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Original poster

Friend and religion

56 replies

believeornot · 06/10/2026 10:47

I have a life long best friend. We went to school together and have always remained close. We live about 1.5 hours apart and meet up every few months. In our teens we talked about religion- I've been an atheist all my life and she believes in god. Back then we discussed this at length - all very amicable. As a teen she went to a church youth club.

Over time we stopped discussing this and the only references to church etc were when she married, had her children christened or her family members had funerals at a church.

Recently, many decades later, she mentioned she and her DH had started going to a new church. She emphasised they don't go every week, maybe to 'tone it down' for me in some way. Now, my view on religion hasn't changed so it's no surprise hers hasn't either. But not once in all these years has she ever mentioned having a church she regularly attends. This seems odd as we talk about so many aspects of our lives and we have never argued about our beliefs.

I just feel betrayed in some way, that she hasn't been honest with me all these years. I did say, oh you never mentioned this before but she didnt really explain, and as I felt hurt I dropped the subject.

I respect religious beliefs. I have close family members with whom I sometimes discuss and explore ideas around it. It's just that it feels uncomfortable to have been completely left out of this aspect of her life.

We'll still be friends but I feel off about it all. Anyone else who can relate?

OP posts:
BeddysMum · 07/10/2026 20:45

I don't know what you're upset about. You made it clear you weren't interested in religion so your friend very politely kept that to herself.
She was being polite and considerate not "witholding" anything from you!
Seems she can't win! Don't be surprised if she is hurt and confused if you bring this up!

Beingseenisneedy · 07/10/2026 21:02

OP: I believe in respecting others......

Clearly not.

Doozycan · 08/10/2026 08:08

believeornot · 06/10/2026 10:47

I have a life long best friend. We went to school together and have always remained close. We live about 1.5 hours apart and meet up every few months. In our teens we talked about religion- I've been an atheist all my life and she believes in god. Back then we discussed this at length - all very amicable. As a teen she went to a church youth club.

Over time we stopped discussing this and the only references to church etc were when she married, had her children christened or her family members had funerals at a church.

Recently, many decades later, she mentioned she and her DH had started going to a new church. She emphasised they don't go every week, maybe to 'tone it down' for me in some way. Now, my view on religion hasn't changed so it's no surprise hers hasn't either. But not once in all these years has she ever mentioned having a church she regularly attends. This seems odd as we talk about so many aspects of our lives and we have never argued about our beliefs.

I just feel betrayed in some way, that she hasn't been honest with me all these years. I did say, oh you never mentioned this before but she didnt really explain, and as I felt hurt I dropped the subject.

I respect religious beliefs. I have close family members with whom I sometimes discuss and explore ideas around it. It's just that it feels uncomfortable to have been completely left out of this aspect of her life.

We'll still be friends but I feel off about it all. Anyone else who can relate?

She thinks you may not like it if she discusses church hence being quiet. If your friend was a true believer then should share her beliefs. God is real and really knows deep inside everyone's heart. Seems like you should find a church and find out for yourself as you seem intrigued

OfTheNight · 08/10/2026 09:30

What on earth do you mean by explore her feelings?
Your response is really intense to this. She doesn’t need to share everything on her life with you. She’s a Christian who goes to church. Is that really such a shock?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 08/10/2026 12:14

believeornot · 06/10/2026 16:47

Nowadays we only meet every couple of months but we message a lot in between and we used to hang out a lot in years past. We were part of the same social group for a very long time. At no time, in 40+ years, has she ever mentioned going to church regularly, that's what's odd. Maybe she does think I might harangue her re her beliefs, though I doubt that very much as I believe in respecting others and she knows me very well.

Betrayal is the wrong word, maybe I just feel a bit sad that she may have withheld that part of her life from me. I never thought she had stopped believing as I knew that wasn't the case.

Ok it's not a big deal, and yes this IS about my feelings, strangely, as they are on my mind and I chose to express them. I think that's what people usually do on mumsnet.

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up twice in quick succession. Maybe something has happened recently to make her feel she needs to attend, when she perhaps hasn't in the past.

Betrayal is the wrong word, maybe I just feel a bit sad that she may have withheld that part of her life from me. I never thought she had stopped believing as I knew that wasn't the case.

Why does that make you sad though? People are allowed to have private lives, even from people they're really close to, like friends and family. Just because they choose not to share it doesn't mean that they're any less of a friend, or that they don't respect you or trust you. It just means that this thing is theirs, and they don't want to to share it, talk about it or analyse it.

I have a little ritual I do every day on the way to work. It's a tiny little thing that adds about 30 seconds to my day. Noone knows about it, not even DP. It's not like it's weird, or I'm ashamed about it. If DP knew I did it I imagine she'd find it cute. But it's my thing, alone, and I don't want to share it.

AnoKatoPisoPros · 08/10/2026 17:08

My interpretation is that she hasn't mentioned it simply because you don't share her interest. I have a group of close friends who are part of other friendship circles that relate to hobbies etc in which I have no interest. She may also not want to be perceived as evangelising.

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