I can't stop correcting my Husband

[Joannebee9]

I need help with this. I am always trying to intervene with my Husbands parenting choices. We have a 3 year old.

I always make comments about what he is feeding him, if he gives him something I think he might choke on etc. Or too sugary.

I said something about a nature program they were watching, it looked too gruesome to me.

I noticed he hadn't put a jumper on him for nursery so I mentioned that.

These are just recent comments but there are more 😂

Anyway, it is ruining my relationship and I even annoy myself, I hate hearing myself be so nitpicky and annoying. My Husband often reacts angrily and shuts down.

How do I stop with all this? It's almost like I can't stop myself in the moment. Please give advice.

Im surprised by some of the comments on here, especially those saying “just stop” are not helpful.

You both became parents at the same time. You both graduated the same day. However, I think most couples falls into employee/manager dynamic when their first child is born. As mothers, we spend hours and days researching how to raise our babies, what to feed them and how often, what tog they should sleep in, the effects of sugar, the impact of too much screen time, age appropriate milestones etc and the list goes on. Most dads don’t tend to do this research, and they fall into support mode, where the mother becomes the expert in her children and the home. It’s perfectly within your DH’s capabilities to also have researched this. If it’s cold, he should either be getting the jumper or initiating the conversation with you about whether ones needed. He should already know what choking hazards are, you shouldn’t have to remind him, he should have researched that. The problem is that only one person can see the consequences and the other one can’t, so the arguments are inevitable.

I agree anxiety plays a role here too. A lot of the time when we say someone is “nagging” it’s often because that person carries the invisible burden of project managing the home - but saying the OP is nagging places the blame solely on her, when imo her DH also has an equal part to play in battling that dynamic by sharing that mental load to ease her anxiety.

Talk to your DH, communication is key, explain your anxiety and why you do what you do, and what he can do to help ease that for you (helping with mental load). You’re a team. You both want what’s best, and it’s hard to remember that in the moment so helping your DH understand why you do it will be the first step to changing both of your behaviours.

A practical suggestion to train yourself out of it..
.wear an elsstic band around your wrist snd snap it every time you do this, after a short time you dhould be able to snap it just at ths thought of saying the negative thing, and stop yourself from acually saying it out loud. Maybe at this point you could alsp do something to break ths urge to say it.... walk out of the room, count to ten, etc
Good luck!

I can be nitpicky with DH and I try not to be. When you're used to being the one solely responsible and in charge it's hard not to dictate to someone doing it differently. If I don't catch myself before saying it I'll follow it up up with "nah I trust you, you're a good dad" because I do and he is. But he never gets angry at me

Can I just ask - is it just related to your child or does it spill more generally into your wider relationship?

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about how you hate the nitpicking and want to stop, but it's hard because you don't know why you are doing it. Then you need to agree on what he should do when you start. Something like. 1) he says "You're doing it again." If you don't stop, he 2) leaves the room. Or shows you a yellow card. Or something.

To be fair to you there is probably a lot of what used to be called maternal instinct driving you. We are animals, after all. But we're intelligent animals. I am sure the two of you can fix this If you are willing and he's board.

I'm going against the grain a bit here OP and saying you are not being particularly unreasonable. There are probably things you can do to make life a bit smoother and feel less guilty about criticising your husband all the time. But it makes sense why you are behaving as you are.

I'm imagining that you are often the default parent so correct me if that is wrong, but based on what you're saying I'm assuming that you probably have your son more often than your husband does and carry more of the mental load most of the time.

So when your DH is parenting, you are anticipating that maybe he won't think about a jumper, or that he might not be aware of exactly where your son is at developmentally with chewing/ choking, or emotionally with watching something gruesome, maybe because you have dealt with the fallout of all of the above things going wrong more often than your husband has.

You're not anxious - you are anticipating - and you are simply carrying more mental load than your husband. It's a privilege that he doesn't carry this as much as you do.

I recommend checking out Alex Trippier on Instagram and try not to feel bad about this. It's not a case of 'you need to relax' - it's more complicated than that.

I grew up with a mother who was anxious and controlling. She corrects everyone, and it is a permanent wedge in our relationship. As a child it left me feeling stupid and incapable - like I couldn’t be trusted to make my own decisions. As an adult it’s infuriating, but at least now I can tell her to back off. My sister has become the same and wow she nitpicks her husband. She at least has been diagnosed with GAD and takes medication for it.

i read a lesson in Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff that really resonated. It was about how in these situations you can choose to be kind or you can choose to be right. You can’t do both. My mother would never choose to be kind, or be kind to her relationship with the person she is correcting. Because it chips away at it - at the relationship and the confidence of the person being corrected, because every time you do it you’re saying ‘I don’t trust you to handle this’. The only time when stepping in is justified is when your child is in genuine danger.

I say this as someone who does not have enough going on in my life.....Do you have enough going on in your life?

If your OH was doing a good job, you wouldn’t have to intervene.

BS.

He's doing a fine job, just has a different approach.

With the exception of the choking hazard, a “good job” is subjective in all the other examples OP gave.

Sugar - I bet most people on this thread think that they gave their child an appropriate amount of sugar at age 3, but I also bet that what we all consider to be a reasonable amount for a young child is different.
TV - huge grey area in the middle. Everyone would agree that hey duggee is fine but that Saw is not. But a nature show? Again, I imagine there’d be a range of opinions on this thread. I don’t think my opinion on it is automatically right and someone who disagrees is therefore not doing a good job as a parent.

If it is anxiety that is driving you to micromanage and be over directive, then it is worth speaking to your HV as there will be parenting programmes and counselling groups she may be able to point you to. when my kids were young there was a course/book called the Parent Puzzle in my area which was about getting parents on the same page and using a united approach that everyone raved about.

But separate to this, I would also speak to the GP? I short course of counselling, possibly exploring medication, may help you manage your anxiety feelings and, therefore, moderate your behaviour? I find that if i am tired or experiencing low mood (eg isolated at home with the DC all day for long periods) it can make anxiety harder to manage, so counselling may help you identify whether there are practical things in your life that need changing or, perhaps, whether you are mimicking a marital or parenting styles that you observed in your own parents but aren’t helpful to you?

The only time when stepping in is justified is when your child is in genuine danger.

If my husband forgot to pack a jumper for my child and I noticed, I would mention it and pop one in the bag.

Being cold isn't dangerous, but why would you leave your child to be cold if you knew about it?

There's a reasonable area between being overly controlling and just mentioning something that he should have remembered.

Your mother's GAD sounds extreme and really difficult, but I don't think that's what's going on with OP.

You guys really need relationship counselling. You are obviously over-anxious about your child and instead of seeing that as the sign of a caring mother, your partner takes it as a personal criticism. He needs to grow up and stop being so self-obsessed. This is all about what is best for the child … sometimes he will be getting it wrong and he needs to be able to take a bit of guidance, and vice versa. At the very least he needs to appreciate that your aim is safeguarding your child’s wellbeing, not deliberately making him feel bad.

Let’s be honest some dads are rubbish and they can often expect their half-arsed attempts at parenting to be met with praise and gratitude, moaning about being under appreciated if they don’t get that gratitude. Is he one of those, because not chopping food or not dressing a kid properly for the weather, seems like basic stuff that should be called out? The vibe of some comments on here is to just let dad’s be a bit hopeless because no harm will come of it.

I feel like you are being gaslit here. Why should a dad’s less attentive parenting style be accepted? Because he’s a dad and women should simply be grateful for any parenting dad’s offer? Is society really still at that stage of putting the soothing of a man’s ego above the best interests of a child, for fear of the man’s reaction?

Your partner needs to grow-up and be able to ‘talk parenting’ with you without hearing your natural maternal concern as a personal attack. You probably are being overly anxious on occasion, but his job is to either go with it or to reassure you that he has everything under control… by having everything under control. Having a sulk doesn’t really give the impression of a grown-up who can be relied upon.

As I said, both of you have some work to do here, not just you. Relationship counselling can help discuss how to communicate and what parenting expectations should be.

Yep like loading a toddler with sugar and sending them out without appropriate clothing. Definitely sounds better.

It isn't about who's way is better. It isn't actually about mum or dad and different parenting styles at all. It is about what is in the best interest of the child. I will caveat that with there is a better way to communicate with dad and that is what the OP needs to work on.

Speak to your husband - you are anxious and you know you are doing it. Which is a step in the right direction. Tell him your fears and apologise for critisizing all the time. Ask him to be tollerant with you and explain why you feel the way you do. Have fears of choking, younger children feel the cold more etc. Hopefully he will take more notice if he understands how much it bothers you and will try to remember coats, cutting up food etc. You are a team and you both want a happy healthy child just need to work out the best way for you both to achieve it.

Depends how life and death the outcome is. Choking hazard - worth mentioning. Better to be a nag than be fishing a grape out of your child's gullet. But things which have less fatal consequences - try and repress the urge. As it sounds like you're a very anxious person, and they're not. The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle, so if you can balance each other out on most things, that would be healthier for your relationship.

From the examples you gave you are just being a mum. Looking out for what they are wearing and checking it fits/is weather dependant is good parenting. Making sure they aren't filling up on sweets that will rot their teeth over dinner which will help them and their brains grow, is good parenting.

How has he not got these basics in his head? How old is he? I am guessing he still eats junk and goes to the shop in flip-flops in the snow?

This isn't just you being anxious, they are your kids and you will always worry about them. It would be weird if you were happy for him to let them wander to school in winter in a vest top or eat a whole mix bag of sweets in front of the telly every evening.

It actually sounds as if your partner is telling you to stop worrying because he doesn't want to step up and be a good parent.

It's not flipping "mental load" and if it is it's her choosing to pile it on. Step back- let him decide about wearing coats, watching a David Attenborough and and eating few biscuits. Thats not "load", it's being controlling.

If the kids turn up to any formal setting without appropriate clothes regularly it will be noted. If social services ask why she didn't try to intervene and keep her kid warm, is she really going to say "Oh but we practice free parenting where he does whatever he likes and I act like an actual parent and don't intervene when he makes bad choices". He isn't a child, he should be able to handle being told a kid needs a coat.

Yes- that's exactly the sort of thing social services have time for - kids without jumpers.

Being left in dirty or completely inappropriate garments is a common indicator of neglect, yes.

It is. But that's not what OP is saying has happened. She hasn't suggested filthy, ripped or ill fitting clothes, or a t shirt and flip flops when it's -6 and snowing out. He just didn't take a jumper. Depending where they live, it's been so mild this autumn it's hardly going to set alarm bells ringing.

You are wilfully misinterpreting the point - if she feels he isn't stepping up and doing a good parenting job, she has the right as the other parent to suggest he does something that is better for the child.

Everything she has been anxious about has implications for the kids that are negative. He needs to parent with her rather than be stubborn and not step up.

I'm really not. The examples she has mentioned are largely subjective. Her DH is a parent just as much as her, and should be allowed to get on with it without her picking at him just because she would do things differently. Her way isn't automatically the right way. And I suspect she wouldn't love it if he were constantly questioning her choices and undermining her.