Single mothers should be cautious of new partners?

[hellomellow]

Hi all,

I've read a few posts of late where comments have been made about men who seek relationships with single mothers.

What should single mothers be cautious about? Abusive partners? Are single mothers expected to be desperate? Is there some psychological reason certain (unscrupulous) men are attracted to them?

Genuinely interested here, as I feel this topic has slipped me by. 😃

Then there are the part-time dads.
They are looking for a new partner and want to combine families into one big happy step-family with unrelated kids living in the same home, usually the woman's home because his ex-wife got his old home in the divorce and he is now renting or has bought a tiny flat.
But even if he has a home as big as the new woman's, he still has an incentive to combine households, so that when his kids have their contact time with him there is a woman there to help him look after them. Maybe even look after them for him on his contact time while he goes to work.
Plus the new woman will do more than 50% of the housework because nearly all women do, and if she has her own kids she is already doing it all.

So all sorts of issues arise over which kids are there which nights so who gets which bedrooms and who has to share, and how do you make holidays and Christmas "fair" when some of the kids have a second home elsewhere and some don't, or some have a wealthy other home and some have a poor other home.

Blended families are a nightmare best avoided. Just keep two homes until they have all left and are adults.

These stories are horrendous but matches up to my experience as a teacher, but of course I only knew so much and had to read between the lines and observe body language at parents evening etc .

Because they’re paedophiles.
Do you find a lot of things “slip by” you?

Yeah some men target single mothers it's well known.

You might want to watch this when you get some spare time. It's about a policeman who went undercover as a paedophile and infiltrated a ring. It tells you what they do and how they operate, and targetting single mothers is very high on their list.

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Well said!

Because there are single mums (and dads) who do not treat their subsequent partners as ‘second best’. There are people of both sexes who do not want to be alone so will look past red flags. MN is littered with such tales.

I remember watching a wildlife documentary some years ago, it was about lions. The male lion wins over a female lion by playing with her cubs. Once she trusts him he impregnates her and then he kills and eats the cubs.
Male humans often follow a similar pattern, being kind and generous towards her children is an easy way to get her to trust and like him, once he has achieved this he can use her as a resource. In particular to bear and raise his own children, this allows him to leverage the divided loyalties, he can dominate and control her by subtly threatening to be unkind to her children whilst favouring his own genetic material.

Wow.

All of them?

You're right, this definitely slipped me by.

I’ve seen childless men joking that single mums have better snacks, I think there’s some truth to that although said as a joke they feel they will be looked after by single mums. But as I said all women need to be cautious when it comes to dating.

Fairly obvious OP. Paedophiles prey on mothers without family or support systems. Masquerade as the helpful, supportive, reliable person. Weave themselves into the new family. That's the number one worry.

I dated a man who was obsessed with his stepdaughter. He had brought her up from the age of around two or three years. He regularly talked about how gorgeous she was when she started growing up, on and on and on. She was late twenties when I started dating him.

He clearly lusted after her and was on her social media almost every night, trawling through every single post, especially her bikini shots on holiday. Photos of her as a teen in school uniform, her old profiles. I got my answer as to why he was divorced!

I mean, I don't think it's only "single" Mums that that's true of.

DD has just buggered off to uni and there's a distinct lack of Penguins in my house now.

https://www.childlight.org/newsroom/when-dating-apps-turn-dangerous-2

Look up the study done recently where men said they would sexually abuse kids if they were guaranteed not to get caught. The percentage is not at all surprising to me.

There is a recent thread where OP is asking how a new man can possibly be interested in her as she is late twenties single mum with two children I think and he is in his thirties and very attractive, seems too good to be true, but OP is asking why is he attracted to her... and sadly, yes, single mothers DO have to be extremely vigilant about allowing new men into their lives and then around their children. Because look at the statistics.

It puts me off ever speaking to another man again in my life tbh.

Unscrupulous men are attracted to everyone.

Having low self-esteem is the common denominator you’re missing though, not single parenthood.

However, predators do target them specifically, for obvious reasons.

Oh God 😩

Yeah, I’m married but all the rest of them hold zero interest to me on any level.

I was sexually abused as a young toddler, for years, then my awful mother inflicted her various boyfriends on me.
At best, I was made to feel very self conscious, uncomfortable and unsafe in my home. All so my mother could have some bloke in her bed.
I can’t see how it’s ever in a child’s best interests to be made to get involved in a parents love life. Very rarely is it child centred.

Yes I would be wary. So often when you see a newspaper story of a baby/toddler being murdered it's the mother's new boyfriend. And as other posters point out the cocklodging aspect in that single men can move into a ready made family home to look after themselves better. They don't care about your kids, just in it for themselves and selfish reasons.
I also feel for teen girls with the creepy stepfather, how many have been abused because of some dodgy bloke their mothers move in? The stepdad/stepdaughter porn category is one of the most popular. What does that say? That awful news about the 19 year old murdered by her step father who was sexually infatuated with her was sickening.
So yeah I'd think moving a man into the home over for a very very long time

Yes chiming in to say homes with children do have the best snacks. 😅 I don’t have kids and enjoy the hospitality I get when staying at my friends houses who have kids whether they are single or not. A lot of my friends that don’t have kids will not bother to have as much in the fridge or cupboard - especially the single ones.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots But from a single man’s POV he isn’t going to be bothered with what snacks a partnered/married mums since he doesn’t have access to them in that way, so in his world yes “single mums” are the best option for snacks.😆

This is all purely anecdotal of course lol

Seriously though a lot of men are looking for mothers in their partners, so to answer your question OP - I feel certain men are attracted
to single moms since they see them fussing over (in a nice way!) their kids and assume the woman is a good candidate to mother them too! Comes back to what I said about them seeing SMs as less demanding and more giving.

A single child free woman might be less in the habit of cleaning up after anyone and may expect to be at the man’s house getting looked after by him just as much as he’s at hers.

and yes these are all generalisations and not everyone will follow that pattern but I think these are the beliefs/stereotypes men are operating from

That's horrendous, I'm so sorry that happened to you!

I wish people wouldn't make light of this. Better snacks? Arghhhhh. It has some element of humour, but the reality is clear from the numbers and the news. It is always the children that suffer.

What's not to understand?

Single mothers are often vulnerable in a variety of ways. Nefarious men, look for vulnerable women.

I can't believe you even have to ask OP.

Even the men who don't necessarily set out to have dubious intentions (my father), can turn out to be the devastation of a child's life (my stepfather).

I wish my DM had been a LOT more cautious when she embarked on another relationship with an abusive man who unlike my father, hated my guts and ruined my childhood.

Personally I think there should be laws about moving a child in with a man if that child is under 18 that unrelated to him.

Not sure why I’m getting stick for that, I said I have HEARD men say it as a JOKE not that it’s my own words 🙄

Again I’ve heard men say it as a JOKE