I can't stop correcting my Husband

[Joannebee9]

I need help with this. I am always trying to intervene with my Husbands parenting choices. We have a 3 year old.

I always make comments about what he is feeding him, if he gives him something I think he might choke on etc. Or too sugary.

I said something about a nature program they were watching, it looked too gruesome to me.

I noticed he hadn't put a jumper on him for nursery so I mentioned that.

These are just recent comments but there are more 😂

Anyway, it is ruining my relationship and I even annoy myself, I hate hearing myself be so nitpicky and annoying. My Husband often reacts angrily and shuts down.

How do I stop with all this? It's almost like I can't stop myself in the moment. Please give advice.

You just need to back off and stop. Simple as. You are not the main parent, he is equal to you and this is rude, obnoxious behaviour.

Just stop it.

Find something else to do to occupy your mind otherwise your marriage is going to become a toxic mix of resentment and anger and thats a miserable way for anyone to live especially if kids are involved.

I think you should be on the same page about food and snacks but don'tsay in front of your Dc if he gives him a biscuit or whatever , but the rest is up to him, imo. You have to let him get on with it he is an equal parent too, why is your way right ?

It depends how reasonable your opinion was in each situation, and whether you gave your husband a chance to step up or whether you anticipate failure with your comments.

Eg - husband does not put jumper on child for nursery and has opened the front door ready to go out. Child is in a t shirt and it is 4°C outside. In this scenario you would be neglectful not to mention the jumper, and your husband is a shit parent.
OR - your husband is in charge of taking child to nursery and there is still ten minutes before they leave. You say "Don't forget the jumper" even though there is plenty of time. Or it's warm enough that no jumper is not the end of the world anyway. In this scenario you are a pain in the arse.

Which is it?
Does he constantly fail to parent safely and you are having to pick up the pieces or watch your child suffer?
Or is he actually a good parent but you aren't giving him a chance to have some autonomy?

Maybe when DC is in bed have a nice chat about what’s important to you both and set some shared values/rules you both stick to. For example, allowing only child friendly nature programmed like the ones on cebeebies or cbbc, and agree how much sugar they’re allowed. Compormise may be necessary. It sounds like you haven’t agreed what kind of parents you’ll be together. Then aside from that you can’t control everything. Reminding someone to take a jacket isn’t picky in my option a lot of men don’t feel the cold so don’t feel like they need one but kids might need one. It sounds like he’s hypersensitive, it’s not just you.

I do get overly anxious about certain things and think my husband doesn't pay enough attention to cold, safety etc. I guess it's a debate of whether my child is actually suffering or it is more imagined suffering

and thanks for the tough words everyone, I know this isn't serving me or my relationship. I just need to dampen my worries somehow

Being worried about 2 year old choking isn’t unreasonable, some people don’t understand that under 5s have smaller windpipe. Google “2 year old choked on peanut” and the first image clearly shows the size of a 2 year olds windpipe is the same size as a peanut, hence why they are not recommended and why some things like grapes are advised to be cut lengthways. Honestly if he can’t handle the truth it sounds like he’s just an angry man and I wouldn’t feel guilty for keeping my child safe. If he leaves you for being a protective mother then good riddance.

I knew an old friend like this she would pick at everything her partner done with their child she became controlling.
Wrong coat wrong shoes, little treats jumping in puddles, rough play, watching things on tv, etc etc just everything he could not do it right.
So he gave up in the end and she wondered why he left and moved out.
The child moved in with her dad at 12 and that was that.
20 year on she admits she was wrong too late now neither have anything to do with her.

I really think as a pp said, you need to have an away from son discussion with your husband, about this, your husband sounds like he is being defensive so it will be an endless to and fro as your child grows up.

Also you mentioned choking do you think this is your anxiety?

Get a notebook and when you feel the urge go write it down. Never show him the notebook.

Okay well with your update my advice would be to sit down with your husband and agree how you are going to parent. Agree which foods you will both cut up. Agree that your child should be wearing the same number of layers as you (or an extra one if you run hot). Decide based on current NHS/government advice. Then you both know what you are doing. Agree either one of you can remind the other if they forget.
Then if he can't remember he can't really complain if you remind him, because he's agreed. So long as you give him a chance to do it before reminding him!

This is extreme but this is very much where this could go.
It does sound like you have a lot of time on your hands. You need an identity beyond being a mum. Back off and unclench. Best nip this in the bud now.

Only comment on things with an immediate danger. So the choking hazard I think is fine, as other parent might have overlooked. Everything else is a parenting choice that he’s entitled to make as much as you are.

As you’re about to say it, think “could my comment be about to save child from immediate death or injury”. If yes, say it. If no, let your husband parent how he wants.

This is a great idea 😅

I have the same tendencies OP and it has been a struggle. What’s helped is asking “what are the consequences?”

If it’s safety, then I say something (choking).

If it’s not, I let him learn. If he takes 3yo out without a jumper, they will complain they are cold, he will have to stop the activity and come home. He’ll know for next time to take the spare. Or I might say, “one sec, I can’t remember if we put a jumper in his bag” instead of “you haven’t put on his jumper.”

Sugar I let it go now. DH is more relaxed. DS is his son too. If he decides to give him a biscuit that’s his choice as long as teeth get brushed and he’s had proper meals.

You’re right to acknowledge what you’re doing and the impact it’s having so you’re already taking steps to improve it. At some point you loved and respected this man enough to want to have a child with him, he’s probably got lots of great qualities. He loves your child as much as you and you sometimes have different approaches to things.

When our first was a baby we accidentally started a thing where if I said “don’t let her fall off the sofa” he’d say “oh you don’t want me to drop her on the floor?” I’d realise I was being an idiot and we’d both smile. We both did it in good humour, there were countless time when one of said something a bit neurotic and the other would bat it back in a nice way. I’m sure it saved many disagreements.

Try to keep in mind that you both want the best for him and it’s okay to disagree in a calm reasonable way preferably away from your son. Otherwise you create a dynamic where you’re the boss and you undermine him and your son absorbs that and it’s not healthy or productive.

Nature programmes used to be wonderful for children to watch but I agree, they can be far too gruesome now. We all know nature is red in tooth and claw, but we don't need to see one creature tearing another to gory shreds, do we?

Perhaps frame it like this - sometimes the stuff dads do builds resilience and character. When the kids were younger I was protective and anxious about them but their dad was more adventurous, and he brought out new skills and confidence in them. Now they're older I've learnt to step back and let them do the dad stuff too, it's good to have a balance. And it does get easier the older they get.

It's really simple. If it's something that could reasonably be considered life-threatening eg choking hazard, use of car seat you speak up. If it's a difference of opinion (biscuit or no biscuit, chance a 3 year old might whine they're cold, natural history documentary) then leave him to it. He will work it out.

It might help if you went out more and left him in charge.

I also think you need to be able to work out if it's genuinely something that needs mentioning, ie no coat and it's raining, or a preference you might have over his.

If it's the latter, then tell him you've noticed yourself doing it, you want to be able to stop it, and it's based in anxiety and fear of whatever, rather than a direct criticism of him. Ask him if he would be willing to try being patient while you check yourself, ie He's already had an apple today, he needs to have the strawberries..... hang on, I"m doing it again, that's not a big deal, sorry!

Be honest, say you're not doing it on purpose, it's almost like a reflex, but you're aware of it and you're working on it. That is, unless he's being a total twit and doing things that are daft that warrant comment.

Let him learn OP. Let him take the call from nursery saying he’s forgotten the coat / packed lunch.

Did the Bluey episode where Dad took the kids to the pool and took no goggles, towels, sun cream etc. annoy anyone else? Dad should bloody well have had to learn his lesson with the kids whining and having to go home, but instead Mum turned up with the bag of stuff he’d forgotten!

These things you notice can go into 3 categories

1. massive safety concern - act immediately
2. Hmmm not what you’d like and might not be best for child- park the issue and if it still needs addressing speak about it after baby goes to bed. Or write it down and see if issue reoccurs.
3. let it go- not what you’d do, but still fine.

Be conscious in deciding how to categorise. This how you maintain control.

I understand what it's like to be anxious and co parent with someone who sees absolutely no danger anywhere. But it does sound like you need to let some things go sometimes as you're being a bit too much.

I was on a train recently and could hear a woman (probably mid 30s) hen peck her husband to a ridiculous degree. 'Don't put the suitcase there, don't sit that way, go that way, no not THAT way' etc. I wanted to reach out and give the man my sympathies. Don't be this person. If you make reasonable comments to ensure your child's wellbeing then fine but otherwise just keep it zipped and think how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were constantly being berated.

You definitely need to take a step back and let your DH parent your child. His way might actually be better?