Should I cut my losses?

[Thinkingitthrough1]

I am 43 and have been with my boyfriend (44) for 6 months. Everything is going well - we get on well, the sex is good, we have similiar backgrounds, lifestyles and experiences. I really enjoy spending time with him and we have been away. Before him I was single for 3 years, looking hard in that time, and not finding anyone even remotely suitable. I am aware of how desolate it is out there for daters of my age.

The problem is that he has a six year old daughter and a difficult co-parenting relationship, which has got worse over the time we have been together. Neither the six year old nor the ex (who he split up with 2 years ago) know about me, which is completely appropriate and fine. At the moment he has his daughter 50:50, but the ex is increasingly asking for more nights as she believes it is in their daughter's interests to spend more time with her.

That may or may not be correct. This is none of my business. It causes my boyfriend a lot of stress, but he generally tries to keep it away from me and our relationship. The difficulty is that it has really caused me to re-think things. Whilst I have no desire to meet his child now, there is a point where I would like to combine lives to a greater extent than we currently do. I do not want a future where the child never knows who I am. My boyfriend is on the same page with this, but I worry that as things become even more stressful with the ex, that this will inevitably end up impacting our relationship, and I will feel like a bystander in my own relationship. I have no kids of my own.

Has anyone else been here and made a situation like this work? He has a wonderful relationship with his daughter and they clearly adore each other. He is also terrified that the child will choose to live with her mother full time, which will break his heart.

Should I just cut my losses? I am so reluctant to, but at the moment it feels a bit hopeless.

In a similar situation to you except I've met the kids. I've also been a step parent previously, and they are now adults so I have a fair idea of what I'm getting into!

My advice, having read your posts is to stick with it.

It will impact on your spontaneity and freedom to do as you like, when you like as a couple but makes up for it in so many other way - in my opinion.

I don’t think you need to make any decisions just now. Enjoy your relationship for what it is just now. But definitely have a talk with your partner to see how he sees the future. Certainly where children are concerned it’s not easy.
some posters are very quick to say to end things, but good men are hard to come by and not everything is going to he perfect

Why are you assuming you will ladder with this man?

If you know you want to have a live-in partnership in the future, then yes, cut your losses. Otherwise, I think you need to have a chat about what your partnership does and doesn't need to include.

The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasboard is a good place to start. It's not just for polys!

You're worrying about something that might never become a problem. Everything else seems good.
Do you want another 3 years of being single? Are you able to make any compromises in your 'suitability' list and if so could the child be one of them or not?

I know most people are saying your dp should be fighting to keep 50:50. But what is the reason behind the ex wanting to change the schedule? Are both homes far away from each other and the child is struggling with the travelling back and forwards? So would a temporary reschedule until one of them move, help the child? 50:50 care is sometimes not good for the child.

Or there might be a simple misunderstanding between the ex and your dp. Or ex might want to enrol the child into a club, which means pick up would be delayed by 30min. Like what is happening in my life. Ds3 really want to attend a very local football club. I am prepared to pay for it and take him there, my health has restricted me lately and money is tight. But ex says no, as it is messing up with his time with his children. So I dropped it.

I'm struggling to read anything from your post that would make me nervous or that suggests you have a concern. He has said he wants you to have a relationship with her eventually and he sounds like a great dad. So you're both on the same page but it just takes time. What are your worries? That he might prioritise his daughter over you? Or that he won't have enough time for you? If you got married tomorrow the 50/50 custody would just become with the two of you so as long as you're happy with that, then happy days.

Many years ago my husband left his two very young children because of me. I didn’t ask him too or really want him too. Following that, there were many years of difficulties with his ex. I often regret, all these years later, getting involved at all but of course don’t know how life would have been if I hadn’t
You are older than I was, not the catalyst to them separating and have your independence. I would just take it slowly. As his child gets older they can choose for themselves who they see when. Good luck.

I was in this situation. I met my now husband after he had separated from his ex, they were living apart and he was seeing his children every other weekend and a night in the week on alternate weeks then half the hols. Things were still quite raw when we met so we took it slow. It probably took nearly a year before I made the decision to take things seriously with him. In that time things got worse with the ex - she essentially alienated the children from him and they were fighting it out in court. He really suffered emotionally with it all. Went 2 years without seeing his eldest daughter. Things definitely got worse when he introduced the children to me a year and a half after we met. In the end after years of battle the courts found her to have alienated the children from him and he was given full custody. In that time we got engaged and married. We now all live together and we have one child of our own. My point is I looked beyond his situation with his ex. Ultimately he was a solid man. We share the same values. And I got to see him fight for his kids in a way many men would not have (not a criticism but the courts are costly and brutal towards fathers a lot of the time). He pressed on and this said a lot about his character. He’s a super involved dad who takes the lead in parenting his children and doesn’t leave it to me. That’s helped the dynamics in the home and I’ve actually got a lovely relationship with my step daughters now. My point is, if he’s worth it and you have the resolve (as it’s not for everyone - the ex will be in your lives forever as they have a child). If he’s boundaried and prioritises your relationship that’s what will make the journey more doable.

Well, do you want to be a step parent?
Do you want to put a child first?
Are you ok with your partner prioritising his child? Like, in daily life, not just in theory?