Friend and religion

[believeornot]

I have a life long best friend. We went to school together and have always remained close. We live about 1.5 hours apart and meet up every few months. In our teens we talked about religion- I've been an atheist all my life and she believes in god. Back then we discussed this at length - all very amicable. As a teen she went to a church youth club.

Over time we stopped discussing this and the only references to church etc were when she married, had her children christened or her family members had funerals at a church.

Recently, many decades later, she mentioned she and her DH had started going to a new church. She emphasised they don't go every week, maybe to 'tone it down' for me in some way. Now, my view on religion hasn't changed so it's no surprise hers hasn't either. But not once in all these years has she ever mentioned having a church she regularly attends. This seems odd as we talk about so many aspects of our lives and we have never argued about our beliefs.

I just feel betrayed in some way, that she hasn't been honest with me all these years. I did say, oh you never mentioned this before but she didnt really explain, and as I felt hurt I dropped the subject.

I respect religious beliefs. I have close family members with whom I sometimes discuss and explore ideas around it. It's just that it feels uncomfortable to have been completely left out of this aspect of her life.

We'll still be friends but I feel off about it all. Anyone else who can relate?

She is entitled to keep her faith and church going private, especially as you were so.vocal about being athiest, or maybe she would just like to enjoy her faith peacefully without it being up for debate and deep discussion.

Why does it matter so much? It's her private life and a part of it that she cannot share with you.

It does matter ro me because it feels like she has hidden a very normal part of her life. I would have expected the occasional passing reference to a friend from church, for example. She frequently tells me about people she knows, e.g. neighbours, colleagues, friends I don't know etc. Why now suddenly - she mentioned it again in front of other friends the other day though it didn't link with what anyone else was saying. I could understand if she has recently decided to attend church more regularly or something, but that's not what she said.

In all honesty you are giving this far too much head space. Your friend has her reasons , perhaps the new church is because she and her DH have not gone to church for a number of years and she is mentioning it because attending church is a new thing again. You can believe in god and not attend church - life can get in the way or you don’t find “the one” . perhaps she hasn’t mentioned it because she has grown out of your teenage / young adult discussions you used to have. Could be any number of reasons and it doesn’t matter. They are personal to her.

When I first started reading this I thought you were going to say she has become much more religious/ fanatical and you were concerned.
But the fact that she just mentioned that she is / has going to a new church is perfectly normal.
She probably not mentioned it in the past because it just didn't occur to her .
I'd think no more of this than I would do if someone said they had changed supermarkets.

The discussions obviously weren't as amicable as you thought and she didn't want to get into any discussions with you

You are giving it far too much thought and making it about your feelings. As I said maybe because you were vocal about being atheist she is separating the 2.

She is entitled not to tell you anything about her friends from church.

Absolutely this! I wouldn't think to mention to an atheist friend ( however long standing) that I'd changed Churches. However to a fellow Christian friend I Absolutely would (and do) as it would definitely be a matter of interest to them.

I go to church most weeks, and I’m not sure I’d ever talk about it unless someone asked. I’m not sure what it is you’d expect her to have said to you.

However, that is exactly what she said!

And she has most certainly NOT grown out of the kind of discussions we've always had.

It's not a big issue in the great scheme of things but it surprised me and I felt perhaps I didn't know her quite as well as I thought or that she had deliberately withheld information and has decided no longer to do so. Just feels odd.

You're being incredibly weird about this. You knew she was a Christian. What the fuck is it to you whether she goes to church occasionally or not? She might have only just started going after decades of non-attendance or she might only go occasionally or she might just assume - quite reasonably - that it's not something she has to bang on about all the time.

I do know that my friend goes to church but she's never casually mentioned 'friends from church' or shared anything whatsoever about what her church is like or anything like that. I don't know if she goes every week or once a month or occasionally. So what? Why would I need to know? It doesn't matter. It's not something I have anything to say about because I don't have a religion.

The fact that you seem to think you have some entitlement to know everything your friend does just because you've been mates for a long time is really strange and comes across as being quite possessive and peculiar.

I go to church regularly….lots of people don’t know, why should they? It’s my business.

I probably wouldn’t have mentioned to an atheist friend either - they just wouldn’t understand. It’s a hugely personal thing, you just don’t have this in common and so she hasn’t brought it up. Your friendship is still really meaningful, it just doesn’t have this particular dimension. I wouldn’t worry too much although given she has brought my up twice might mean she’s more open to sharing that part of her life now, so finding ways to hear her and find out more might be a really lovely way of expanding your friendship.

I have a life long religious friend. Years ago she converted to being a born again Christian, talked about it all the time and tried to convert me. I had to step away and had very little contact for years. We are back in touch now and I am aware that she still belongs to that church, but no longer talks about it, so we can meet up and chat normally. Surely your friend's method is better?

Your response is the only odd thing here, OP. Why on earth do you feel 'betrayed' that your friend, whom you have always known is religious, didn't mention a church she regularly attends? Were you hoping she'd grown out of it or something?

Thinking about it, I have a good friend who is Christian. We haven't spoken about her going to church for years, it hasn't come up. I'm sure she still goes though

Good Lord, this is odd. Not what I'd imagine the thread would be about 😕

She hasn’t betrayed you. You see her infrequently and it has not come up. You’re being ridiculous. Have you asked her any questions about her religion?

I hadn't even noticed that, that they only meet up every few months because they live quite far apart. Of course no one is going to detail the minutiae of their Sunday mornings to someone they only see a few times a year!

Nowadays we only meet every couple of months but we message a lot in between and we used to hang out a lot in years past. We were part of the same social group for a very long time. At no time, in 40+ years, has she ever mentioned going to church regularly, that's what's odd. Maybe she does think I might harangue her re her beliefs, though I doubt that very much as I believe in respecting others and she knows me very well.

Betrayal is the wrong word, maybe I just feel a bit sad that she may have withheld that part of her life from me. I never thought she had stopped believing as I knew that wasn't the case.

Ok it's not a big deal, and yes this IS about my feelings, strangely, as they are on my mind and I chose to express them. I think that's what people usually do on mumsnet.

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up twice in quick succession. Maybe something has happened recently to make her feel she needs to attend, when she perhaps hasn't in the past.

It sounds like she knows you’re an atheist and has been very carefully respecting your beliefs. I’m not a religious person at all, but I’d class going to church as being as ordinary as going to Tesco. It’s just something you do every week. I really don’t ever talk to my friends about going to Tesco.

What an interesting question. From a church going perspective i think she might feel as if she is setting herself up to be mocked.
Atheists can be quite militant in their determination yo undermine other people's faith ...like if I don't believe in anything neither can you. Commonly known as Antitheism.
So you might try and understand that when we do believe it is really saddening and painful to be either laughed at or given the " look" from people you love.
Be kind to her, faith is beautiful and protecting it is what matters to her.

You know what they say about money, politics and religion..

She knows you're atheist, maybe she's worried you would suspect her of trying to convert you? Or vice versa?

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, pun not intended. Why not ask her? I wouldn't tell her you feel betrayed, just that you're curious as it's such an important part of her life and your friendship is important to you.

But for her going to church is as normal as cleaning her teeth. Why would she mention it? Especially to her atheist friend? It would be like discussing perms with a bald person, or bringing up their Dungeons and Dragons obsession with someone who was upfront about finding talk of Orcs and Elves cringeworthy.

I'm an atheist with a couple of believer friends, who, like yours, live at a distance. I have no idea when/if they attend church. I don't think they are concealing their church attendance from me.

Yes, exactly.