Single mothers should be cautious of new partners?

[hellomellow]

Hi all,

I've read a few posts of late where comments have been made about men who seek relationships with single mothers.

What should single mothers be cautious about? Abusive partners? Are single mothers expected to be desperate? Is there some psychological reason certain (unscrupulous) men are attracted to them?

Genuinely interested here, as I feel this topic has slipped me by. 😃

It’s just common sense isn’t it? You’re letting an unrelated male into your children’s life and there’s a risk he might not be there for the right reasons.

For example there was a case the other day about a 19 year old student who was killed by her stepdad in or near Manchester. Unbeknownst to her mum he had been obsessed with her for a long time. Makes you wonder if he got with the woman because of her child!

Then I remember the case during the pandemic where a man killed a woman’s children and their friend sleeping over - and he also raped one of her children as she lay dying.

Okay these are all quite extreme examples that hit the headlines, but as a former social services worker and educator what does happen more often is many children are uncomfortable for one reason or another with their stepdad.

And unfortunately yes some men do feel single mums are desperate and will tolerate anything. So they target single mothers in the hope they can bag a woman who will do everything to keep him and demand very little. Cocklodgers in particular love single mums.

Even more sadly I have seen that in action in some (not all) cases and I have literally been screaming inside at some of these women to not let these so-called boyfriends treat their home/them/their kids so poorly.

But then tbf some women put up with a lot when they are with the father of their children too. And even single childfree women can act desperate too.

Letting an unknown male have unrestricted access to your children is obviously not a good thing to do. There have been cases when the man faked interest in the mother to gain access to the child.

But other things too. Men who want to be the centre of attention or be the woman's top priority, and gradually inveigle their way in, sidelining the child or pushing them out.

I dated someone for a very short time, who asked me to prioritise time with him over time with my 9yo ds. It took me a nanosecond to make that decision, I dumped him instantly. He then accused me of being cold, detached, incapable of love etc. 🙄

Children, their safety, their needs, security and happiness have to come first.

Do you really not understand why ?

It’s understandable to want to be the priority in your partners life - at least eventually. I certainly do but that is exactly why I don’t date men with kids. I feel it just create an imbalance that’s not in my favour.

The issue is men (and women) who date people with kids and want the children to take a backseat.

I honestly think kids can feel pushed out even if the stepdad is very accommodating and understanding let alone when he’s actively demanding he be prioritised.

My friend had a brilliant stepdad, he was engaged to her mum from when she was 10 and he didn’t actually move in and get married until she was 19. But during the long engagement he was over most evenings and weekends. Would do absolutely anything for my friend and her mum, and he definitely wasn’t creepy!

But I remember my friend saying as much as she loved him and knew he meant well, she had wished he wasn’t around growing up because she always felt like she was intruding on a couple in her own house and she missed it when it was just her and her mum.

There are men out there who hunt out single mothers for a free home and to be looked after and sometimes more sinister than that.
Ive been a single mum. Its really hard. Sometimes it can be tempting when someone love bombs you. You think of how much easier it would be with someone else to take the load. At best they are cock lodgers. At worst......use your imagination.
Being a single mum is a hard and lonely life.

It’s not rocket science, is it?

That sums it up very well, why there should be even more caution that if you are single and without children.

It’s very often mum’s new partner that kills the kids. That’s why.

I mean think about it, if you were a nonce dating a single mother would be a pretty good way to get access to a kid. And if she puts pics of her child on her dating profile or social media you could basically window shop till you find your ideal one.

Single mums tend to have a home which is appealing to men who are not prioritising for housing, so end up living with family or hmo's. They will get to live in a house with all duties taken care of.

Pedophiles will of course have an obvious motive

Partners are more likely to harm the children. They have less tolerance, connection and emotional restraint. The amount of children that have been murdered by the partner is sickening

It causes huge emotional turmoil on children to have strange men brought into their life

I goes without saying that single mums should be extremely cautious of entering relationships. But I guess that applies to all women. Bad men hide that they are bad men at first

You sometimes see single mums saying they are looking for a man who will take on her children and love them like a father. I think that’s a bit unrealistic.
Not that there aren’t many wonderful men who have done this but I think they’d be the exception. Women should always be wary of men and their intentions at all times. Act sensibly and put children first. Even if that means being alone.

Pretty much all my female teenage school friends with single mums had to fend off one of their mum's creepy boyfriends at some point. Unfortunately in at least two cases the mum sided with the boyfriend and didn't believe her teenage daughter.

i can’t remember or be bothered to find the statistic but a child’s risk of abuse rises by a huge amount when a step parent is introduced into their lives.

Also, step daughter fetish is a common thing.

Basically....

Because an awful lot of men want to sexually assault and rape children.

And who has kids (with perhaps fewer adults around) and is looking for a lovely guy to give them affection and gain trust?

Single mothers.

the biggest risk to a child is the unrelated male in their lives - so step parent. If I was to become single I wouldn’t date until my child was older. It’s not worth the risk imo.

In a nutshell - paedophiles target single mothers in order to get access to her children to abuse them.

Sorry to be blunt. But it’s rife.

I only had one DF with a step father when I was growing up but yes, she had to try and fend him off regularly.

I've been a single mum for over 15 years, I'm not interested in a relationship and haven't been for a variety of reasons...there are many untrustworthy men out there, I wouldn't want one to have access to my child being the main one, plus no one is going to be laying claim to my property that I've paid for for 20 years. It's mine.

Predatory men will often seek out single mothers. They will love bomb and then a lot of the time a housing emergency will appear and they will move in with the woman and kids, then the abusive of either the woman or children will start. It will usually be gradual, not obvious abuse, grooming if you will to see what they can get away with, moving the goal posts all the time until the woman is very usually compliant or stuck with the situation. It depends on the type of abuse and who is targeted as to what occurs obviously but single mothers are often seen as easy targets but they're usually seen as lonely apart from anything else.

The free home was a very common thing when single mums got cheap housing and more generous benefits.

Being a single mum is SOMETIMES a hard and lonely life. So is being in a shitty relationship. Sometimes being a single mum is winderful, freeing, full of love and joy, peace and freedom

Just like men in the past who were widowed would look for a woman to cook, clean and look after his kids.

If you were a predatory man, what’s the easiest way to access children? Schools and clubs have opportunities but they also have stringent safeguarding procedures. Single mums? Less so.

Every woman needs to be cautious when getting into a relationship with a man, mother or not.

My question was not about why single mothers are wary of new partners. My question was about why certain men make a beeline for single mothers.

For example, why would a guy who demands full attention from a partner want to date a single mother, when they should know they'll be second best?

Appreciate the other answers though. Predatory men, those looking for cheap accommodation etc.