Single mothers should be cautious of new partners?

[hellomellow]

Hi all,

I've read a few posts of late where comments have been made about men who seek relationships with single mothers.

What should single mothers be cautious about? Abusive partners? Are single mothers expected to be desperate? Is there some psychological reason certain (unscrupulous) men are attracted to them?

Genuinely interested here, as I feel this topic has slipped me by. 😃

I never once said I agree with that comment, people take things way too seriously on here, I said I can see there are some truths to it as in they think they would be better looked after by someone who is a mum figure has own house, probably not going out very often not literally them choosing single mums for snacks 🤦🏻‍♀️

This, although many on here don't like it being said.

OP, unless there is a substantial benefit to their lives (such as moving away from a dangerous neighbourhood, living in a bigger house or getting a better education), no child want to have a random person join their lives and occupy the same romantic position as their other parent once did.

I think that many people forget what it's like being a child, how large a parent is in their lives, how fundamental it is, and how destabilising it can feel when a different adult comes into the picture. Even if a woman goes on to have 15 children, they will only have one mother.

When it comes to single women finding male partners, the risk is much higher of something going wrong due to the unfortunate amount of men out there who are criminal or on their way to getting to that point. And then there's all the men who are simply sexist and are after vulnerable women, and they won't necessarily have or ever will have a criminal record for being a very poor partner.

Once the children are over 21 years old, I think that changes things, but under that age? No. I personally don't think it's worth the risk. I do sympathise though how lonely it is to be single for years.

I've been to loads of singles events, I'm yet to meet any child-free man who is willing to date a single mother. So for the men that are willing, there must be other reasons why.

I write this as someone who had the most wonderful experience of a stepfather. I don’t know why he was with my mother, she was an awful person and awful to him. He did move in with us but had options of supportive parents, family, and a good job. He met my mother when I was 4, he left when I was 18. I was left with him many occasions and overnight. I was ill as a child and required hospital treatment, he was there, he took me to the toilet, helped me shower and he never once did anything wrong or made me feel uncomfortable. He was in every sense of the word a parent to us who took responsibility seriously. I’m always thankful and know how extremely lucky I was, I can’t even credit my mothers choice because the men she met afterwards were extremely questionable and thankfully I was able to move out. It was luck that it was him and not one of the others, I often wonder if he knew that and part of him stayed until we were all old enough to look after ourselves.

Im now a single mother myself, I’ve resigned myself to not having a relationship until I don’t have children in my home, I think it’s rare to find anyone who will put your children first, I think this is getting worse as time goes on and generally people are far more selfish and entitled. The pedophile risk, abuse risk, being used and having essentially a lodger in your home etc is all too much. Despite having the very best example myself that risk is too high for my own children.

HRTFT, but two posts with the same question. WTF! Please don't have any DC.

They’re a magnet for cocklodgers. It is assumed that they will tolerate bad behaviour and mistreatment more than single child-free women.

There are a thread recently where a single, child-free man ‘targeted’ a financially successful older mother with a newborn. She got swept in with it all. Then he showed his true colours about 1 year into the relationship when he shouted at the OP for wanting to have a breast reduction (lest she spend money he clearly had his eye on) and had begun hinting at marriage. Rather unusually for a MN thread, the OP thankfully came to her senses and broke up with him.

Pedofiles. Obviously.

I am aware of what you wrote and wasn’t replying directly to you.

It raised a wider topic of discussion which is what I was elaborating on.

As I said, I do think there’s an element of truth in it but it goes beyond “snacks” of course. It’s just the general desire to want to feel looked after like they are when they are in their mother’s house. Again some men are looking for mums in their partners.

As they say , there’s a grain of truth in many “JOKES”

And to the pp not sure who that was aimed at but just to be clear I am not making light of a serious topic of abuse . Two things can be true.

That there are predators who go for children is something I’ve acknowledged in detail upthread and that is not to be joked about .

But separately I was also talking about a different kind of man - a bit cocklodger-ish maybe - who targets single mothers for other reasons like domestic labour and home cooked meals etc. Not great but not necessarily a sexual predator either.

Ok.

There have been several cases recently of boyfriends battering g/f child to death, right under the nose of the mother. Little Lola James and Isabelle Welsh (mother also convicted) Star Hobson ( murdered by mothers female lover)
At least that piece of shit Kyle Bevan was ended by other inmates in Wakefield.
There is a long roll call of names of these defenceless little ones who have been murdered, and sadly names will keep on being added 😭

If you pare it right back, men mostly think about sex and winning (usually power or money), often both.

Men who specifically target single mums often like to be seen as The White Knight / have saviour complexes due to their own lack of achievement and self worth. The return for this "saving" is usually demanding devotion from the person they "save" which involves complex power dynamics and often isn't realised for some time as the woman has been coerced into feeling "lucky" to have him. Fear of loosing this "Knight" enables bad behaviour, be it violence, coercion or sexual. It usually starts with the woman not being able to complain about minor things, then bad treatment or behaviour - they end up unable to criticise the man at all for fear of repercussions. It is all about power for the man.

They have no connection to your child emotionally and often are not parents themselves. They don't care that your child is watching their parent being abused, if they would even consider that that is what they are doing. They always say things like "after all I have done for you" which they often believe because they can't see why they target women who are vulnerable at all.

They groom the vulnerable mums before they groom the kids and they are patient. SA from biological fathers stands at a horrific 2%, but rises to 17% with stepfathers, almost one in five. Stepfathers are far more likely to kill the kids too, especially under 4s. You think you can trust him, then one day you're finding a camera in the light fitting above the shower when your daughter is 13 ( think that was a posting a few years ago on here).

I agree with most of the comments above. But I think they’re missing one of the most important factors which is just numbers. Once a man gets to a certain age most of the single women of a similar age will have children (just like most of the single men do). The women without children might be more desirable to him, but depending on what level of catch he is that might not be an option.

Did you get what you wanted from this post?

In case they are child abusers (having unrelated adult in the home greatly increases risk of child death or harm)
in case they are love bombers
in case they want to be cock lodgers

in case they are a great guy and your kids get attached to them but you break up and your kids are really unsettled, again.

It isn't only the possibility of SA. Moving a man into a household with a baby or toddler, who may have no experience of young children and has no genetic or early established bond with baby/child carries elevated risk of serious physical abuse taking place. The number of tragic cases where there was a stepfather figure perpetrating this speaks for itself, and research has repeatedly confirmed it.

You should be extremely cautious of letting any new man, or woman, into your life, if you have children.

I worked in child protection and both scenarios need caution.

One reason could be financial, as Single Mothers have access to a lot of State Benefits.
Single mothers may need help with Children and some men like being around children.

No, but an awful lot of men do want to sexually abuse and rape children.

So you should be cautious.

Why do certain men make beeline for a vulnerable woman with kids?
To sexually abuse rape her children.

"when they should know they'll be second best?" Because they think they should be the priority because they're a man and that's what society tells them. Men first. Mens needed first. Mens wants first. The woman is there to enable his needs and wants.

This is my story, too. I think on some level my mother probably did love me, but when she got together with a bloke there was nothing she wouldn’t do not to keep him. I can never, ever forgive her for what she tolerated.

On these threads I advise saying to the bf early on,,, look, let's have a relationship but we won't be living together until my youngest is 18.

A genuine guy will hang around, a prospective Paedophile or cocklodger will soon fuck off and look for a new victim who will let him move in within a year.

Paedophiles. It is amazing how often sex abuse seems to be carried out by a mother’s partner, rather than a child’s dad.
It makes total sense if you think about it.

Peodophiles yes will look.for a single mother with.children,.men looking for a home will look for a single parent,.the list is endless but women put themselves 1st not their children and either move these men in.or give them access to their children, also a step father is the main reason a teenager gets kicked out of home...

Most men want to eventually live with their partner, get married, share a house, maybe have children.

Definitely not the case thay a man who’s not prepared for be kept at arms length for 18 years isnt genuine (and therefore is a nonce). That’s bonkers.

It is a big decision to invite an intimate partner into your life but normal stepparents exist.