Friend and religion

[believeornot]

I have a life long best friend. We went to school together and have always remained close. We live about 1.5 hours apart and meet up every few months. In our teens we talked about religion- I've been an atheist all my life and she believes in god. Back then we discussed this at length - all very amicable. As a teen she went to a church youth club.

Over time we stopped discussing this and the only references to church etc were when she married, had her children christened or her family members had funerals at a church.

Recently, many decades later, she mentioned she and her DH had started going to a new church. She emphasised they don't go every week, maybe to 'tone it down' for me in some way. Now, my view on religion hasn't changed so it's no surprise hers hasn't either. But not once in all these years has she ever mentioned having a church she regularly attends. This seems odd as we talk about so many aspects of our lives and we have never argued about our beliefs.

I just feel betrayed in some way, that she hasn't been honest with me all these years. I did say, oh you never mentioned this before but she didnt really explain, and as I felt hurt I dropped the subject.

I respect religious beliefs. I have close family members with whom I sometimes discuss and explore ideas around it. It's just that it feels uncomfortable to have been completely left out of this aspect of her life.

We'll still be friends but I feel off about it all. Anyone else who can relate?

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up twice in quick succession

OP, this comes across as really odd. It's none of your business, she can talk about it or not as much as she likes, for whatever reason. If she wants to 'explore her feelings' with you then she will, but I don't know why she would - presumably she has religious friends that are better placed to understand and discuss any nuances of her faith.

I'm an atheist, I have religious friends, it doesn't really come up in conversation because it's not something we can relate to each other on in a meaningful way. It's intrinsic, people don't want to be flogging a dead horse over something that the other can never fully understand.

It sounds like perhaps you find religion interesting in the abstract, which is great, so do I, but people don't want to feel friends are using their personal and precious beliefs as some sort of anthropological research project.

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up twice in quick succession. Maybe something has happened recently to make her feel she needs to attend, when she perhaps hasn't in the past

You are not her therapist you don't have to explore anything, what you might be thinking of doing is extremely intrusive, maybe this is why she doesn't bring it up with you, she is entiled to her feelings and privacy to attend a church old or new, without her friend quizzing her.

My experience as someone who goes to church is routinely having to ignore claims that people like me are paedophiles, dupes, misogynists, parasites, irrational or just a thick and that what we do ought either to be banned outright or at least banished from polite society and that anything we use, like church buildings, ought to be seized. I roll my eyes at this but I'm sure it does mean a lot of churchgoers get into the habit of just not mentioning their activities to do with church. I hope you haven't said anything like the above but even if you haven't it might explain why your friend doesn't mention church. Yet another reason might be a comment being misconstrued as evangelism.

A separate reason why I might not mention church stuff to a non-religious friend is because there's no shared experience or knowledge to talk about or make jokes about.

I don’t understand why this is a big deal to you, my best friend is muslim, we would fundamentally disagree on a lot of things, we just don’t talk about religion (not on purpose it just doesn’t come up). She has her faith and I have my lack of faith, we might discuss something as an explainer to each other but otherwise we just don’t talk about it.

The friendship isn’t based on religion so it just doesn’t come up. It would be awful to start interrogating a woman I very much love and admire and put her on the defensive about something like this. I know my friend prays regularly, observes fasts etc etc I don’t need to know the details about her religious practices because 1) I don’t care, it changes nothing b) if she had something to say about it she would tell me c) we would disagree in a way that both of us could find extremely offensive and the friendship is more important to me than winning an argument, I expect thats the view she takes too.

If you respect your friend just leave her alone on this. Plenty of religious people live their lives with religion as just another aspect of their daily lives. The tesco point from pp is exactly right. It seems like a big deal because you aren’t a believer and you seem to think she’s holding out on you in some way. You aren’t owed this and it would be incredibly transgressive.

I think you know you are being unreasonable. You knew she was Christian. Why on earth would you assume she didn’t go to church? It’s such a natural thing for a Christian to do. Do you expect to know what she had for breakfast each day? You live her an hour and a half away, so your daily lives don’t overlap. You meet up once every few months. There will be entité aspects of both your lives that never come up in conversation.

Did you ask her?

I don't think even life long friends know which church we attend. It doesn't seem important tbh.

You sound as though you actually can’t accept that she has different beliefs. That you have failed to get her to see your views are the correct ones.
I’m pretty anti theist but have a few religious friends. Mostly we don’t even go there in our conversation. Don’t blame her for not mentioning something that she knows is not relevant to you.

Maybe she assumed you knew. Do you tell her every time you get food shopping or pay your bills? As a Christian I go to church every week. It would never occur to me not to and when someone asks me what I did in the weekend I don’t mention it as I do it every week. It’s also a personal space for me to spend time with God. It is not up for public comment.

I have a very good friend who is an atheist and who is very respectful of my Christian faith but we don’t talk about religion. I don’t speak to her about going to church either.

Don’t bother ‘exploring’ anything. It is simply not your business! And if I was your friend I’d be all of two minutes telling you where to get off!!

I go to church, my dh or my dc dont but they knew I went. Im not overly religious but I find comfort. My siblings only found out recently that I go as we were organising my mums funeral and I mentioned hyms, poems and readings that weren't too religious (mum wasn't religious) i never discussed my beliefs as their mine, same way I wouldn't discuss my sex life. My siblings were shocked but weren't disappointed they didn't know.

I think you’re overreacting, why does she need to talk to you about this? She probably just knows it’s not your thing so thinks it won’t be interesting to you if she keeps talking about church and religion.
Many religious people don’t talk about it all the time because it’s only one thing about them not their whole life

Why would she talk about her religious life with you? This is not something the two of you have in common. You're an atheist and you only meet up every few months.

Feeling betrayed and hurt by her not talking about church and so on with you is really weird. Let sleeping dogs lie, don't explore it.

I'm quite surprised you would have any thought about this let alone be motivated to start a thread.

I've name changed for this post because I wouldn't want to be recognised.

I have a couple of friends who are Christian and two who are muslim. I honestly have no idea what the religious beliefs of my other friends are! Nor do I know which churches/mosques my friends attend.

And none of them know I'm a solitary witch.

Spiritual beliefs and practices are personal. Of course sometimes people mention other friends but I have no idea where they know them from. It seems like a really strange thing to want to explore with her.

I really wouldn't.

Don't suppose it really matters does it? If she knows you're not religious why would she discuss her church activities with you? I think your wasting far to much of your energy overthinking something that bares no relevance to your life.

For most Christians, attending church regularly is the norm. I'm surprised that this isn't something you would have just assumed about your friend.

It really isn't on her to have to mention church attendance to you in conversation. It's probably as simple as she just never thought to/the conversations weren't relevant to your chats.

If you decide to ask her why she never brought it up before and make a big deal of it, I think you're going to make it weird. Knowing she is a Christian, have you never thought to ask her any questions about church? If you've never asked knowing that her beliefs are important to her...I would think that reflects your lack of interest on the subject rather than her trying to hide something from you.

I think you should self reflect as to why you've never asked her anything rather than making this about her motivations.

I think the only feelings you should be exploring are your own. What a patronising take!

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up

Bloody hell, you sound like hard work.

I'm a weekly church goer and I don't discuss church with my sister who doesn't believe, people at work or in the school playground. I don't feel the need. I go to church, they don't, what is there to discuss?

Maybe I'll explore her feelings with her next time I see her over why she has suddenly brought this up twice in quick succession. Maybe something has happened recently to make her feel she needs to attend, when she perhaps hasn't in the past.

It looks like the mystery might be solved...she doesn't need to explain herself to you. It could be that knowing you as she does, she expected this kind of thing and couldn't be arsed with it so has never mentioned it.

You can't claim to be disappointed she didn't talk about it because it wouldn't have been a big deal while also making it into a big deal.

Agreed. This sounds very intense, OP.

What good can come of hearing about her religious journey. You have two options, either politely nod, possibly while biting your tongue, or get into a debate. There really isn’t anything to share or discuss.

I hate when my family talks about their church. There are so many disturbing things that pop up in the conversation that they think is completely casual. Yet I just sit there trying to be respectful and don’t say anything.

I go to church sometimes (and yes, I've tried different ones). It isn't something that I've discussed with anyone in particular... mainly because a lot of my friends and family are atheists, so (1) it wouldn't interest them, and (2) some of them have been known to make derisive comments. I like going to church. They do not see the point in it.

Your friend probably assumed that, being an atheist, her church-going wouldn't interest you, so she didn't think to mention it.

@believeornot You really are being pretty weird about this. Your friendship isn't based on religion at all. If it was I could understand. And anyway, your lives have moved on (like everyone's does) since you were younger. She's obviously strengthened her faith as she's got older which is very common. What "feelings" exactly do you need to explore with someone that goes to church regularly? She's always been a Christian so it's hardly a shock horror situation. Are you concerned that she's been sucked into some kind of cult? Because that's the only reason I can see for your angst.

This nails it.

I am Hindu Op, I would say I go to church regularly (my husband is English) we moved out of London to his home town (rural) when we had a baby. I was married in this church and now that we are back, it was something to do with a small baby. Not so much with a toddler who won’t sit still..I dont think I would have mentioned this to anyone in more than oh sure, we can do/meet after church.. etc