it was time everyone moved on. He’d had a short term girlfriend before meeting me who couldn’t see how his son would fit into their lives, but that was a non negotiable for my DH.

Me, I was never sure I wanted kids of my own, but, like you, was lucky enough to have some great relationships with children I did have in my life. DH would have had one with me had I wanted it, we talked it through, but I am ultimately half we didn’t.

Anyway, you don’t need the full history, what you need to know is that after a year I met his son, aged 2 at the time. Given his sons age it took time to work up to him having weekends with us (and a meeting with his ex, going to visit SS at places he was used to like his maternal grandmothers house and ex visiting my home to ensure it was ‘suitable’. All things I know I didn’t need to do, but couldn’t see any point in being difficult about). It hasn’t always been easy given the relationship between DH and his ex. But, 12 years later here we are on the cusp on SS 15th birthday, we have more time now with him than ever and him being older and her being divorced with other children that also see their dad has made our life a million times easier.

Has it been tough? Yes, at times it’s driven me crazy. Would I change it? No, my SS and DH are more than worth all those hard times and my DH and I have a fantastic relationship and life together and I am so grateful for the wonderful relationship I have been able to forge with my SS who I couldn’t imagine life without now. He makes me so bloody proud.

Only you can decide if this is worth it, if you are capable of putting everything else to one side in terms of how you feel when it comes to his daughter and whether you can accept that his love for her is different from that for you and doesn’t diminish anything. The relationship with his daughter, if you decide this is worthwhile, at the age she is, is for you to work out over time.

Communication in these situations is everything though.

What is the living situation have you moved in together? If not surely you will get to meet her once you make that transition? Assuming you would both want to at some point

I would give it time and see how it goes. Clearly as you are currently unsure about the relationship it's certainly not the time to meet the daughter anytime soon. Before you agree to meet her you need to want to commit to the relationship 100%.

Obviously walk away if you want but I would give it a bit more time.

I am in a similar situation, 6 months in and my boyfriend (he’s 62!!) has a 9 and 10 year old who I have never met 50% of the time, and is also going through an unpleasant custody dispute. I wouldn’t give up UNLESS you want to have kids. Can’t you just appreciate the time you have? As you said, it’s not easy to find someone you get along so well with.

I feel like everyone by their 40s and 50s comes with some drama or messy situation to manage. I appreciate that's a horrid way to describe a child, but I know lots of people that age in messy caring situations for their parents or difficult financial situations due to previous partners. If you genuinely feel that this man who is (checks notes) attractive, kind, caring, good in bed and a great dad is worth chucking after 6 months due to the fact he has a slightly tricky co parenting relationship, then I'm not sure you'll really be able to make anything work long term.

If it reaches a stage of being very difficult, he can go to court and so there is no way that you being in or around his life will ever mean he has no contact with his child - so you shouldn't worry about that. If he is saying that you being in his life might impact access to his child, then that's wildly incorrect and he would know that, but it sounds as if that's exclusively in your head. A judge would normally say 50/50 unless theres a reason not to, at 6 a child is way too young to just choose not to see their dad. You also shouldn't worry that they don't know about you at the moment, that's wholly responsible of him and appropriate.

The only thing that should cause you to back away, is if you do not want to be a step parent. It is a big deal and it means you'll never be the most important person in his life. However, if you can get on board with that, I see no reason to stop seeing him. It's still very early days and it sounds like everything is in a good place really. It's a shame he has a difficult Co parenting relationship but it sounds as if he handles it well. I'm not sure why it would worry you really.

It’s very early days, I’d give it more time and see how it pans out. If you break it off now you’ll be back at square one with the same old crappy pool of men to choose from.

@Momon45 what they said.

Do you not want children?

Don’t cut your losses. Enjoy your time with him - you don’t need to make every decision about your future after only six months.

I’m in a similar boat to you except I’m the one with the child. The man I met I would never in a million years have forecast how emotionally mature, kind, thoughtful and caring he is - our initial getting together was definitely on the casual side and it has grown over time, slowly, and organically, into something special.

We are nearly at a year and he has only just now started spending a bit of time here and there with my child, and been introduced as someone I like and am getting to know. There is no pressure on either side to parent, build a relationship or form a step family. These things take time and you are allowed to enjoy the process slowly so that each next step happens organically and feels comfortable and natural as it unfolds.

Six months is too early to be worrying about the future - continue having fun with your gem! I agree there are not a lot of them out there!

Whilst his daughter will always be in his life, the dynamics between the three of them will shift as she grows up. I think it would be a shame to end the relationship over this at this point. His actions as a parent seem to suggest he's probably a good human!

I think contrary to many mothers I was always happy to meet the women in exHs life. They were going to be spending time with my kids and I wanted a good relationship with them. He is also a pretty awful human being so they were quite possibly the people keeping them safe.
Might their DM take news of you better than he thinks? Particularly as you don’t want kids particularly so aren’t going to be stealing hers.

Thank you all so much, that has given me a lot to think about. I think I would like to be a step parent, to the extent that I have some involvement in this little girl's life. We have talked about this and possibly living together (way) in the future.

It is very easy to get carried away, so I do need to remember that it is still very early days. As for the ex, I honestly don't know how she would react to the idea of me. They are certainly not at the court stage, although it may get that way I suppose.

I absolutely take the point that I don't want her to be a third wheel in our relationship - we have been talking about her more in the last few weeks as co-parenting has been particularly stressful for him, but once this particular episode has died down I am going to suggest we avoid talking about her at all for a while. He has said previously that he doesn't want her to impact on our relationship at all.

I am going to have a chat with him this week and see where we get to. Thank you again everyone.

Please dont put additional pressure on your boyfriend right now by starting discussions on the status of your relationship. He is already stressed out by the possibility of seeing less of his daughter.

Just keep things light and easy, and distance yourself from the drama around him. Focus on your own interests, hobbies, friends, family etc. You will need to get used to this if you want a long term relationship with a man with a young child. Learn the art of detachment.

If thats a struggle for you and you feel you are emotionally impacted by what's going on, I think you should cut your losses and opt for dating men with no children, because whether the children are young or adult, there will be many moments where you are going to be completely sidelined.

I don’t think you are right for him. I think by nature you sound quite rigid and self centred. I don’t mean that as an insult, everyone has the right to be and he should know what he’s dealing with.

How does not speaking about something that’s an extremely important part of his life exactly work? Is he just supposed to hold it all in?

This IS his life, you can’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

50/50 living arrangements but always 100/100 parenting.

If he's needed for parenting, then, kindly, he is needed for parenting. But maybe there needs to be a conversation had as to why mum isn't able to have as often and then work out how that situation can be helped.

I know that you're not seeing daughter and feel that's sensible at the moment but even though you don't have a relationship with the daughter YET, a relationship with her father means she comes as part of the package.

It seems to me that you're both in agreement with slowly introducing her into your relationship and I think that's sensible.

Maybe you can both get your heads together and see what's happening with Mum?

It might be that she's found someone too - maybe the 50/50 days need revising. I'm so confident you can sort it out. The little girl.is the most important in all of this. I can see that you understand that too. I would work with him to make it work for everyone.

I don’t think I would cut my losses in your relationship. Everything you are saying about him and his relationship with his daughter sounds very positive. 50/50 is great, and just because the ex says she wants their daughter to have more time with her doesn’t mean she’ll get it. If it’s not a legal order, then your partner can consider going down a legal route in the future if she tries to push for more than 50% for herself. A judge will be unlikely to change the status quo unless it can be shown that the current arrangement isn’t meeting the child’s needs or your partner has been unreliable or neglectful, neither of which seems to be the case here. Why is he worried his daughter will choose to live with her full time? Is he worried the ex will manipulate this? I think this would be easier for her to do of he saw her less often but with things as they are now I’d say it’s unlikely. And if it does happen he’ll deal with it, it doesn’t have to be a factor in you deciding to split up now!

I think you both know that keeping things as separate as this won’t work long term though. She’ll have to know about you eventually. It’s fair enough that you want your lives to be more integrated and what if you decide to live together in the future? You’ll also need to have some parenting role if you do live together. You and he will eventually need to talk about stuff like if she misbehaves and he is not around, how will you manage it? Maybe he is planning to always be around when it’s his time, so you wouldn’t be left caring for her. Which is a great idea in theory if not necessarily practical. These are the discussions you’ll need to have in future but nothing you are saying here screams red flags at all.

The child is the most important person in this situation. Do what is right for the child. If that means supporting your partner to navigate life as a co parent then do that. If you don't think you can do that then leave him and let him find someone who can.